In and Out

Of the 3 guys I had previously posted about, I wound up being in a long term relationship with the 3rd, who is in the army for the next few years. He and I were exclusive for almost a year while I picked up my life and moved out to the west coast. Since my boyfriend was stationed in upstate New York I rarely saw him. We did talk constantly, and emotionally I was very much engaged with him. Once I had enough time to really spend face to face with him, however, it became very clear to me that we are not at all compatible in a day to day situation. Unfortunately for us we had already begun to talk about marriage, and when I ended things this past weekend, I am sure it came as quite a shock to my boyfriend. The problem with my (now) ex is, while he is really an intelligent guy, he has not achieved a high level of social etiquette. When he was in high school he was addicted to drugs, and he stayed that way until his mid 20s. Even though he has been clean for a few years, and sober for one, no one really taught him to eat properly, pick up after himself, and be conscious of others. Living with someone like that means constantly nagging a man who should know better, and living in a constant state of chaos. My plans for the future do not include that type of chaotic existence. Ironically as soon as I was starting to realize my boyfriend's faults another blast from the past came at me. Yet another ex boyfriend from when I was younger resurfaced, and was interested in reconnecting with me romantically. It is seriously strange to me that I experience this so often. This particular guy happened to date me for about 6 months starting the summer prior to my freshman year of college. He was in the navy, and when he was sent out to Florida to serve we weren't able to keep the relationship going. After a while he got married, had a little girl, and was injured which got him released from duty. Every few years, like clockwork, he would track me down via some sort of electronic pathway, to see how I was doing. I was never able to figure out why he insisted on contacting me when he clearly had another life in full effect. Now that he is divorced, with full custody of his 4 year old daughter, and about to finish his bachelor's degree, he finally owned up to needing to know where I am because he still has feelings for me. Considering that the internet has come a long way since 2000, it is far easier for us to have contact. He admitted that he regrets letting me go, and that his intentions are to marry me. After so many years of having men come in and out of my life like a revolving door it's hard for me to understand why I am flooded with men from my past who have declared the longest-term intentions possible. Is this a good thing? Did I do something to bring this about? Do others have this type of situation arise constantly? I really don't know, but I have to find out what works best for me. I certainly know at this point that I don't want a man with baggage, or without manners. I'm just going to have to buckle my seat belt, and hope for the best ending to this adventure.

The N Factor

There are currently 3 men that want to marry me. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say, but it's true. The first is an ex boyfriend (who I dated during the hiatus in which I rarely posted...sorry followers!) who is totally and completely NOT what I am looking for. Dating him was a side effect of being in between jobs. Having no direction in my life was what allowed him the opportunity to even go out with me. Now that I am doing well in my career I have no attraction to him whatsoever. The second guy is my ex from college who I was sure I would marry when I was living with him. We broke up because he is Catholic (non-practicing), and couldn't stand the idea that I would have Jewish children. Now that he has a young daughter, and is getting divorced from his first wife he realizes that he was an idiot. The major problem with him is that he now comes with a ton of baggage, and has yet to finalize his divorce. The third guy is a friend from high school who I have recently become quite entangled with emotionally, and who is in the army for the next few years. None of the 3 guys are currently available to me in actuality, and though I don't doubt their intentions, I don't know what's in store. Currently I feel that I need to keep looking because even if something is to work out, it won't be for a while. I miss being in a relationship. I would like to say I have a boyfriend. I don't know, however, how feasible that will be.

The Unanswered Question

I always wonder why it is that guys act the way they do. Most of the time there is some insight that I have from guy friends about a particular guy's actions, but why they bail almost always alludes me. My coping mechanism is to cease to care at all, which will eventually make me a jaded b*tch. I am hoping to avoid this ending. Only twice have I ever attempted to either get a last word in, or ask why from the guy who bailed. When I did either of those things I usually got some answers, and the actions had no effect on whether or not the same guy who stopped contacting me would attempt to contact me a few months later. I used to think that my silence somehow encouraged the reconnection situation, but I now think the two are unrelated. Even my mother noticed this perpetual loop I seem to be in with certain guys. It's nice to be a memorable person, but it's hard when the connection with someone is there, then lost, then back again constantly. I'm on some sort of love merry-go-round, and it's not a fun ride! I'm ready to get out of this circus. Moving across the country will certainly limit the access a lot of the Chicago guys have to me, and thus will curb a certain amount of the problem. Since I am leaving I decided to attempt to get an answer from Adam about why he decided to cease contacting me. I told him that I would simply like some feedback from him, and that I did respect his decision, and promised not to turn this into a discussion nor reply to his answer. I would seriously like some insight from the horse's mouth. As of yet I have not received any messages, but I do hope that he gives me something. The last guy I asked told me that he really prefers stick figures (i.e. I was too curvy to date him) which didn't really help me at all. Most guys who date me already know that I am a curvy girl, and are usually really into that. Either this last guy was just lying, or his situation was atypical. I'm sure there are personality traits that are being perceived as not worthy of being a girlfriend type, and those are what I need to alter in order to change my luck with men. Ironically enough I do have the 2 guys in the background that are both looking to marry me. It's quite strange to be split into the categories of not-relationship-material, and then future-wife at the same time. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

History Repeats Itself

Of course I should have known that Adam would bail. Every time I find a guy who I would consider settling into a long term relationship with he jumps ship within the first few weeks. Conversely I will have guys I am not so interested in last for months at a time until I communicate to them that I will not pursue a committed relationship. If the guys I like would, at least, communicate that they don't want a relationship I would be much happier. In the case of Adam, as with almost all of the others, he just simply stopped calling. I was text messaging him on Friday of last week about weekend plans, and his last text to me said that he would get back to me shortly. More than a week has passed. Either Adam has a severely warped sense of time, or he got scared. For whatever reason it's over. Ironically, Adam also falls into the category of guys that spend 3-6 months away from me, and eventually come crawling back into my life. Since I will have moved to LA in the beginning of June Adam will be out of luck. I am so ready to move to a new city it's crazy! I will be very happy in a nice warm climate, and knee-deep in a completely new dating pool.

Push and Pull

I have been sketching. I have been drawing long skirts and dresses. It seems that I am going through a mental exercise to see if I could find ways to dress modestly if I had to, according to the laws in Judaism. Why would I be putting so much effort into something this big with a guy I barely have started seeing? It's crazy. I don't think that it really has a lot to do with Adam. Granted if Adam and I would get serious with one another many things in my life would have to change. I think, though, that this has more to do with integrating my childhood in religious schools, and the artistic, extroverted self that I am today. I feel like the community failed me as a child. I spent most of the time in the Jewish community feeling as though I was not accepted, and I was unworthy of being recognized. It wasn't until I was in public high schools that I felt I could really express myself. My personality developed in the massive mix of ethnicity, and span of economic background that I found myself in when I finally left the religious school system. Here I am at 27 years old finally trying to find a way to combine both of these elements. Perhaps, in a way, it allows me the opportunity to stop opposing the option that I would be with a guy who is more religious than I. It was never something I had considered before. I won't be committing to changing myself tomorrow, but I am not ruling it out either.

Magic Formula

Men are bad at picking up signals. They resort to time lines and guidelines as a way to navigate the treacherous curve on the road to committed relationships. Unfortunately this results in a lot of cryptic messages and communications in the beginning of any new dating situation. Talking to my guy friends I realize how completely different men think than women. I try to remember this when I am first starting out with a guy, but even though I can manipulate the behaviors I exhibit I cannot control the emotions that naturally accompany the beginning. The butterflies in the stomach, the rush of the new possibilities, and the panic that comes with the uncertainty of intentions on the part of the guy. I have learned over the years how to control my behaviors in order to seem cool and collected, but the reality is that the accompanied emotions are still there. I am a total girl in all of the ways I do not appear at the surface. Ironically I think that I had the same amount of response from guys I was dating regardless of if I played it cool or completely went with my emotions. On some levels it's great to be able to control my outward appearance. On other levels I really am lying to myself, and pushing back emotions that would otherwise come out. I never lost a guy who would have stayed because I was emotional, and I don't think the guys that really want to be with me would leave if I stop playing it cool. I guess I'm just a work in progress.

All In

I spent the last week in limbo. Adam did a great job of returning my texts, but didn't initiate contact on his own. Since I am well aware of the differences between us I was concerned that he would be as well. I stopped texting him for 2 days, and he didn't make any effort to see what I was up to. I feared for the worst. Finally I sent him one last text message on Friday, and I swore to myself that if he didn't respond I would cease to contact him completely. Thankfully Adam replied. He wanted to call me on Saturday evening. I told him I would be available after 7:30pm, and he sent me a text at 8pm to say that he would call me in a while. The half-hearted contact only served to make me feel the anxiety more intensely. I finally called Adam myself after an hour passed. The conversation was completely normal, but short. I kept waiting for him to get into telling me that we can no longer see each other. That moment never came. He did, however, have to go babysit for his niece so we only spoke for a few minutes. Once he was at his sister's house he sent me a few texts, but never responded to the last one I sent about making plans for the following day. One of my guy friends called me to go out with him that same night, and after a few drinks I checked my phone to see if Adam had replied to my message. He never had. I sent him a few texts demanding to know what his intentions were, and he only responded with "awkward." I figured it was over. I put him on the spot, and he still didn't give me an answer. The next morning I woke up to find a few texts from him. He said that he planned to see me later that day, yet never gave me a time. For a few hours I heard nothing from Adam. I carried on with my day until about 4pm when he finally wanted to know when I would be available. Once he was at my place things seemed fine. He explained to me about the things he is studying, and showed me his notes. I finally realized that this guy is really intelligent, and will get completely absorbed into whatever he is doing. What would have been the brush off from another guy is just a complete zone out on his part. He wasn't ignoring me. He ignores anything that is not what he is reading. Once I was with him he was intently focused on me. It was great. I did tell him that I worry about how emotionally available he may (not) be after his last relationship dissolved the way it did. I think that things are far more open between us now, and I am getting to know the particulars about this person. In the process I seem to be learning a lot about myself.