Never Too Early

As soon as Dave was a prospect he was a has-been. After our very exhilarating date I heard absolutely nothing from him. I sent him a text message in the later morning, and he sent back a single sentence reply a few hours later. Since that point I have heard not one word from this man I was so very excited about. At this point it has been an entire week since our date. For whatever reason he decided that I wasn't worth pursuing. Talking to my best guy friend I realize that I may be a little too good at letting go. Perhaps I could come back towards the middle of the road on this issue as opposed to being on the far end of "being the one who calls." Sometimes, with the way I operate, it almost seems like a stand off. I may be contributing to the pattern more than I know. Since my Father left the family when I was very young I think that the idea of being left by someone is quite scary to me. Putting the first foot out the door has become a way of being in control of the situation, but sometimes it's better to just let things happen without helping them along. I sent Dave an email today to figure out what happened. The wording was very casual, and mostly said that I had enjoyed meeting him, that I hadn't heard from him, and I was curious what his thoughts were on the situation. Since I don't have ESP I can only get what is given to me. Since our date had 3 parts to it, but the continuation of the date from part 1 to parts 2 and 3 were suggested by him, I could have only deduced that he liked my company and was eager for more. Dave disappearing after the date, and not calling doesn't fit the pattern. Perhaps something happened later on that made him feel like it would not be a good idea to call. At the risk of being a complete "girl" about it I had made up my mind to let sleeping dogs lie. My actions today are completely counter-intuitive. I just poked my sleeping dog with a stick. At this point I can only wait and see what happens. I highly doubt the email will motivate him to call me for another date, but I do hope that it contains some insight as to what I may have done to cause him to jump ship.

Ditch-o-meter

The same way some people can smell when it's about to rain is the way that I can sense a guy is about decide to stop calling me. I can virtually put my finger in the air and feel which way the wind is blowing. The last guy is totally out of the picture. We went on our last date the weekend before last and had a great time. I texted him a time or two over the next two days and he responded, but would not initiate contact. I left him alone and heard nothing over the following two, almost three days until I got a text message that our date for this past weekend was cancelled. Not only was his friend not going (therefore we were not going) to the concert, but he had already made plans to see a boxing match on pay-per-view instead. That was it. I cannot say for sure what it was that caused him to lose interest, but I'm pretty sure it is based on the fact that he is still in school, has a job, and lives at home with his parents. Dating a girl who is living alone, has graduated college years ago, and has a career path is fairly emasculating. Either way I'm still a bit bewildered by the whole experience. He had introduced me to his parents and taken me out to meet his friends before all of the this madness. What's done is done, though, and I am going to keep his number only on the off chance that he decides he was an idiot about 3 months from now (which is the usual operating procedure for the guys who bail like this). As of last night a new prospect has entered the picture. I went on my first date with a guy named Dave, who seemed nice but boring from his profile on the dating site. When I met him in person, though, he was pretty laid back and far more attractive in person. Our political and religious beliefs are virtually identical (which is usually the hardest part), and we have the beginnings of chemistry. As long as he is not in love with the constant pursuit of other women on the dating site, and can put forth some consistent effort in seeing me in the future I would say this one's a keeper. For now it's far too early to tell.

Notches

It can be very hard to see your failures displayed proudly in front of you all at once. When I go through the "your matches" section of the dating site much of my love life over the last year and a half is right in front of my eyes: The crazy guy I should have avoided, the one that wouldn't stay with me because I refused to become a trophy wife, the man with too many issues to count, the one I had sex with on the first date and didn't call me back after (I really should have seen that one coming), the one that chatted with me online but could never meet me in person, and the guy I'm seeing now. The current one, as said before, has been consistently logging on to his account daily. I haven't noticed until now because I wasn't on there to check on him, but ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is what allowed me to think that it was a good idea to really consider being with him. Now that I see he hasn't skipped a beat I'm worried that the connection was really all in my head. For the entire day I haven't received even one text message. Yesterday I had to send him one in order to get a response. Tomorrow will tell where this relationship is really headed, though I don't have high hopes. Honestly, the only reason I keep beating this dead horse is because I know that my other options are fruitless. Unless I am out at a bar with my friends I work around women and gay men. No potential suitors are going to be crossing my path unless it occurs online. There is a certain part of me that almost wants to give up, but I do crave that connection with someone that my girlfriends just cannot make up for. When I have no one I wind up with lots of guys in the picture as a result. With all of that stacked against me I'm not sure what my next move is. Also, since the guy I'm seeing is rather fit physically, and I have been unable to go to the gym for the last few months I feel as if I am unworthy of his affections. When I'm with him I don't feel that he is judging me, but I don't see that giddy "she's nekked!" glitter in his eye either. Nor are there any mind blowing compliments coming my way. Perhaps he is willing to put up with me physically because he likes me as a person, and he wouldn't throw me out of bed. That alone is a scary thought to me as well. Even without working out I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, just a little softer than usual. With him, however, his behavior indicates there may not be "more of me" to love.

Newbie

The initial stages of dating are always both elating and terrifying. The butterflies and first kisses are wonderful, but after the 4th or 5th date the "where is this going?" question starts to pop into every woman's head. One of the things I pride myself on is being able edit some of the things that women say which scare men. Instead of being overly emotional I can play it pretty cool. Every once in a while, though, I cannot control my emotions. The guy I am seeing right now (who is not the same one I posted about earlier) has been in the picture for about 3 weeks. We have gone out alone and with his friends. He doesn't seem to be a big phone guy, but he is good about text messaging me pretty consistently. I think that he is the type of guy that I could really be with long-term. This realization is both sweet and sour for me. It has been years since I could say that I really felt safe with someone. Since we met online, there are certain things that come into play in this particular situation. The first is that we do not know each other through anyone else, so there is no one to vouch for either of us. The second is that we can see when the last time we went on the dating site is, and that can be a blessing an a curse. Out of curiosity I went online to check my profile (and hide myself in searches), and decided to check up on him. Turns out he logged on last night. I'm not really sure that this means he is still looking, but it wasn't the best feeling to see that he is still an active member in the online dating world. I feel like if I say nothing then I will be the one at fault, but I don't really think now is the time to be doing that type of thing. If he is on the edge, then pulling something like that will only cause him to bail. There is always the possibility that he was on there last night checking if I had logged on (which I hadn't)...so for now I have to curb the urge to speak.

Coppertop

I went on a small set of online shopping sprees over the last few days. First, I decided that my wardrobe needed an update so I headed over to my favorite store (which is lovely about sending me great coupons) and spent about $150 on new clothes. After that I decided to have some fun at Target, and got new hangers (to save space since I am adding more clothes to my closet) among other things. The last of the shopping occurred today when I went onto drugstore.com and ordered a pumice stone, and two new vibrators. The last time I ordered vibrators on the site I accidentally sent the order to my father's address, though I did manage to have it cancelled before it was shipped. I guess the last purchase had been some gift items to him (none of which were battery powered), and when I went to ship my order his address was the default setting. It seems as if I wear out certain buzzing friends within about 6 months, so I tend to make sure I buy rather cheap ones so I don't feel badly when they have to be replaced. My only issue with some vibrators is that they take strange batteries, and it's hard to make sure I have replacements available when they start to purr with less enthusiasm. Generally speaking, I prefer for these little silicone buddies (usually disguised as brightly colored animals) to be small, cute, and work with AA or AAA batteries. Hopefully my package doesn't disappoint me...in more ways than one.

Back on the Market

I have been in some version of hell for the last few months. Shifting around things in my life puts me in a state of stress, and all I had done was shift one or more elements of my existence around. Now that I have a new job, a new apartment, and a new love life, I finally feel like things are settling down. For the first time in a few years I feel like I have structure, money, and a real home. Prior to moving into my first one bedroom apartment I was worried that I would be unable to adjust to having no one else around. It seems, however, to be rather relaxing to know that I can put things where I want them to go, and the level of cleanliness (or messiness) is entirely up to me. The only real situation arising at this point is that I need to maintain my focus on the fashion line despite having a full time job. Once all the "settling in" is over I will have no excuse to put it on the back burner. Ultimately in order to achieve a fully blissful state, I will have to push through the next few stages of my own business' development so that I can say, eventually, that my full time occupation is owner of my own company. The clock is ticking.

Hiatus

I feel like I have not been able to bring myself to post what's going on with me because it's so friggin depressing. I am packing up my stuff to go into a storage unit, and move into a friend's place for a month or so until I can afford to get my own place. For the first time since I was 17 years old, I don't have my own place. While there are a few different places that I am applying to, I cannot be sure that I will have a job, or that the job I get with really give me enough money to make my ends meet. Being fearful about the future certainly puts a damper on the rest of the summer. Going through my things, I have to decide which things to take with me, and which go into storage. Functioning on an edited version of what I own. Living marginally. It's really scary. I am usually an optimist, but I guess life conspires to break people of good habits. I still am attempting to keep my head up. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Unglued

Too many things are up in the air. When I decided to pair up with my girlfriend in the locksmith business I didn't anticipate her constant pursuit of money. We have yet to actually work this week, and now she is hoping to get us into a completely different line of work. At this point I don't know what to think. There is no reason that she has to keep working with me instead of anyone else, and I am not completely sure that she would stick to her word. Also, seeing that I am moving at the end of this month, and I have no money to do so, I was going to move in with her, and take over her extra bedroom in the meantime while we start working. Right now everything hinges on her actions, and if something keeps us from working together I am fearful that I will also need to find someplace to live in the meantime. The amount of stress I am under right now is far greater than almost anything I have experienced. Too many pieces of my life are completely undetermined. The more aspects I feel are up in the air, the more nervous I get. Since the only thing going well at this point is the fashion line, it is safe to say that I am nearly completely unglued. Something has got to give soon, before I fall apart.

Status Change

Last week was a virtual roller coaster. I can say that I am excited that the result of a very trying incident involving my car's complete inability to hold onto it's coolant is my new job: I am going to get into locksmithing. I know it seems slightly strange that a fashion girl would get into deadbolts, but I think it could work. The schedule is fairly flexible, and the money should be great. I will be able to make enough money that I can save up and pay off some of my debts. The business will benefit from my new financial freedom as well. As far as the boys are concerned I still have both in the picture, though Mr. Hospitality is probably not going to be around for long. As great as the second date went, his absence for 17 days left us back at the awkwardness of the first date all over again. The likelihood that he will continue to initiate contact is slim. At this point, though, I cannot say that I would be disappointed. Having just one boy and two jobs is just fine for me.

Waiting

Having never been good at realizing how much time has gone by I only knew it had been a while since I have had a job. Looking at my calendar I see that it has been almost 6 weeks. It seems ridiculous that I have been out of work for so long. When this all started I felt like there were so many opportunities available. I was in line for being a fashion teacher, then a cosmetics manager, now a co-manager at a clothing store. Only one of the opportunities is ruled out, but waiting forever to find out results is killing me. It never seemed to take this long for me to be hired by the jobs I hated, but here I am waiting to be hired by places I might like. Life is not fair, but this is bordering on absurd. Tomorrow is Friday, and I was told on Tuesday that I would know if the clothing store is hiring me by the end of the week. Considering I have not heard that any of my references received calls I can say I am not very hopeful. Perhaps something is written on my forehead that I cannot see myself, but potential employers do. These are the days that I seriously consider becoming a stripper.

Dating Sandwich

At the moment I have two guys in the picture. A second date with Mr. Hospitality proved to be interesting. Perhaps since both of us are sociable due to the kind of work we do, we both were unable to read the interest level of the other. When I called him (on the Wednesday after our Saturday date) later in the week he was definitely able to find time to see me before he left for over seas. We had dinner, and followed it with drinks. The atmosphere was very relaxed, and I felt like he really opened up to me more freely than the first encounter. There was palpable chemistry, and we spent some serious time silent together after talking so much throughout the evening. Provided Mr. Hospitality stays in touch once he returns from his 18 day trip we will definitely be seeing one another. On the other side of things I had a great time with Jared, a rapper I met at a friends show a few weeks ago. He is very warm, but a bit unconventional (as one might expect from an artistic personality). Certainly Mr. Hospitality is a bit more grounded, and a lot hotter, but Jared has a beautiful energy about him, and I feel amazing around him. Each guy has certain things that draw me to him, and I cannot say for sure who will wind up sticking around. For now Mr. Hospitality is not around so I am spending my time with Jared. Only time will tell what can happen.

Heading South

I have left the house twice today. Both times I was motivated by food. In the afternoon I was dead set on getting pesto cavatappi from Noodles and Company. An hour ago I left the house again because that new salad at Wendy's was calling my name (along with a frosty and a baked potato). It's sad that I am doing nothing about feeling that I am doing nothing. The only thing I accomplished today was to do my laundry. Other than that I sent a bunch of text messages and watched a whole lot of Project Runway. I feel so depressed it's even hard for me to be social. Usually when I start to feel down I tend to reach out. Today I had to push myself to do that. Tomorrow I know that I will have to really put some work in. I need to sew some things for the end of the month. It would be so nice to have the appropriate funding so I can really put the effort in that I know I am capable of into the clothing line. Until then I really need a day job so I can begin to juggle the two parts of my work life, but make enough money to get by. At the moment something has got to give. I need a direction.

Tick Tock

Waiting is terrible. I had my second interview for a management position with a clothing company yesterday. The first interview obviously went well, and I met with the district manager. I am crossing my fingers that I get the job, and I am told that I will know either today or tomorrow. In the meantime the clock is ticking. My last paycheck from the talent company came yesterday. It served to illustrate that there is only so much time left before I need to pay rent, and having cash flowing in is essential. At the moment I am freaking out. Hopefully there will be a phone call later today.

Jerry is Scary

The totally insane Jerry I saw on my first date with him is definitely alive and kicking. Though he doesn't show it at once, the same strange behaviors do permeate the surface. Since I was not willing to drop everything to come to every event Jerry invited me to I wound up getting a sullen version of Jerry on the phone. He was snide, and short tempered with me no matter what we were discussing. I was unwilling to go out and meet him knowing that he was being really mean to me. Taking the chance that I could travel out to meet Jerry and his crew then be completely snubbed by him was not on my list of things to do. During the last phone conversation Jerry decided the wedding he invited me to was also not something he wanted me to come to any longer. It was indicative of the shift in behavior from Jerry towards me. I became someone who has broken out of the mold he is used to in females. I do not bother with endlessly chasing Jerry, willing to cater to his every need. He has met his match, and he resents me for it. Too bad for him. I will have to find an appropriate name to give him in my phone. He definitely deserves a new title.

Dating Squared

When it rains it pours. For months I haven't had many good experiences with men. Marc became a total bummer, and after the teacher all I had were the few guys that hound me to give them a second chance (but definitely don't deserve it). Now I can say that I have myself multiple options. Bachelor number 3 went to lunch with me yesterday. We had good conversation, and he is definitely worthy of a follow up date. After I left Andrew I went to see a movie with the rapper. Actually, it was more like dinner, a movie, and drinks. The chemistry is definitely there with this one. Usually I find the musicians to burn hot, but burn out fast. While I like the rapper I am not convinced that he will have staying power. Hopefully he will prove me wrong. This Saturday I have a date at the zoo with the last of the online dating boys. I find myself with lots of options, and I am not really sure how I got here. Perhaps the sad excuses for dates I wound up with were just a breather before the multiple choices I was about to be given. What is unclear right now, is how I will be able to juggle these guys until I figure out who I should really be with. Knowing men, though, some will self-eliminate.

Picture Perfect

Yesterday I had a first date with a tall, dark, handsome man (according to his pictures). When I met him I found out that the pictures were a bit outdated. Aside from being tall he was also chubby, and fairly unattractive. This guy is a math teacher, and completely fits the stereotypes that go along with that vocation. Mr. Math still lives with his parents at 30 years old, and sees no reason to pay rent when he can buy his own place in a few years. Conversation with him was kept going by a major feat on my part that left me tired after only 90 minutes. I kept finding ways to glance at his watch. When dates go well time usually flies by. This time the minutes trudged along slowly, wading through the vast expanse of forced conversation. Mr. Math is certainly not going to be my next boyfriend. I hope the other 2 are far better for me than this one.

Mr. Hospitality

So I met bachelor number 1 this afternoon. We met in the park and walked around a bit. The conversation flowed fairly easily, but in the beginning there are tons of questions about each other's past that make keeping the flow easy (for me at least). I can say that he doesn't suck. He is tall (thankfully), medium build, and fairly cute. We were both very relaxed around each other. After about an hour and a half we started walking back towards where I had parked my car. I assumed that he would be walking me to my car, and heading out to "hang with the guys" for the evening. He actually threw me for a loop by suggesting we get a drink in the area. Extending a first date is usually a good sign. Ending it at that moment would have been exceptionally simple. I was excited to see that he was interested. Since Eric works in hospitality I knew that I couldn't gauge his interest level by his willingness to hold a conversation (the same applies to me, and most guys do not get the memo). When we finally said goodbye, he suggested that we talk on the phone soon. Unfortunately he leaves to over seas in 8 days, and he will be gone until the beginning of August. I will have to wait until then to really get to know Eric. In the meantime I will have my hands full with the other 3 guys. Also, one of my rogue guys from my past (we met about a year ago, but had lost contact) has resurfaced. We will be meeting up for drinks in the next week or so. With him, however, I feel like there is a likeliness that things may be flirty, but will not develop past that point. There is also another wild card, who is a musician I met last Thursday night (at my friend's show). There was a certain amount of flirtation, but nothing overt. This next month should be pretty interesting. I will have to see what develops.

Another Round

Jerry is back in town. He is visiting Chicago for a month. The first night he got in I was supposed to pick him up from the airport. Since Jerry's flight was delayed I wasn't sure when it was that I would be summoned. I promised that I would be at the airport as long as he let me know what time. I didn't answer when he called, but he left a message to be there at 11pm, so I was. Apparently that was not enough, because Jerry had called another friend to pick him up as well. I was circling the airport waiting for someone who didn't trust I would be there. I followed Jerry and his friend back in my car, and we went out after that. Since we got off to a late start we were out until almost 7am. This time when Jerry got drunk he didn't go insane like the first time I met him. Mostly he was just loud and happy. When it comes to me, however, Jerry is very conflicted. He likes me, and wants to be with me, but since I won't commit to a long distance relationship with him, he doesn't know what to do. Even though what I want right now is to find a boyfriend I don't feel like the long distance relationship would really fulfill me. I need face time with the guy I see. Physical contact is a necessary perk to having a boyfriend. I plan on making sure I have time with my man. Jerry can only give me that for a month. A month is not enough. As for the other guys right now, I have three in play. One is Dutch who has lived all over the world. He speaks 4 languages, and 2 we have in common. I will meet with him today. Another is a math teacher in the city. He and I are supposed to meet up on Sunday. Both of them are over 6' tall, so at least I know I will not feel like a giant next to them. There is also a high school basketball coach, and a risk manager for some large corporation. Those guys have yet to be spoken with on the phone. If at the end of going out with these 4 guys nothing clicks, considering the 4 others I previously went on dates with, I think it will be time for me to take a break from dating. 0/8 are terrible odds, and I wouldn't want to go for more after that. So I guess I have 4 down, and there are 4 more to go.

Face Forward

Marc never called. After 2 full days I put my profile back up for the last few days until my month-long subscription to the dating site ends. I got back in touch with 3 or so guys that I had been interested in. Marc still has yet to make contact with me, but had logged back in recently to the dating site. I was right about it being over. Going forward I hope that I find someone who will be a good fit for me as a boyfriend. I also hope I find a good fit in a job. Now that I have had a few opportunities fall through, I am getting very anxious waiting to find out what my next move is going to be. At this point I feel that I am losing a certain amount of control of my destiny. Because of this I am fearful that I will not find a job in time to make end meet, and I am falling down on getting necessary things done. Also I have an opportunity to apply for a spot in a major reality television show. Professionally the chance to participate in something national would be great exposure for myself and my company. At this time, however, I feel that it may not happen simply because so many other things have been going in strange directions. Most of the time I feel that the universe takes me in a positive, necessary course, but that doesn't seem to be happening right now. Perhaps I am being a pessimist for the time being. I just need to feel like something is meant to be. Even if things are not working out I can still see a direction being carved out for me. Right now that direction is unclear. I hope the fog lifts.

Waning Interest

I have a keen sense of when things are cooling off between me and a guy. Last summer I was dating an actor for a few weeks, and there was a point that I realized he had lost interest in seeing me. It was a very casual relationship so I didn't really mind when it ended. His behavioral patterns shifted into a more passive set, and I knew it was over. I stopped calling him. He stopped calling me. It was easy. Marc is now about to add himself to that list of men. After 2 weeks of consistently texting, calling, and making plans I watched him opt out twice in one weekend. Friday night he was invited out to a dinner with extended family, which I expect not be invited to, and I didn't think much of it. Saturday night, however, he was invited out to go drinking with his brother and some friends (when we planned to be together that night), and left me to go with them. While family dinners are not something that an outside guest is easily included in drinking with friends certainly is. By making an excuse to go out, and not including me in those plans I realized that Marc may be drifting already. On Sunday I text messaged Marc during the day a few times, and he responded. That night I didn't get a call. Yesterday I didn't get a call, or text either. I have a feeling today will be the same. Perhaps he was not as fantastic as I originally thought.

The Pursuit

There are always turbulent times in every person's life. Most of the time I remain fairly calm when the weather is stormy, but when financial issues are unresolved I lose my cool. Currently I am waiting to hear if I will be hired by a cosmetics company to manage one of their very lucrative accounts downtown. This will be the first job that pays me more than I need to get by. I am hoping that it works out. Not only will it allow me to be challenged by what I do, but I will also have the chance to afford living on my own, and pay down some of my bills. The other issue that is really getting under my skin is the incessant chase after money on my part with others in my life. I pay all the bills for a household of 4. Every month I have to run after 3 roommates to pay me for their portion of the expenses. On top of that, I have to front the money in the interim, making my budgeting very tight until I hunt down the cash from the other 3 contributors. I am very careful with my money, but I cannot say the same for those around me. A friend of mine has me do some work for him from time to time, and I can say that it is a rare occasion that he remembers to pay me without a reminder. Tonight I had talked to him about giving me the cash, and he promised he would get it to me this evening. When I got home it was not there. I called him (yet again) to ask when he could get me the money, and he said maybe tomorrow. Initially he was adamant that I finish the work in a few days, and now I have finished on time but still been waiting for almost 2 weeks for my pay. I think at this point, with waiting for the job offer to be extended to me, I cannot take on any additional projects. If I have to chase my next job, and my 3 roommates, there is no room left to need to chase after others as well. The whole situation is making me unbelievably stressed out. What I can control has to be kept in check.

Then There Was One

I retired my profile today from the online dating. The other men have all been without something, be it height, chemistry, or good timing. All have fallen away except for the Israeli guy. Marc is not the same kind of Israeli as Rafi was. At our last meeting I brought up the topic of men who will only be serious with a girl who has had few sexual partners. Marc responded by recognizing that most girls lie about the total number, anyway, and that the past is not as important as the present. Marc, also, is not as religious as Rafi was, but does uphold a lot of the traditions of Judaism. On top of that, he works 6 days a week, and still finds time to see me at least 3 times in that space. He likes to go out. He invites me out along with him. Basically, Marc doesn't suck. Perhaps I have found someone who will take on the role of boyfriend, and has his life together.

The Countdown (Part 1)

Now that I have started to weed through these guys I have learned that lots of different things come into play. I met the Russian guy who works in web development on Thursday evening. He was perfectly nice, and was really easy to talk to. Unfortunately he lied about his height. He said he was 5'6" when he is more like 5'4". I am almost a full head taller than him. Feeling like a giant is not going to bring out my femininity in the least. Lying on an online profile only works until you meet in person. Once you are face to face with someone things like height and weight are totally apparent. I might be okay with a guy calling me "shorty" but I am certainly not okay with going out with a guy who is one himself. He can find a lovely 5'2" female for himself. I am tall. I need a guy at least my own height. That is one down. Today I met another one who is rather tall, but a divorced dad of two girls. We met for lunch, and I think we hit it off, but he was very reserved and kind of nervous so I didn't get too much of a feel for him. While he was perfectly nice, but I didn't feel any major sparks. There will probably be a second date so I can get a better picture of him, but I don't think he is going to really be the one for me. The Israeli is still around, and I do like being around him, but I still feel the need to keep looking. Yesterday I told the guy who I was pretty unsure about that I didn't really think that I felt comfortable meeting him yet. He told me he never wanted to be my boyfriend, and proceeded to close his chat window. That behavior definitely confirmed for me that he is emotionally unbalanced. That guy was certainly not someone who was worthy of my time and energy. Also, out of nowhere yesterday, I had this fantastic online conversation with a totally new guy. He was witty, intelligent, and seemingly amazing. We were supposed to meet last night at midnight, and I gave him my number so we could work out the details. He never called me last night, which was a huge let down. I guess I should say that it was nice to know he wasn't all that he seemed in such a short period of time. A certain part of me, however, was hoping he would be.

The New Batch

So now that things have been wrapped up with all the old batch of guys I am diving headfirst into the new batch of boys. There are 4 or 5 of them around right now, and hopefully one of them will be worthy of becoming a real boyfriend. The first is a nice Jewish boy (in fact, they are all nice Jewish boys) who is a financial planner in the northern suburbs of Chicago. He is tall, cute, and easy to talk to. At first, he was pretty sure that he was headed for a career in professional baseball, but now he wears a collared shirt, and no cleats. His drawback, however, is that he is divorced with two small children. The ex-wife is catholic, so his girls are not Jews. Should the relationship progress, there could be issues with starting a Jewish family with a guy who has non-Jewish children. How do you explain to the kids why their half-sisters live by different rules? It's not a total loss, but it is definitely a worry. Obviously I should see if I really click with him first. The second is another Israeli guy who, unlike Rafi, takes me out on dates and actually likes to spend time with girls he is seriously dating. Talking to him is fine, but I have to consciously make sure that I use very simple vocabulary with him. What I really want is to be with a guy who is intellectually and sexually stimulating. This guy can only support 50% of the equation. The third guy is originally from Russia, but has lived here most of his life. He is awesome to talk to, and is very attractive. He works in web development, and has a great sense of humor. His drawback is only that he is about an inch shorter than I am. If I wind up with him, I will have to retire my heels from their regular rotation. The fourth is an extremely tall (6' 3") dirty blonde who lives in Ohio. He hails from South Africa (bonus points for a cute accent) originally, and is really looking to settle down. Working out the details of a long distance relationship, however, may be a little more stressful than I am really willing to deal with right now. His only chance will be that he is devastatingly handsome in person, and that I cannot think of anyone else. That is probably not going to be the case. The last guy is someone I had spoken with a bit the last time I had been on the dating website. There is only one picture on his profile. From what I can tell he is cute, but I cannot say for sure. I am also worried that he is a bit of a player, but I may meet him for a drink. If any strange behavior results I will be the first out of the bar. I promise. Until one of these guys rises to the top of the group I will see what possibilities there may be. Still holding true to the prior posts, though, I am waiting to have sex until I am in a committed monogamous relationship (thank you Patty Stanger).

Morning Clarity

Last night I was so stunned it took me a long while to process that fateful phone call. A week long relationship, however, does not merit a long mourning period. I cried hard for about 5 minutes, mostly due to my frustration with the concept rather than the specific situation with Jon. This morning, now that I have slept a full night, I have this for him (which he will never be told).

Jon-
You will keep yourself from getting to know many extraordinary people by trying to risk manage your relationships. There was obviously a connection with us that was present from the start, and that you have pushed away in the name of possibly wanting to live outside of Chicago in the future. You are going to be in this city for 2 more years in order to complete your education, and many other situations could have divided us naturally in that time. To end what has only begun will only cheat you from the experiences that you treasure down the road. We could have had a great run, and broken up down the road, but maintained a friendship. Instead you have cut us off at the foot, and we cannot have any semblance of a future. I hope that is exactly what you wanted, because that is definitely what you got.

A Drop in the Bucket

Since my last post I have had a full term relationship in the course of a week. A guy who had been someone I dated (once) during my first stint in the world of online dating came up again when I recently signed back up. I met up with him again with a girlfriend of mine to have champagne on his balcony. All went well. A few days later I had lunch with him, and dinner two days after that. We were getting into the habit of talking to each other for hours at a time on the phone, and every date was rather enjoyable. Last night, after dinner, we finally returned to his place and took it to the bedroom. Since he is a self-described "late bloomer" I was a bit worried that he would be lacking in the bedroom skills department, but my assumptions were unfounded. Three rounds later we went to sleep. Tonight, however, he threw me for a loop. Just when I was getting to like him, and congratulating myself for finding a guy who was really great, he opted out. We had scheduled a date for tomorrow night, but when I called him this evening he said that he was absolutely not ready for something serious. Over the course of this last week he had made mention of several trips we would take together. In his head he had planned out our entire future. In some way he had ended us before we began. He told me that he was very intrigued with me, but he couldn't be what I was looking for. He didn't want us to continue to waste each others' time. To some degree I am relieved he would tell me this early on. On the other hand I think he acted too quickly. So far we were getting along very well, and it was just the beginning. There is no way to tell the future, so predicting that it will be disastrous when nothing indicates that in the present is completely ridiculous. I guess I am still stunned. I never saw this coming. Things had been going well, and I feel like I am unable to maintain my hope that I will find someone who makes me feel secure when all the men I have been dating lately have a way of pulling the plug.

Put Up or Shut Up

The 3 month mark seems to be my breaking point for guys I am dating. Within 3 months the guy I am seeing either decides to commit to me, and starts to fall in love, or he gets scared and runs. With Rafi it seems that the same is true. While I get a text a day from him, nothing has changed in terms of how he sees me. The fact that he feels very comfortable with me keeps him attached, but his "under 10 partners" double standard pushes him away. It was right around 3 months that this final fission occurred. The same has happened before with a few other guys. Fortunately for me, the 3 month point has also been when a lot of guys have become intensely committed to being in a real relationship with me, and have started to fall in love with me. I certainly hope that this time around I will able to find someone who will be in a position to give me back what I am capable of giving. I want to feel like I can build something with a person who is stable, and in a place in their life that they can really move forward. When Chuck was in the picture, he was committed but he didn't have his life together. He won't for a long time. While Mike has his career in place, he just wasn't able to commit to anyone. What I need is both pieces of the puzzle.

Someone Else's Book

It's been 3 days. Rafi text messaged me last night asking for me to come over. I told him that I was through with having sex with guys that are not my boyfriend. He said I should do whatever I feel. What I felt like was changing his name on my phone from "spinning wheels" to "under 10" which I think is more appropriate considering the circumstances of our break up. A small part of me did like the fact that he had to contact me in a few days of our fight. I won in some small way. I had pushed through my urge to contact him, and he had not won against his. Last night, though, I did go back on the dating website. I really am going to be borrowing a page out of Patty Stanger's (from the show Millionaire Matchmaker) book on dating: I am not having sex until I am in a committed monogamous relationship. If I really need to have sex I will utilize my long term "friend with benefits" or my battery powered friends. Something has to change. I am not in a mood to just date right now. I really want a relationship, and I have to acknowledge that. The guys that I meet at this point who are just interested in sex will get frustrated with me. I won't have to find out later that all I had was another notch on the bedpost. I think I have acquired enough of those already. According to Rafi, about 15 too many.

One Down

I just want to congratulate myself: I finished out a full day without calling Rafi once. I must say that it was hard, but I did it. I will continue to do this until I finally stop thinking about him. I really deserve better. Speaking of better, I received a phone call today from a fashion program in the area looking for teachers. I had submitted my resume on the off chance they were hiring. Turns out I looked good to them. Teaching in the industry would be a great way to stay on my game. It would also give me the same flexibility to have some time off throughout the year, and still keep my line going. In fact, the line gives me extra credibility. Who knew? Maybe things are looking up.

Quitting Squared

Yesterday I quit my job, and Rafi. When I went into work I decided to talk directly to the (crazy) boss, and tell her that the environment was too stressful for me. She was very understanding. I don't think she realized that she was the reason the environment was stressful for me. Next, I went in to talk to my manager. She was well aware of all the things I was about to say. I had discussed my frustrations before. When I was given the exit interview paperwork she told me to be very candid. If no one speaks up then the boss will never see that her actions directly impact her turnover. Micromanaging a commission based staff is utter nonsense. Now it's my job to get a job that I will really stay at. Retail may be where I go to next if this nanny opportunity is not for me. Thursday will bring me some answers. As for Rafi, I finally got to see him last night after almost a week. We had both been busy at different times, and we didn't get a chance to meet up. We had just finished having sex, and were lying next to each other talking. I started to talk about the fact that I had yet to have an orgasm with him due to the emotional wall he had up between us. Rafi decided that it wasn't making him feel good to do all the work with no results to show for it. I asked him if it would change. His response was that since I had sex with so many guys, and that someone who could list less than 10 was the only acceptable answer, we could never really get close. Apparently there was no way to change his mind. I don't deserve to be with someone who puts a ceiling on a good relationship because of something that I cannot change. Hitting the ceiling tends to cause emotional concussions, so there would be nothing to gain from staying with him. I slowly got up, and started to get dressed. Rafi didn't want me to leave. He said he was very connected to me. I told him he wasn't. He would never be, and it's better that I know that now. He wanted to talk about it another day. I told him that any other day would be the same thing. If Rafi couldn't see himself with me then I didn't want to be putting myself in a situation where I don't get back what I need emotionally. In the end I walked out the door. I closed it behind me. He opened it a moment later, looked me in the eye, and said good night. I said good night quietly and walked away. I have a feeling that Rafi will learn quickly that I did impact his life positively. I know he will miss me. Unfortunately, none of that pining will ever change his iron clad limits of what he will accept in a female. He may miss me and want me back, but he will never be able to open himself up to being with me. Perhaps that is why, subconsciously, I had never changed his name on my phone after I re-named him "spinning wheels." That was all I ever was doing while I was with him.

Today is the Day

Today is the day I quit my boss. Technically I am quitting my job, but it's mostly caused by the erratic behavior that has allowed my office culture to become ridiculously stressful. The environment is so bad that I have compromised my immune system consistently, and the other workers and I are unable to do our work efficiently. Because of the shady things that go on in the office I will have to quit without giving them notice. I will complete this search and all the follow up that goes along with it. After that, they are on their own. I have no idea what the result will be. At this point I don't care. Yesterday I applied for a nanny position that will work in well with my schedule. It is for 2 young girls who are going to be moving to my area as soon as their parents announce their divorce. Since I come from a divorced family, and I love kids, I think this job will keep my on my toes in a good way. The mother is very nice, and she is a little frazzled at times between her job and her girls. Helping people is something that makes me feel rewarded, and as long as I can make my ends meet with this new gig I will be a very excited woman. I interview on Thursday. Wish me luck.

The Backup

I realize that I am entirely too intrigued with human behavior to stay out of trouble. I believe that I would have half the number of men I slept with if I didn't find people so interesting. Today I went where I never should have gone, but something in me had to see what it was about. This guy has been slightly obsessed with me via myspace for almost 8 months. He is a very successful Jewish guy in his mid 30s. He thought I was hot, and he added me as a friend. Apparently, though, he has a girlfriend who has recently given him an ultimatum to propose to her or she will leave him. Given the fact that he is unsure that she is "the one" she has effectively pushed him away. Considering this new development, and that he is still very much attracted to me (or my pictures at least) this guy asked me to lunch. It was not a date, but it definitely was not completely innocent either. Rafi has yet to really commit to me, so my curiosity got the better of me and I joined my cyber-stalker for lunch. While we have very similar personalities, he is definitely not the most physically attractive person I have met. Rafi is tons hotter than him, and I have way more chemistry with Rafi, but I am still intrigued by this strange dynamic. This guy just had to meet me. Because of that I had to meet him. At this point he is very attracted to me, and I am interested to see what he is going to try to do. He lives with his girlfriend, but he is on deadline to propose by August. Since he is planning to opt out, he is of the mind to wait it out until then, and then have her move out. Once that relationship is over he will need at least another 8 months to really rebound fully. He cannot even think to have a relationship with me for another year or so. Still, he is going to have "innocent" lunches with me just to keep me around as a backup. Funny enough, that should give Rafi just enough time to build something real with me. I could wind up in a really deep relationship with someone who (now, after entirely too long) has a level of physical and emotional intimacy with me that no one else has had with me for years. At that point this guy will be ready for something he cannot have. So really, what was the point? No matter what, I will be very curious to see how this will play out.

Still Hanging On

Rafi is still hanging on. He will never return my call at night. I think that I will just have to accept that. Whenever we speak he is much more attentive. We have been able to talk more freely (during the day) now, and I am able to spend time with him pretty frequently. Rafi has one last chance now. Hopefully he uses it wisely.

High Turnover

There is absolutely no way I can stay at my job. Every day is something totally different. Having a job that changes regularly should be considered a plus, but when policies change at a whim with no supporting evidence that the new shift will be more effective, there is more of a "water bed" feeling (which just makes me motion sick). One movement from our manic owner causes her managers to put new pressure and policies into action with no notice. Since they have had almost 50 people quit within the last six months I would say that they are definitely not making their staff happy. While I hate being the person to leave a job without seeing it through, I feel my hands are tied here. Working retail has always been one of the things that I was good at, but was not totally excited about (mostly because of the schedule), and considering that retail is starting to look good again I must absolutely get out of my current gig. I told my manager I was feeling sick yesterday and left an hour early. Today I will call in sick. Tomorrow as well. That way I can catch up on the orders for clothing I have to fill and look for a new job. Thankfully the paychecks I get take forever, so at this point I have all of this month figured out already, and the kids that sign up on Monday will determine my first check of July. The one problem I won't have is waiting for my new job's paycheck without one from my last employer.

Clearing My Head

This last weekend was the last straw on the camel's back. Rafi missed the chance to see me on Friday night because he had been invited to dinner by another family. I had been fighting back and forth with him for the entire week since he was being rather detached. He had failed to follow through consistently on any plans we had made. I was fed up, and decided to stop inconveniencing myself in order to see him. Friday came along, and he didn't have a way to see me. He promised we would see each other on Saturday night. That didn't happen. I didn't even get a phone call until the next morning. Sunday he promised to see me in the evening. I figured it would be early enough we could go to dinner, see a movie, do something outside the house. He decided to go meet up with his piano teacher at the last minute. That was it. I was done with Rafi and his strange list of priorities. I took a long drive to clear my head, so when he finally called at 10:30pm I was absolutely sure that I was ending all of the insanity. He told me that he understood. He said that there were some things he found out about me that kept him from getting close to me. He wouldn't tell me what they were. He wanted to talk in the morning. The next morning we spoke, but Rafi thought that I might no longer be mad, and decided to invite me over to lay in bed with him in the morning. That was definitely not the direction I thought the conversation was going. I told him the only reason that we are talking still was because I felt that he truly wanted to discuss the problems we were having. If that was not the case they we are over, and there is no longer a need to talk at all. He told me that he was told that I have had sex with lots of guys, and that he couldn't be serious with a girl who has been that active in the past. He also heard that I am cheap. I told him I have had sex with a certain number of men (my guess is between 25-30 since I lost my virginity at 17), but that I cannot go back and change anything. If that was a deal breaker for him, then we just needed to end things regardless. I do not have a time machine. As for being cheap, I just started finally making enough money to make my ends meet. If I have any extra money it goes towards paying off my credit cards that were maxed out during the times I didn't have enough in my account to cover things. It is a function of having started my own business, and not working for almost a year and a half. During this conversation Rafi admitted that he misses me a ton. No matter what he finds out about me he can't seem to stop wanting to be with me. I told him that I needed to see action because words such as these have been exchanged before. Things need to change in order for me to feel comfortable. He promised that he would work on it. If last night is any indication, when he told me he would call later that night and failed to, then his words had nothing behind him. I left him a voicemail at 11pm or so that if he was planning to call me after that time I couldn't see it, and he should have a great life. He can live that way all he likes, but I will not be at his side for it. So far I have heard nothing from the man that wakes me up in the morning when he calls. It's almost 10am. I'm pretty sure it's over.

Moving Up

I am finally going to be my own roommate. I figure it's about time since I am halfway through being 25 years old, and I have not lived on my own once. Even though I left the house when I was 17 years old I always had at least one roommate. Twice I have lived with 3 others in the house. I am slightly fearful, and simultaneously excite about the prospect of being the master of my own domain. While talking about it the other night Rafi half-proposed the idea of moving in together. I figured that someone with attachment issues would never want to live with a person they were dating, but I was wrong. Honestly, though, I don't think I would move in with Rafi unless I was engaged to him. There would never be the security there to allow me to feel that I could trust him to keep my happy through an entire lease. Also, I have all of my stuff for sewing and designing coming with me. The idea of being able to work and play whenever I want without having to coordinate or consider anyone else is very exciting to me. I want to find out what that is like. Also, it will be nice to be able to keep things orderly without any silly roommates to mess things up. I have learned a lot about being patient with the laziness and messiness of others. I think it's time to just be responsible for myself.

That Fresh Clean Feeling

Not that I talk about it all that much, but I am a product junkie. I guess the fact that I could never really get into drugs had allowed an opening for me to become way too excited about beauty products. Eye creams are number one for me. Haircare and face products tie for second place. Recently, however, toothpaste has started to become a new interest of mine. I happened upon a shop out in Omaha (of all places) that carried Marvis toothpaste. I bought the tube of jasmine mint flavor, and instantly fell in love. The flavor was amazing, but the frothiness of it (as opposed to the foam of the standard toothpaste) amazed me. Last Friday I happened to go into Merz Apothecary for the first time. It is the most fantastic store in Lincoln Square that carries all sorts of wonderful goodies. I found a toothpaste from India that is reddish colored, and is made with an assortment of Ayurvedic herbs to promote oral health. It tastes a bit like brushing with an herbal muscle rub (there is camphor and menthol in it), but it's quite good. Needless to say, I have found something else to get into. At least it is a good habit to pick up. My dentist will be happy.

All In

Rafi is still around. Actually, since the last post, he has been very good about seeing me and paying attention. I was over at Rafi's twice last week, and even stayed over on Saturday night (so I could drive him to the airport on Sunday). I am not sure that things are really going to go anywhere notable, in fact I think that Rafi is much more religious than I am which will be the end of us. I want to be with someone who has a strong Jewish identity, but someone who is so religious that they cannot be social with non-Jews is not what I want. People are my passion. Anything that seriously impedes that is out of the question. I have been playing around with the idea of going back onto the Internet dating site again. There may be a lot of random people on there, but it's the same way out in the real world. At least this way I can select the ones I am interested in without having to do it face to face. This time, however, I will wait until I am really prepared (and Rafi is fully out of the picture). He is in his mid 30s, but I am still young. There is no real fear that I will turn up an old maid. In fact, I think that my biggest fear is that I will settle for the wrong guy, and much later on I will realize it. As long as that doesn't happen I will be content. All of my classmates from elementary school have seemed to find me on facebook. Lots of them are married. 26 is the age to tie the knot, apparently. I guess I didn't get the memo. Considering that I am just starting to get the business running there is a lot left for me to achieve before I can really say what type of person I will be. Somewhere around 35 I will start to worry about my biological clock. Worse comes to worse I figure I will get a turkey baster and a donation from the local sperm bank.

Double Baked

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I should have let Rafi be. Even though he said things he was doing needed to change that was not really what he was planning on working on. Last night we had another incident of supposed plans that were never resolved in the end. For some reason Rafi feels that when he is busy or tired he doesn't need to call anyone. Considering the events of last week I would have thought that he could have spent the effort to follow up for at least a week. Apparently not. I hate this back and forth. It's not so crazy to ask for a guy who is willing to expend the bare bones amount of effort involved in actually dating someone. That effort consists of calling back and actually going out in public with the other person. Rafi is clearly not that guy, twice over. If he was baked before, he is double baked now.

Chick Flicks

I have a strange propensity towards dance based girl movies. I own Bring It On, Step Up, Drumline, and other such cinematic masterpieces. Yesterday I found myself watching Honey, and Stomp the Yard. Funny enough I have never in my life taken a real dance class. Considering that I have been considered chubby as a child, and curvy as an adult (thankfully I learned that working out regularly is a necessary part of life for me) I was never the type that people really encouraged to become a dancer. Ballet was completely out for me, and the only dancing I ever really got into was hip hop and break dancing. Unfortunately for me having a set of D cups keeps me from really being able to balance myself correctly for break dancing, so even that plan was foiled to a certain degree. For some reason, though, I feel like I can live vicariously through these films. They give me the same type of high that teenage boys get from watching Fast and the Furious. It's weird. I know. Once I met a guy who was also a big fan of chick flicks himself, which I thought would be fantastic, until I realized he was nuts. From then on I decided that these movies would be something I do with my girlfriends only. Sometimes I will trade with a good guy friend and make him come with me provided that I see something he picks later, or I make sure that the girl in dance movie is hot and scantily clad for half the film.

The Remodel

Rafi may not be totally through yet. I saw him last night. He invited me over to talk. I wanted to hear what he had to say, so I went. It was actually rather nice. We had dinner and talked. He apologized for what had happened earlier in the week. He also acknowledged that what I was asking for was not at all strange. Being able to spend time with someone who you want to get to know better is totally understandable. As much as I want to believe Rafi I am still skeptical. Talking is one thing, and doing is something entirely different. If Rafi can deliver on what he said then things will be fine. I think that my silence this week allowed him to see what it would be like without me. He said that he doesn't ever want me to stay away again. He missed me all week. He thinks that there is a possibility of something very real between us, so provided he doesn't mess things up again then I think everything will be okay. For the time being I am still going to keep myself guarded. A real date best be in my future.

Making a List

One of the functions of facebook is that they suggest profiles of people you may know based on mutual friends. Yesterday I ran across the profile of a guy who I dated very very briefly, and who I totally forgot I had been with at all. He is the definition of a blip on the radar. Ironically, even though he didn't last long (in more ways than one) he did become a notch on my bedpost. My best friend decided that I should really make a list so that I don't forget who I have slept with. Honestly I think it's better not knowing for sure. I would guesstimate that I have been with somewhere between 25-30 guys at this point. I will never really know for sure. At this point I don't want to be worried about numbers when I can be concerned about quality. Also, I really don't feel like beating myself up about a connection gone wrong should also be coupled with remorse about having added another "guy to my list." With guys I have learned to stop gauging them by how many partners they have had, and become more concerned about how they are with me. People change. For many years I had only been with 5 guys total, and in a terrible break up I racked up almost 8 in one year. Phases are what build character. I would hope not to be judged by a guy for how many partners I have had. If he is the one, he will be the last one on the list. If no one comes afterwards I feel that would be the ultimate accomplishment, regardless of how may have come before.

Seeing Green

I finished my work week today. I have a full 3 day weekend ahead of me. Just before I left for the day my manager called me in to talk. I thought I would be in trouble when she told me to close the door as I walked in. In actuality she wanted to let me know how proud of me she was. She had high hopes for me, and I am definitely exceeding her expectations. This search I closed my kids at over 40% and had more than 45% of my appointments show up (we aim for something over 30%). Not only will this allow me to make fantastic money at this job, but I will be able to work without being constantly watched and critiqued. Having both managers and the boss on me a few weeks ago was starting to become overwhelming. This is the beginning of a new chapter in my time with the company. As long as I can keep this up things are going to be great for me. I will finally have a job that I like, and that I can keep until my fashion line is successful enough to merit me leaving my job to work for myself full time.

Breaking the Addiction

"Spinning wheels" (Rafi's new name in my phone) text messaged me today. I responded with a one word message. I didn't call him all day. Last night I didn't call him either. He did text me an hour after I would usually call him. I responded in two words. If Rafi doesn't want to accept that I am fed up he will certainly figure it out when I make absolutely no effort to contact him. I also refuse to keep having sex with someone who isn't into me enough to take me out, or call me back. Withholding sex probably won't make him very happy but I could really care less at this point. A few times today I wanted to call him just to talk. I didn't. I realize that I need to commit to my decision. I am used to talking to him so it's hard not to call, but I don't see him picking up the phone either. Truth is, as much as it hurts to admit it, Rafi could really care less about me. I need to stop concerning myself with him. If he decides to change I can see a future, but that is very unlikely to happen any time soon. At this point I just need to keep myself away from him. If I can power through this tough part the rest will be much easier.

Filling the Gap

Provided I make a concerted effort to keep myself busy making Rafi go away will be perfectly fine. Since I like to rename people who annoy me in my phone Rafi has become "Spinning Wheels." No matter what I said to him today he wouldn't let me break up with him. He kept arguing with me. I don't think that he really gets it. Finding someone to take me out is really not a problem. Finding someone who will spend time with me, and call me back is not really a problem. Getting them all in one package is. The plan at this point is to make sure I find as many ways to reconnect with my friends as much as possible. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and keep up with my blogging and whatnot. That way I won't have time to miss the bastard. He also won't really be able to make plans with me since I will be so busy. I guess we will have to see how he likes it when the tables are turned.

The Final Blow

Rafi is cooked. Baked. Fried. Eaten for breakfast. He woke me up at 6am to talk. It was his impression that I would be available to see him before work. I was in no way thinking that I would get up for this bastard at 6am and drive over to his house to service him before he went to work. For the entirety of the relationship I have been last on his list of priorities. He has been much higher on mine. Knowing that someone who you are interested in is barely concerned with your existence is much like being in high school and having a crush on the most popular boy when you are considered a geek. Needless to say choosing to go through that emotionally again has been very trying. I am finished with the situation. As attracted as I am to him, Rafi is clearly not able to give me what I need and I have to accept that. There must be someone out there for me, but he is just not it. At this point in my life I am really looking for a relationship. I have been casually dating for so long now that I feel I need to really build something rather than just spinning my wheels (and racking up notches on my bedpost).

Cashing In

A note about my job: I think I finally get it. This pay check I finally made enough to make ends meet. Just barely is okay for me at this point. This last weekend was actually a worthwhile talent search, and I should come out with enough to really make some money now. This weekend with be my first 3 day weekend that is not Passover as well. Perhaps the strenuous schedule of working on back-to-back searches and the mediocre pay was getting to me. Things have begun to start looking up. I may not be going elsewhere so soon.

End of the Rope

I have reached the end of my rope with Rafi. I cannot (after almost 6 weeks of dating him) get him to care enough to make real time for me. Every evening he is either busy, tired, or more into spending alone time than having me over. Most of the time I can barely get him to answer the phone in the evenings when I call. I have yet to be taken on a real date. I know that it's only downhill from here. Never have I been in a situation where a guy put in such little effort. Even Mike got off his butt more than Rafi! I am fed up. If he had given me half of the time that he allots for Debbie I wouldn't be complaining. My best female friend told me that the beginnings of relationships should be the most fun. They are full of excitement, dates, and moments together building something. I don't feel like that is terribly consistent with Rafi. I cannot force him to pay attention to me, nor have I really encountered this problem before. Mike lived and hour and a half away as well as had a toddler to care for. I can understand him being busy. Rafi lives 10 minutes from me and lives alone. I have to pull the plug. This is seriously going nowhere.

Exit Strategy

Jerry has effectively phased himself out of my life. I sensed he was getting too involved with me (even though all we could ever do was talk on the phone). What I attempted to do is bring a small dose of reality to him. I explained that until it was possible for us to date face to face friends was the only option open to me. Unfortunately that was unacceptable to Jerry. He started imagining me running about with random guys and hooking up with them all the time. Considering that is not the case it is apparent that Jerry had gotten in too deep with me. His head ran away with him. His response was to thank me for my honesty and then cease to call me. I chatted with him on IM last night for a bit. He told me that there is no way we can stay in contact because it hurts him too much to know that I am not his while he has been so invested in me. Even during our chat he abruptly stopped talking and said "I can't do this. Have a nice life." In an attempt to push things along too fast for me, Jerry effectively never gave himself a shot.

Apply a Coat of Perfect

No matter what I do I cannot seem to get it right. I wind up with a guy who is great emotionally, but cannot function in the working world (Chuck). I wind up with a guy who is creative and sexually compatible, but cannot follow through (Sam). I wind up with a guy who is everything that I would want in a man, but he lives across the universe (Jerry). Now I am with a guy who is great when I am with him, but is unable to make time for me (Rafi). I don't know anymore when to cut my losses. I am in a virtual headlock with Rafi. I feel like he doesn't give me the amount of attention I need, but he is definitely the type of person I am looking to wind up with in all other facets. He is creative. He is open emotionally. He is good in bed. He is spiritual. So how is it that I don't seem to find someone who is right on all points. Is perfect truly too much to ask for? Maybe I did something in a former life to deserve this...

Crumbs

Rafi pretty much gave me an ultimatum today. I am Jewish and in the mid-range of the conservative religious sect. I don't eat pork or seafood, but I do eat at non-kosher restaraunts. Rafi, however, is pretty religious and plans on becoming more religious in his life. Right now it's Passover, and all the crumbs are supposed to be cleaned from the house, car, and other personal spaces for the holiday. While doing him a favor, and fixing his jeans I was talking to Rafi in front of my car when he noticed that I had not been able to vacuum it. I did make sure I had removed all the food from the car, but Rafi was very disturbed that I had not finished the job. Also, since I do not fully observe the sabbath he is now completely unsure that we have the faintest future together. My entire life I have been very worried that I would not be able to find someone who loves me for who I am, and accepts my religious views. Ideally I would be able to marry a Jew who shares my religious identity and would give our kids a Jewish education. Now I am with a Jew who finally qualifies and he is telling me there is no future for us. More than anything I am frustrated. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to get more attached to someone who would never be with me. That will only cause me to really be opening myself up for heartbreak. I cannot, at this point in my life, adopt all the religious things I would like for my family life. I have to make sure that I can make my ends meet and live my life. If Rafi doesn't have the patience to wait for me to adopt the things he wants for his life then he will be right, and there will be no future with us.

Almost

For about 10 minutes today I was absolutely sure I was going to quit my job. My boss has been on me all this week to book appointments when last week I was pulled out of my area to train on closing students. I didn't have the same amount of time as the others to make the numbers yet expected to perform the same as they do. My manager has been under pressure from her boss, the owner of the company, to make really high numbers for this coming search. I told her today that I need a balance here in terms of my numbers with my time allowed to book them. If I cannot be given the same number of hours to book appointments I cannot be expected to have the same number of appointments. The two are related. No one can deny that. She started to get defensive and told me I should just walk if I was going to talk that way. She could find plenty of other people to fill the position. I almost did. She felt that I would call her bluff I think, so she quickly changed her tune. She understands my frustration and she is going to help me pull up my numbers (how? I dunno). In the end today was not so bad. I will be looking for more appealing jobs in the meantime, but I won't leave unless something else comes along.

Busted

My car is broken. I have a leak in my coolant and it won't be cheap to fix. The last version of this car was the one I crashed in. Since I was relatively unharmed I bought another one. This one is a year younger and with way less miles. Unfortunately I have had more work done on this one than I ever did on the other. The brakes have been replaced. A small sensor that controls the air circulation for the engine shorted. I hit a curb really hard and had to replace the whole joint by the wheel on that side. Now I have a compromised seal in my thermostat casing. I feel like this car is making up for the good price I got it for by breaking and causing me to pay to fix it all the time. Not to mention that I have to wake up at 8am in order to get it to the shop to repair it. Grrrrr.

Dishwater

Today I changed something that has stayed the same for almost 4 years...my hair color. I always use the lightest shade of natural blonde there is after I bleach my hair from its natural version of dishwater blonde. For some reason when I went to go by color I decided on a whim to go 2 shades darker. I have been getting used to the new hue for the past 2 hours. I think I may like it, but I am not sure. There is definitely less of a contrast from my face, and I don't know if it's a matter of not being used to it, or if I may have made a wrong decision. Either way, hair grows. It is definitely not permanent. I can lighten it up very easily. I will have to update this post as I decide.

Now that the color has faded to something a bit less drastic I have to say I quite like the more subtle blonde. Even Rafi likes it, and he does not deal well with change.

A&R

Allen and Rafi are rivals. Aside from Allen calling me entirely too frequently for my liking I had no complaints about him. I wasn't very attracted to him, and after I had some space I realized that Allen and I were completely incompatible. Rafi and I, however, are so compatible it's scary. I have now been able to find the patterns that allow me to anticipate (for myself) when Rafi is going to forget to call me or be unable to hang out. I don't listen to what he says completely because I know what to expect which makes me less reactive when something happens. Physically and emotionally, though, we are very good for each other. He is a really caring person, and makes me want to be a more positive individual. Allen, on the other hand, is turning out to be very scheming. I was talking with him today for a short period of time and he kept fishing for information about myself and Rafi. I never said a word to him about having any kind of connection with him. Rafi later said that he told Allen this weekend that we were together, so Allen was fact checking in a round-about way. As far as I'm concerned it's best to come right out with something rather than trying to play Sherlock Holmes. Regardless of Rafi's importance, Allen didn't stand a chance. Perhaps he will think of this as an excuse as to why he is not with me. Truth is he just shouldn't be with me. Rafi, however, felt that my involvement with Allen indicated that he was the last on my list. He felt like I didn't really value him when, if anything, I was too into him so I didn't want to jump the gun and screw things up. Because it's still a new, budding relationship I don't want to get too emotionally invested before I really have time together with Rafi (we haven't gone on a proper date yet!). Deep down, though, I know he is going to be a very noteworthy person in my life.

The Compilation

Sam called me from "the lab" the other day wanting to know how to spell ylang-ylang. It was the scent of the oil I massaged him with when we were together. Seems he is writing about me in a song. I will have to find out the lyrics and post them. Chuck, as well, has a few songs written about me. His style is more rock and roll, and he is not nearly accomplished enough in the music scene to have a very wide distribution, but Sam is kind of a big deal among Chicago hip hop artists. The last time anyone wrote a song about me it was my boyfriend in high school. Perhaps I will have to make a mix tape or something.

Females

I don't understand women. The most petty things will make us go insane. I can say that I am guilty of some very standard female downfalls, but I have little patience for those that get all worked up over very little. My best (female) friend has been somewhat missing as of late since her boyfriend is more important to her than I am. Now, since I didn't call her on the day of her birthday, and sent her a text message instead (I cannot call from 2-9pm when I am at work, but I can text message) she is really upset. At 9pm when I finished work on her birthday I didn't call her since I knew she would be with her boyfriend. Whenever I got upset that she is never available she told me I cannot be mad at her. She is busy and that is all. Now she is doing the same thing that she stood against except instead of her being second to her boyfriend, she is coming second to my work schedule. Since she elects to spend time with the beau, and I must go to work, there is little comparison between the two. At this point I feel that I may have to count her as the third female friend to bite the dust. The first let me with a bad taste after an accusatory email sent within 24 hours of my devastating car accident, the second was left behind when she decided that stealing my belongings was a better way to communicate her anger than talking, and now this one will fall away because she feels she can be unreliable with me yet I cannot be allowed the same behavior. My male friends have never had any issues with me that they could not talk to me about. Also, the tiny mishaps that occur in life are not earth shattering to them. I guess I am too much of a logical thinker to really understand females. Funny enough that I grew up in a house ruled mostly by women. I suppose I have to become more choosy when it comes to girlfriends.

Glands

I think I am getting sick. The stress of work has gotten semi-unbearable. My glands in my throat have been swollen for a few days and they just keep getting worse. I really cannot afford to be sick. My manager realized that I am getting very frustrated, and gave me a bunch of appointments the hourly-paid appointment setters have made for this Sunday. It is nice to know that someone is going to look out for me when things aren't going well. I am still fairly worried about my potential future with the company, but if I can get a good bonus check this month I can have something to cover myself in case the money is not consistent. With commission only work the money is rarely consistent. Now all I have to do is keep my energy up until Sunday so I can rock this out.

Inverse Proportions

I am beginning to feel that my job is full of false hopes. There have been a few days where I have made twice the normal number of calls and have less than normal numbers to show for it. At first I thought that it was just an off day, but now I have experienced this with different regions in the Midwest. It will be very hard for me to keep up my spirits while all of the hours I am logging with the company are not being shown in my paycheck. For the first 2 months I have a salary guarantee, but I am fearful that after the guarantee is over I will be in financial trouble. Money makes me crazy, and I will leave a job that doesn't have the earning potential equal to the effort required. Funny how hopeful I was at the start, and now I am back in reality.

Spring Ahead

I do think that I like my job. I hope that I am able to make sure that the money comes in from it without expending so much effort that I burn myself out. For me the amount of money I earn must be more than I consider to be the effort I put into my work. If I have to work my butt off for a meager paycheck I burn out very quickly. Work is definitely not my life. When my life suffers for my work I tend to go looking for something else. The only exception to the rule is my business. I love my line so much that I would work at it all day every day as long as I can make enough to live comfortably. The satisfaction of having something that is completely your own is what makes it hard for me to do anything else. There is always a certain facade that is put up in order for a person to represent something that doesn't belong to him. Because there are so many opportunities for us to build this business over the spring season, and since I have yet to get a great paycheck from the (still) new job it becomes hard for me to concentrate on what is going on at the office. At the same time I know that I have the ability to make quite a lot of money if I apply myself to the task at hand. I hope and pray, though, that eventually the only task at hand will be running my line. Patience has never been my strong suit, though. It better come quickly.

The Inside Out

Being the child of a social worker makes me a virtual open book. As I have gotten older I have become less of a loose cannon, but sometimes others will still view me that way. Last night Rafi and I were supposed to see each other, but when I called at 9 he didn't answer. At 10:30 when he picked up it turns out he fell asleep. He said he would call me once he took a shower. I knew not to believe him. This morning when he went to work at 8am he called me. I was still sleeping and didn't pick up. He text messaged me with "miss u sleepy girl." Why make a comment about me being sleepy at 8am when you slept through our date last night? I talked to him when I woke up. I told him at least I am asleep on my own time when he is at work. He says that he cannot help the way he is. I told him that being unreliable is probably one of my top 5 pet peeves. He cannot expect me to be okay with us seeing each other less than half the time that we actually make plans. To anyone else this looks like lack of interest. It is not such a strange reaction. I told him that I can work on being more easy going but he has got to work on being more consistent. It has to go both ways. Otherwise I will max out my patience and he will be left wondering why I started dating someone else. Guys always say they want to know what is going on inside the heads of women. I show exactly what I'm thinking, and he still finds no relief in it. Now he just wants me to think what is convenient for him. Too bad. That is not the name of the game here. We are dating not playing Simon says.

The Best of the Best?

I am beginning to think that my best female friend is a bit more selfish than I expected. She has been ditching me and other girlfriends of hers for her boyfriend ever since they got together a few months ago. Now that our schedules are not in sync she becomes very distant and barely calls. One of her coworkers has become her new sidekick, and I believe that I am being phased out slowly. Unfortunately, since I now work on Sundays I could not wait until 1am when she decided to arrive at Crobar last night for her birthday. On less than 6 hours of sleep I simply cannot function during talent searches, so while I made the effort to come out and see her on her birthday there was little I could do when she arrived so late. Now I am getting the silent treatment. Ironically when I first met her I found her to be very mature. Lately I am beginning to see that her maturity is only an outward appearance. When I was getting out of my gynecologist appointment after getting cryo she promised to stay with me. My best guy friend came with me to the appointment, and also drove downtown afterwards to pick her up. Once we got back to the house she promptly left because "she promised her boyfriend's roommate that she would take his girlfriend to get her eyebrows waxed." I have never felt so annoyed in my life. My "best friend" is ditching me post-op because she is taking some girl she doesn't even like to get her eyebrows waxed just because he is a friend of her boyfriend? Seriously? How ridiculous is that? Since then it's kind of been downhill. I don't feel like she is capable of putting in the effort necessary to maintain a friendship with me. It is more convenient for her to replace me with someone else. I guess I can see now why I get along with men so much better. They don't have the same silly indulgences that girls do. It's exceptionally frustrating after having lost my last female friends due to their emotional immaturity. I can say for certain that I have no patience for people who don't correctly tend to the important things in life. At least this situation is coming to light at a time when I am not in an extraordinarily stressful place. I feel better equipped to deal with the stress.

Sleepover

Score one for Rafi (though not literally...yet). Last night after not hearing from his sister by the afternoon said that he definitely wanted see me Friday night. I was relieved to know that Rafi is capable of following through sometimes. Last night was really nice. We ate dinner, talked, and cuddled. Rafi, in person, is very sweet. He has a touch that incorporates the sparks of sex but is still rooted in tenderness. The combination of those things is hard to find, and very attractive. I love his body. He is lean, muscular, and very proportionate (no chicken legs!). He is in love with my body. He loves my face, my curves, my butt. As long as we can find the time to spend time together I feel like Rafi could actually have (real) boyfriend potential.

Ima Do Me

Finally I am given the chance to assert myself with Rafi. Last night he was back and forth about whether or not I might come over after he finished some stuff (with Debbie) last night. I figured it would be too late for him so I went out. He never called. No surprise. I stayed out and had a blast until 3am. Tonight I have a few different things going on, but Rafi may want to see me. I told him he needs to let me know if we have actual plans or else I'm going to make plans. Tomorrow night I will be busy with my best friend's birthday on top of another party and dinner with an old client of mine. Considering I have to be back early enough to get to the talent search on Sunday, I have my night cut out for me. Rafi has no chance to see me if he refuses to commit to plans tonight. I told him what I have going on, so he knows that it's either tonight or next week. A lot will be revealed in how he chooses to play this one.

Green

Thankfully I think I may be making some real money now. The job is starting to get a little easier for me. The possibility that I have the ability to enjoy my work as well as get my silly self out of credit card debt. The best part about this situation is that I get enough per pay period to actually make my ends meet, then I get a bonus at the end of the month at a certain level. Since the bonus is at the end of the month I can actually save money instead of spending it. Yay!

Putting Out the Flames

Rafi came over yesterday for an hour before I left for work. He wanted to see me and make sure that I was really okay after the conversation the night before. I was okay, really. I decided that I was giving Rafi too much credit, and I put him back where all guys start. He has to prove himself just like everyone else. I keep myself back, letting him call me when he wants, letting him see me when he wants, and if that is not enough to satisfy me I move on. When Rafi was over he was saying that sometimes he is known to be absent minded. If that is true then I think things will be okay because, with time, I will learn to accept that about him. No one is perfect, but as long as he is not the type to exclude me from his life I can deal with this fault of his. He will have to put up with quite a few of mine as well. Still, I will have to see what happens. Hopefully there will be time for me to see him for more than 2 hours this weekend. I have Friday and Saturday off. Somewhere in that time period I expect that Rafi will find time to see me. If not it will not bode well for our future together.

Reeling It In

I talked to Rafi this morning. He avoided talking about last night, but kept asking how I was. I told him I was fine and avoided the topic as well. It will go like this: Rafi is going to go about doing whatever he wants to do, but if that doesn't result in me feeling secure then I will find it somewhere else. I cannot compete with Debbie. I refuse to put someone first who I come secondary to. With the way that he talked I gave him too much credit. I put my trust in him before he deserved it. Now I know what I'm dealing with. I will not ask to see him. I will not call him back if he forgets to call me. If he consistently falls down on following through he will be gone. It's that simple. Just like all the others.

They All Say Things You Wanna Hear

When I called Rafi this evening he said he would call back in 10 minutes. Almost an hour later I heard from him. After a few minutes of conversation he said he would call back in a half hour. An hour and a half later I called him. He had been chatting with Debbie on messenger and forgot. Last night he fell asleep and didn't call back either. I just can't stand to compete with Debbie for Rafi's time and affection. When I called him I confronted him. I told him that I didn't know how it was going to work. He didn't have any time open for me and I had no place in his life. He replied that he was busy with things all day and that all he wanted to see when he got home at night was his bed. Ironically he was out at Debbie's late last night when she needed something though he was too tired to talk to me. Today he wasn't looking at his bed but chatting online with Debbie instead of calling me back like he said he would. Even in the beginning when the thrill and the novelty are still there I cannot capture his attention. He decided that he didn't want to discuss this, so he told me to end the conversation. He will talk to me tomorrow. I think I might be done with Rafi. Funny how something that looked so promising would decline so quickly. I feel a little insane dealing with this in a semi-unreasonable fashion, but I don't really think that the good feeling I have with Rafi is going to negate all of the pressure of having to push him into spending time with me, and knowing that I don't even rank on his priorities. It may be better for me to just cut my losses now instead of getting entwined with him further when the inevitable comes. For all the things he says when I am with him. How much he wants to be with me. How special I am. I don't feel that way now. Rafi is all talk.

Tick Tock

Number one pet peeve: Not following through. Rafi likes to act like we will spend all sorts of time together, but in all actuality that is not really the case. I saw him Friday night, and then for a few hours on Monday morning. Last night he fell asleep instead of calling me back, and tonight is likely to end the same way. I thought I would see him tonight for a while, but I hardly think that will happen. If this is something I was prepared for I think I wouldn't be so reactive, but I didn't expect this at all. Allen came home today from his trip to Europe. I told him flat out that there was no romantic future for us (and that stands regardless of Rafi). Then this afternoon I was chatting online with Sam who informed me that he was "the one" for me. I must be too clueless to notice this considering that Sam is, by far, more inconsistent than Rafi ever could be. Not to mention that he is much farther from me geographically as well as in life. While Rafi is near, he is still far. His best friend is this 40 year old woman, Debbie, who is his boss's assistant. They spend a lot of time together, and I worry that Debbie will ultimately be the reason that I cannot get close to Rafi. While one of my best friends in this world is, in fact, a male I can say securely that he is not at all competitive with my boyfriends, and visa versa. Rafi sees Debbie almost every day, and spends long hours with her. If she wasn't so much older and as unattractive as she is I would think that the romantic intentions were mutual. While I know Rafi thinks of her in non-sexual terms, I wonder how important I can become to someone who already is so close to another. It bothers me that I will have to wait at the back of the line for my chance. It seems I will just have to wait and see if something changes before I become too frustrated with this issue.

Good Morning

Friday night went well. I finally saw Rafi face to face. We spent a long time talking and then ended by finally kissing at the end of the night (or, the last hour of the night, that is). The next morning I left for the out of town talent search (which took up all weekend). I was looking forward to seeing Rafi last night when I returned, but he was tied up with a friend of his who was sick. He was very worried about her, and I can't fault him for being a good friend. This morning at 9:30am I got a call. Too tired to answer I silenced it. When I woke up 30 minutes later I realized it was Rafi. He wanted to know why it was that he was in bed and I wasn't there with him. Since I didn't have to be at work until 2pm I decided to oblige him. I packed up my outfit and makeup, and headed over in my pajamas. Rafi and I had a fantastic morning. It's quite nice to be with someone who is as sensual as Chuck was, but who has his life together. Rafi is neat, clean, employed, and educated. While he is capable of being very sweet and caring there is some fire in him that is especially enticing. Sexually I feel like we are going to be very compatible. Rafi will have to wait to find out how compatible we may be for a week or so, but I think that it will be worth the wait. I have a sneaking suspicion that Rafi may be in my life for quite a while. He makes me feel really good when I am near him.

Score 1 For The New Girl

Yesterday I found my phone ringing the whole time I was at work. Some private number kept calling my phone and not leaving a message. Finally, after work, I picked up when it popped up again. I happened to have been on the other line with Rafi. The woman on the line said she wanted to warn me about the guy I was seeing. Honestly I had no idea who she was referring to. Rafi and I had only spoken on the phone for a few days and had not yet been face to face for months. If I thought she was referring to anyone, I figured it was Allen. She said she was talking about Rafi, and that he had STDs, he was probably having unprotected sex with me, he is a player, and all sorts of strange accusations. Immediately I knew she was absolutely nuts. I have not even had the chance to think about having sex with Rafi, and I have yet to see if we are actually compatible. To get a hold of my number she would have to be able to access his phone, and Rafi's phone is the only thing that would reveal that he and I have been in contact. We certainly have not been seen out together. I called Rafi later on. I told him what happened. Apparently this woman is almost 40 years old and was a sexual partner of Rafi's almost a year ago. He made it clear from the start that he was not looking for a relationship, but she fell for him after a while. He realized that she was getting attached and asked her for space. She immediately started hacking into his phone records and calling all the numbers. Every woman that answered she would start with the onslaught of accusations. 3 women he dated before me received calls before the first date. Rafi set protected passwords, eliminated online access, and even changed his phone company, but it has done nothing. He even had a lawyer threaten her with legal action. I feel that there is very little about the situation that I can blame Rafi for. Crazy women are crazy on their own, and I am a fairly unflappable person. As far as Ilana is concerned (I know her name now), I can just answer the phone with "Ilana, every time you call me I am filing a police report. This is illegal." That should be enough of her. Rafi offered to tell me everything, and I told him that I think I have had enough of Ilana's fixation on him. I would rather spend time getting to know him than find out about her. Perhaps when we have gotten bored of each other Rafi can re-hash every detail...but I don't see that happening