Low Sexpectations

I am usually a very verbal person, especially in bed. Not to say that I am a big talker in the sack, but I consistently give some sort of feedback to my partner, and I have no qualms about making sure I ask for what I need. With Mike, for some reason, I am unable to open up to him about giving me what I need in bed. It's strange, really, and probably not in a good way. Tonight I did make sure he slowed down, but when I asked for some attention (as in, please recognize that I need you to acknowledge that I have a clitoris) he obliged for about 2 minutes. Even 2 minutes would have been nice, I think he was actually down there for about 50 seconds total. Wtf? He doesn't seem like he is clueless, but for some reason he just doesn't stay until the job is done. It's really quite frustrating. I'm also unaware of why I am so drawn to a guy who barely squeezes me into his (very busy) schedule, and then doesn't even really consider my needs in bed either. I am not a bad boy chaser, so why do I like a guy who is falling short of expectations?

Picking

I usually boycott new year's resolutions, but I have one this year: I need to stop picking at my face! It is the world's most ridiculous habit, and completely counterproductive. I have very fair skin and very good eyesight. The combination is volatile when looking at my pores in the mirror (step 1: stop obsessing over my pores in the mirror). I feel like I need to clean them. BAD IDEA! Most of the time the result is redness and swelling, which is the farthest thing from "clean" I can think of. Thank G-d I am really good at applying makeup. I used to bite my nails for about 10 years, but managed to stop by the time I was 13 years old. I don't even think about doing it now (12 years later). Hopefully I can do the same with this bad habit. I think sometimes I use it as a way to de-stress if there is something bothering me. After my fight with Sam I went crazy on my forehead. I should find something else to do instead (perhaps blogging will cure me of my habit). Any suggestions?

The Year in Review

As I look back on the last year I think it's safe to say I have been through quite a lot. There have been new friendships made and others dissolved, new living and working arrangements, and quite a few hurdles that have been overcome. Generally speaking, it has been a busy year. I feel like 2007 will be remembered as the year I learned the most from, but would never go back and repeat. The best thing that came out of it, though, is that I have a new perspective. I have a new ability to let go of things that I cannot control. I have stopped obsessing (as much) about every aspect of my life (except for boys), and have allowed what happens to me to develop more naturally. Professionally, I can say that I learned a lot about what not to do in business, but have also developed valuable skill sets that help me run my business better. I would love to eventually be able to run my business full time, but I understand that I still have a lot to learn before that happens. I can only hope that 2008 is a year that has (good) surprises in store for me.

TextSexAnonymous

I don't know how I got here, and it's not that I have a habit of starting relationships with people I have never met, especially sexual ones, but here I am with a TextSexBuddy. Weird. It started innocently enough when I was chatting with Brandon (at least I know his name) on messenger. He and I met through a dating website during a 3 week long period in which I was determined to find a boyfriend. For some reason we never met. We had scheduled a date together, but he fell ill that day, and we just never rescheduled. It didn't stop us from chatting, though. We would talk about all sorts of things and then one day it turned a little naughty. It was a bit thrilling at first, talking dirty to someone online while working, but eventually that became the only thing we did. We had chat sex online, then we would have text sex, then phone sex, until we both went to bed. It has been going on for over a month now! That is ridiculous! He even sent me a picture message of his "little man" for good measure. Especially considering that we now have a totally sexual relationship and have never met face to face, I'm not sure I know how to handle this. If I meet him (especially with the other two in the picture) I don't know what would happen. I can't just downgrade him to friends because we have gone entirely too far into the gray zone. I may just have to end it. Chemistry is such a strange thing that I can't even be sure I would be attracted to him in person. Heck, he may not be attracted to me! What on earth did I get myself into...

Give Us This Day, Our Daily Grind

I was on my own schedule for most of 2007. I worked on my own time, I changed gears when I felt like it, and I didn't have to answer to anyone else. Recently, I decided to put my own business on the back-burner and take a 9 to 5 job. I figured that it would help me gain perspective and a much needed regular paycheck. I have to say, it's not what I expected. Having worked a bunch of retail gigs after college, I wanted to stay away from that type of sporadic schedule. This job, however, is starting to become more draining than anything else I have ever done. I thought I was coming on as a customer service representative/designer's assistant/fit model/whatever comes up girl. I actually was hired as inside sales (ooh no!), or that is what most of my time is consumed by at the office. I have GOT to get out of there. I love the owner of the company, but he is away until the middle of next month. I may be able to talk to him and get myself out of the customer service area, but I don't think I can survive the 3 weeks until he comes back. Every hour there has become increasingly more excruciating. Also, I think retail may not be such a bad idea. I could possibly make more money than I am now, and I would have some weekdays off to get things done for my own business (even though I do like having my weekends). Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate my situation...

Update: My manager called me in to her office today to discuss the possibility of redesigning my position. Instead of being the internal sales rep. for a territory, I can work in general customer service and then go help around in all the other capacities as necessary. I was so excited! More than anything I crave variety. I feel like this will be a much more beneficial position for both myself and the company.

He Listened!

Mike,
I was terribly disappointed after you bailed on Monday, and then barely contacted me all week. Thank you for talking to me on Thursday night, when I finally got up the nerve to call you and put my thoughts out there for you. I told you I liked you, but that I don't understand why we don't talk regularly. When you said you think about me often, but don't call, you started to scare me. I didn't believe anything would change. I was pretty much at the point where I would have written you off completely. The last four days have been fantastic, though. You have made an effort to contact me on a daily basis, even if you don't have time to call. I will see you tonight, and tomorrow. You found some time (during daylight) to spend with me! It is obvious you actually listened, and I am so very excited about that. (Now, later tonight we will need to talk about listening to me in bed...)
Thank you,
Jane

Update: Mike came over after having been out, about an hour after I got home myself. I had already fallen asleep, so I wasn't really into having sex with him when he came over. He decided to change that, when without provocation he FINALLY went south of the border (yay!). That alone got me in the mood, and we had fantastic sex (not to mention I returned the favor later on, just to reward the gesture). The next day we spent together: went out to eat, watched a movie. Hopefully this is the beginning of a new trend where I have more to appreciate about Mike, and less to complain about...in 2008

Jerry's List: My Faves

Jerry is my long distance flirtation. He is one of my favorite people on the planet. He is educated, well dressed, and very sociable. I went on one actual date with him before him moved away (more on that at a later date). We talk on the phone endlessly, and if he was local, he would be my boyfriend. But, alas, he lives on an island so I will have to get myself into trouble locally until he comes back to this continent (two years to go). I recently found his list of rules on his blog, so I figure I will share my favorites:

6. If she gives you her number, call her once and leave a message. Only ONCE. IF SHE LIKES YOU, SHE'LL RETURN YOUR CALL. IT'S NOT THAT COMPLICATED

28. If you want to please a woman in bed JUST ASK HER WHAT SHE LIKES OR DISLIKES, don't assume you know, chances are you don't know. communication is key.

54. Yes, your girl saw her WAY before you did, so just glance and keep it moving. Under no circumstances do you STARE and/or turn your head to look
I think we all know at least one guy who didn't get this memo...

59. Whenever you think you have done enough foreplay add 15 minutes
This rule alone is the reason i would date him...

82. There is no shame in apologizing

102. Unless you are rapper or an athlete never buy a suit with 4 or more buttons or in colors that can be found in Skittles

106. You probably will never know the number of men she has been with and it's probably better that way
it IS better that way. Don't ask. Don't tell. If you are skilled in bed it's because you are comfortable with yourself and you are good at listening to body language. Nothing else

107. Loud noises don't necessarily mean that she is enjoying it
How many times have I tried to be vocal in order to get the guy to just frigging finish already...

111. Chances are she hates your Playstation

Stupid, Stupid, Jane

I am un-involved with a married man. I realize I am an idiot. What good could ever come of this? None. The clincher: He was my teacher in High School! Yikes. I was never the kind of girl to be into her teachers. I don't crave authority or father figures in general. I don't think cops are sexy. I promise. Though here I am with this guy, being a total nutcase. Even entertaining the thought is ridiculous. I met him for a drink. The conversation was perfectly pleasant. We were flirty, but I was conscious to not cross the line. He said he was comfortable with me. He wanted to go back to my place. I let him (I know, I realize I am an idiot). Then, he freaked out. He didn't want to go too far with me. I expected this. It was written all over his forehead. I told him he can only see me in public. He can flirt with me, but that is all. He needs to keep a safe distance from anything out of bounds. I hope this is the last time I run into that situation. Thankfully, I didn't get into the deep end of that pool.

Retail Therapy (ch. 2)

Somehow shopping for someone else is much more fun. My favorite is when I get paid for it (I have two fantastic clients I work for as their personal stylist), but my friends all take advantage of this as a free service by taking me out to lunch and then going shopping afterwards. Today I finally got my hands on the last of my guy friends who did not get the memo about needing to wear clothing that he can't share with his 50 year old father (he's 24). Jerry is impossibly tall, very thin, and likes to buy things in size extra large so the sleeves are long enough (which really means that the sleeves are too short, but he uses the slack from the superwide shoulders to make up for it). No young male should be a regular at the Men's Warehouse (seriously!). I took him to H&M. I gave him a few pointers and we found quite a lot of medium sized clothing that was still long enough in the limbs to fit him properly. I even got him to take off the Classic cut (read: practically geriatric) Levi's jeans and try on a pair of straight leg, low rise, dark wash denim. He looked hot. He bought the shirt. He is waiting on the denim...(I'm crossing my fingers he gets them for 2008).

Text Fighting

Has anyone out there every solved a relationship problem through a text conversation? I definitely have not. Sometimes it's an ice-breaker when I don't feel like picking up the call or visa versa, but I have never made any real headway in an argument by text. Sam thought it would help somewhere around 1:30am. Ha! Not the brightest idea. My last response went like this:
You don't have time 4 me. Last on the list. Don't wanna b there. It hurts.
(I would say that pretty much sums it up)
G-d, if you're listening, please let the person I am with care enough about me to make time for me. I was watching the episode of Sex and the City where Samantha shaves her head, and her boyfriend takes the buzzer from her and starts shaving his head too. I cried so hard. All I want is to feel like someone I am with is there for me that much.

Not Connecting The Dots

...from the mouth of the lyricist himself: Why are you so upset? Yes, It's been two weeks since I really talked to you for any length of time. I saw you last Sunday night for a while (when I realized the person I cancelled on you to meet with didn't show up after all). I know I'm leaving town on Monday, but I said I would find time to see you on Sunday night (even though you will be at work early Monday morning...).

He can't see me tonight because he has to go to a concert. It's a local hip hop show. He MET ME at a local hip hop show. This is where the dots failed to connect. I could have very easily been included in this activity and I would feel considerably less sidelined as a result, but yet again, the follow-through gives way and I am left with not enough contact with the guy to feel like he cares. Ironically, I explained this phenomenon to him after we first started talking, (that guys fail to keep in touch with me after the "new girl" wears off) and his response was "how could anyone do that to YOU?" Ha! Now he joins the ranks as the newest member of the group. Congratulations, Sam. Maybe you will get a membership card or something. I don't really feel like waiting around to see what happens.

Oh, and just to put icing on this cake: Mike talked with me for a short while last night (finally), and explained that he does think about me a lot. He just doesn't call....Thanks! That was precious!

Retail Therapy

Hundreds of receptors in my brain are addicted to shopping. I think it is a bit like nicotine. When I am bored or depressed my thoughts turn to shopping, much like a smoker will suddenly start craving a cigarette under the same circumstances. Even going to Target gives me a boost. It's sad, really, how what seems like a mundane excursion for most people (and for nearly ALL males) is capable of making me giddy. I was upset this year because I don't have the opportunity to buy a lot of holiday presents. My roommate/BFF is not exchanging gifts with me until after new years so we can shop the after Christmas sales. My other roommate would just rather not bother at all (he is male), and none of the guys in my life are important enough to be worthy of gifts (plus, I highly doubt either of them would get me something). For the people I did get gifts for, most were males or my mother (who is so practical that getting her anything she doesn't expressly ask for is completely out of the question). The thrill of finding the most perfect thing to get was completely gone. The only thing I am slightly proud of is a really fantastic 8 mega pixel camera with a whole lot of great features including image stabilization which I got at best buy online for a whopping $137! My brother really needed a new camera, and I wanted to get him something he could really use, especially since he will be in Europe for the next 4 months. I found it online and gave myself a little pat on the back, until I noticed it was back ordered. I warned my brother that his gift may be late, and he gave me the "it's really the thought that counts, so don't worry about it" speech. He obviously thought that whatever he was getting was not going to be very exciting. I told him what he was about to receive, provided that it get here before he leaves for Europe (friggin' back orders!) and he came back with "oh, cool!" (that's what I like to hear).

Follow Through

If I had to make a broad statement about American men I would have to say that they don't call enough. Now, I don't expect to hear from a guy every day, but at least 2-3 times a week is standard operating procedure for dating. I also expect the guy to be the one to call more often than the girl. The thing is, we really need a way to gauge how much a guy is thinking of us. If he is calling frequently enough, we know we come across his mind on a regular basis. Conversely, not calling makes us wonder if he even cares. The most important of instances is just after the first date. It is the most crucial point in which a guy makes an indelible impression of how interesting he is in a girl. A few weeks ago I got a text message from Mike mid afternoon. I had not heard from him in about 3 days, and the most I got out of him was "I am so busy" and a "lots of stuff going on right now." Now I don't know if the dictionary defines blowing someone off as sending two texts about being busy rather than calling, but in my opinion that is the very definition of one. So naturally I decided to write him off (if you read the previous post, clearly, that didn't last long). After about a week I finally (against my better judgement) sent him a message via email. I wrote him a short message about how I am sure he is busy, and probably also seeing other people, so clearly things were not going to get serious with us, but we could still be friends. Within minutes of him reading this I was replied to via text and email. He still wanted to see me. He didn't understand why I thought he was blowing me off. Hello?! Not hearing the voice of someone who you are dating in over a week doesn't really say "I am trying to become and integral part of your life" to me. Right? Am I crazy? Anyhow, so after all of this I decide to go in for round two. I was supposed to see Mike on Friday night (now, if you didn't read the last post, he and I have vastly different schedules, so making time to meet is hard), but he didn't wind up being available until nearly 2am, so we postponed until Monday. Saturday night rolls around and somewhere around 4am he texts me to see if he can come over. Now, it was a crazy night and there was a snowstorm, so the humanitarian in me allowed what definitely was "shaping-up-to-be-a-booty-call" pass. If he died in the snow, I would feel badly (or at least that is what I told myself). He arrived at my place around 5am. Within minutes we were having sex (yet again, without him making enough of an effort to pay attention to my needs....he and I REALLY have to talk about that), and then we fell asleep. He left in the morning after promising to see me Monday like we had originally planned...but alas, he wound up "sick" and home on Monday instead. What was I thinking?

Multiples

To be brutally honest I have been a very busy girl. As far as guys are concerned I have two notable ones floating around, and I am not sure what I am going to do with them both. In my own defense I will say that I am not a serial dater, but that neither of the guys has become so important that he warrants my dismissal of the other. As far as I'm concerned, they each have intriguing qualities, and I can't say for sure who I will wind up with. Here is the lowdown: The first guy, Mike, has been in the picture for about a month. He is a personal trainer, ex-marine, and has a fantastic body. We share lots of similar qualities. I really like him. At first, we talked on the phone for ridiculously long periods of time (as in my-phone-ran-out-of-battery long). I felt like someone else in this world was similarly quirky, and thought I had met my match. Unfortunately for both of us he lives REALLY far away and has a contradictory schedule to my own. I barely get to see him. Also, as well as we get along, he has yet to really prove himself to me in bed. Every time we have gotten down and dirty together I don't see any sincere attempt to make sure that I have an orgasm. Now, most women and clitoral, and I will say I am definitely part of that group. Most guys make at least some attempt to pay attention to that very important area of a woman, but not Mike. The thing is, I have yet to really discuss this with him, and therefore he cannot be held accountable for information that he has not yet received (though most guys do get the memo from previous experiences). Also, he is not rough enough, in general, to really make me think that he is the kind of guy to be the "as long as I get mine" type. He is a fantastic kisser, too. I will just have to see what happens once I talk to him. The second guy, Sam, is a teacher and a lyricist. I didn't expect to get along with him at first, but it is refreshing to be with a person who is very expressive. So expressive, in fact, that every moment in bed with him is accompanied by a narration of what is going on by Sam. Not dirty talk necessarily, but a running commentary worthy of romance novels. Never before Sam have I met a guy who talks as much, if not more, than me. Aside from all the verbiage, though, I never have to worry that I will be neglected in bed. He is very attentive, and I have had multiple orgasms with him. He is, as well, very well tended to by yours truly. Mutually satisfied partners, I would say. The thing with Sam is that we are from two very different cultures. He grew up on the South Side of Chicago and works in the music industry. I grew up on the North Shore and work in a "button-down and trousers" office. It will be interesting to see how compatible we are in the long run.

In The Beginning...

It was really only a matter of time until I started spilling my thoughts out into the blogosphere. I can hardly keep from thinking aloud in person, so really this is an extension of my inherent inability to keep my mouth shut. I guess that is how it goes. For the first time I will be watched more than I am watching others. Readers: I would love your input and comments. I tend to like to listen to opinions but rarely follow advice. I learn things on my own, sometimes to a fault. Thankfully, those trials and errors are far more entertaining than they are damaging.