Ah-Hah!

I think I found it! I may actually have a job that gives me the freedom to model and work on my own business, plus the money and health insurance I need to maintain a comfortable existence! I don't want to jinx it, though...I have my second interview on Monday. I will elaborate on the wonderful-ness of this once I am secure that I have the job. Wish me luck!

Torn

There are two ways I could go at this point: Either I can find something I like to do, that makes me more than enough money, and takes up a lot of my time; or I could find a job waiting tables
or something else to get by and use my oodles of free time to push the fashion line and model. Because I am still young I feel that I have the energy it takes to devote myself to the business and build it. I don't have to answer for myself waiting tables now like I will have to went I am older. Most 20 somethings don't even know what they want to be when they grow up. On the other hand, if I take the full time job route I will wind up being able to save money and pay off some debts which will let me relax financially as well as have some extra cash to devote to the business. I am literally stuck in the middle. My friends are too. I tend to be the type who is very concerned with my finances so waiting tables to make ends meet will stress me out. I like to know that I have a paycheck and that it is enough to pay for everything. On the other hand, when I am employed 40 hours a week, I cannot devote the time to one thing that truly makes me happy, which is the fashion line. It's a catch 22. I guess I will have to pursue both routes and whichever one works out first, wins.

Chuch Sucks

I have never wanted to hit someone so badly in my life. Chuck knew from the start of the relationship that I am an ambitious girl. It is necessary for me to be with someone who is at least my equal or better than me; someone more intelligent, more ambitious, more educated. Chuck is less intelligent, less ambitious, and less educated. When I met him he was working in the warehouse as a someone who packs shipments. He is smart, but intelligence is about thinking through a situation in its entirety and anticipating problems ahead of time. When Chuck's car broke down he didn't know what to do. To pay for the towing of the car he used almost all the cash he had. He couldn't pay for his cell phone as a result, and has been without one since. He also couldn't get to work without a car. Most of the time he managed to get a ride, but it was never consistent. When a co-worker who lives near him said she would take him, he never got her phone number in case he needed to call her. He would call off a lot because he couldn't call her to take him to work. Last Friday he was fired for inability to show up to work. I don't blame his manager for the decision. Chuck was not at work enough to be an asset to the team. Now he is faced with having to find a new job yet he has no phone number for a prospective employer to call for an interview. He says he has a resume, but his sister is the one with the document, and he cannot get a hold of her, nor does he have Internet access to retrieve his resume. He has no car, no phone, no resume, and he will not start looking for work until he does. I feel like I am babysitting my boyfriend. I promised myself a long time ago not to be "mommy" to guys. I think I may be in that spot right now with Chuck, and it sucks. At the same time, he is my boyfriend and he is down on his luck, so leaving him would be really cruel. I don't know what to do.

Re-emerging

Sam cannot leave me alone, but can't seem to be consistent either. Every time I log into my email he seems to chat with me, but I heard nothing from him for over a month prior. I told him that I had started seeing someone, and he was mad. He started asking lots of questions and I answered him very directly. For some reason, though, he keeps asking me if I will come back to him every time he sees me online. Chuck is fantastic so Sam really has no chance. It is also pretty clear that while Sam may be slightly obsessed with me, nothing about his schedule has changed, so I wouldn't be able to spend any time with him which was the original issue with us. I told him today that we could be friends if he likes, but that he needs to accept my decision to be with Chuck and stop pushing for a romantic connection with us. I feel like I am talking to a small child throwing a tantrum. Considering how cool and calm Sam is a rapper, I really didn't expect this kind of behavior from him. Sometimes it seems that the pleading would be a huge stroke to my ego, but instead it just disgusts me. I hope he stops before I start to despise him.

Within Reach

I won the design contest! I am so excited! I think that this opportunity is going to allow the (very unknown) fashion line to get some press. Perhaps this will not be our big break, but maybe a small break that leads to a bigger break in the future. I sure hope it at least gives me a little bit of clout in the local market. I realize from working at the other company that if I can live through 3 months of inside sales for someone else, I surely can push myself to sell my own clothing to the boutique owners. I should at least give it a shot. Maybe I will facilitate my own big break.

Common Sense

If everyone in this world was riding a bicycle, I would pedaling at a fairly fast speed. I would certainly not be the fastest, or even the one trying the hardest, but I would be ahead of the middle. I need to learn that not everyone "pedals" as fast as I do. Patience may be a virtue, but it is completely necessary for me to have. When others don't think as fast as I do I need to be patient and let them catch up. It would be ridiculous to expect everyone to think in the exact same manner as I do. Lately, my shoulder and neck have started to bother me again (injuries from the car accident), and I have become short-tempered as a result. Mean would not be the appropriate word, but I have become a bit of a nag, especially to Chuck. Sometimes Chuck fails to think through all the details, and lately I have started to nag him about the missing pieces. Last night he and I went to visit his younger sister who no one had seen or heard from in over 2 weeks. He forgot to bring her boyfriend's phone number along with him in case we could not find her at her apartment (and Chuck lives over 45 minutes away, so getting it was not an option). He also never got the phone number for his co-worker who gives him a ride in the morning. When it turned late, and Chuck decided to stay over, there was no way for him to contact his co-worker to let her know she wouldn't need to collect him in the morning. Considering none of these details directly affected me, I should not have reacted. I am not his mother, nor would I like to be associated with anything maternal for Chuck. Part of the problem is just that I need to go see my chiropractor to re-adjust my neck, but I think this pattern of behavior on my part needs to be adjusted as well. There are better ways to spend my energy.

J.O.B

I have the fear that I will become one of those sad looking cocktail waitresses in a while. I cannot seem to find a job that both appeals to me, and that pays what I need to cover my expenses. Creative types have the hardest time because there needs to be a balance between skills and the intangible factors. I am familiar with some graphic design programs but not all, and I have a great technical background but it is all by hand. Then there is the fact that most fashion staff don't get paid very well (though they should). Even if I am what the employer is looking for it's still possible that I will be making no money. Then I will be forced to become a cocktail waitress for no reason other than lack of options. I hope I have better luck the rest of this week in finding something I enjoy. I apply to a minimum of 4 jobs a day. One is bound to click, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

#8 Worst Date

I used to work with this guy who thought he was much smarter than he really was. His name was Nick, and he worked in a neighboring area of the same store. Nick liked women of all types, and was especially fond of those who already had boyfriends. I think that he was so competitive that if he went for a girl who was already attached he felt like he could win her over, and that would stroke his ego on a whole other level. Unfortunately for Nick, I am the perceptive type. I had watched him for a while as he preceded to hit on nearly every young associate at the store. My friend in another department and I would actually tag team him to see how far he would go. When he would call her to see if she would meet him that night she would turn him down. Afterwards she would text message me her excuse. When Nick called me I would give him the very same excuse. He never noticed (Nick was not the brightest crayon in the box...). The two of us would also drop each others names into the conversation so we could watch Nick pretend not to know the other girl. He liked to narrow his eyes and think really hard before being able to recall that he knew either of us. It was especially amusing when one night I actually met Nick for a drink. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend, and was bored enough to agree to go out with him. The entire night Nick talked about himself. He explained his plans to become the greatest trader at the stock exchange, his plan to become rich and retire before 35, and how he was exceptional at soccer. When Nick finally stopped talking he tried to push me into being physical with him. I pushed him away, and he became angry. I confronted him about all the other girls he had gone on dates with, or was trying to take out. He denied everything including the things I knew were true. I went home after telling him how ridiculous I thought he was. I told him that he was a complete moron for thinking I wouldn't notice his behavior considering I work right next to him. I hoped that he would never call me again. He was listed in my phone as "skirtchaser" as of that night. Ironically, my anger must have intrigued him because Nick never seemed to leave me alone after that. I was getting text messages and calls for months afterwards, and even now (over 2 years later) I will still get a wayward text message every 6 months or so. What a stalker! I used to think if I responded to him and told him to leave me alone that he would go away, but after a few failed attempts I have just learned to ignore him completely. Nick definitely wins the award for the most long-term repercussions of all my worst dates.

Busy Bee

Who knew there was so much to do without being employed? I have an action packed schedule for the week. Today I get to meet with my business partner to go over financials (and file our taxes for the year) and fix the website. Tomorrow I am meeting 2 different friends to catch up. Thursday I am making Chuck a really cool t-shirt for Valentine's Day, and then meeting him in the city to see his friend's band play. Friday I have a job interview with a marketing firm downtown that works with fashion and beauty companies (cross your fingers for me!) and then I am going to meet up with the judges of the design contest to try and win this thing for real! I am very excited. Next week I will be shooting a fashion show segment for iVillage too! I think I have come to realize that things happen for a reason, and even though the upheaval is upsetting I have to learn that it's a necessary part of my life. Opportunities come along under strange circumstances for me. Generally speaking, I don't get to walk a straight path to where I am going. There are always bumps along the way. I need to learn to accept them and stop being so worried. I have never been in completely dire circumstances. As tough as things are sometimes I am always able to make it through. Hopefully from this situation something really fantastic happens.

Floating

The most troublesome part of the situation is that nothing is solid. I am overjoyed that I made semi-finals in the design contest, and I am ecstatic about possibly filming another segment for tv, but the good things just add the the limbo I'm in due to my job being shaky. I want to know that I have something I can count on, and at this point I can't say that about anything going on with me. Friday night I was very impatient with Chuck since I was uneasy in general. I told him that he shouldn't take it personally, and that my patience is the first thing to go when I feel uneasy. He seemed to understand, but I still felt badly for my state of mind affecting him. He told me later that if what he saw on Friday was the worst then he is happy. I was suprised. I guess things may not be as bad as I thought. I just hope this week brings some finality to the whole job search and I can rest easy knowing that I will be able to get a steady paycheck (hopefully in something I enjoy doing).

The Quest

Recipe for a perfect job:
2 cups of fulfillment
1 cup of skill development
2 tbsp of friendly coworkers
1 tbsp of excitement
a dash of the unexpected (if desired)

Mix the ingredients together and hope the sum of the parts equals more than enough to cover the expenses. Bake until fully formed.

The job search began today. I could get a management position in retail with very little effort. I was really hoping never to go back into retail. I am starting to realize, however, that the best place for me might really be back in a store. At least I will get to meet people and constantly be challenged and developed. Plus, I can schedule myself off for important meetings for my business as well as modeling opportunities, though it does mean I will need to work weekends. I guess you can't get everything you want.

Bursting Bubbles

The big boss is becoming a seriously large pain in the...(you know where). He has managed to take an opportunity to give his company more web presence and turned it into a way to marginalize my involvement in the company. The big boss has never once turned on his computer to check anything, and has no working knowledge of the internet. Regardless, he truly believes that there is no reason why any amount of time or money should be placed into his company being marketed on the internet. Ironically, my Inc. magazine for this month has a very large section of it dedicated to the amazing power of viral video and blogging for a company's image. For very little cost a company can become more personable and better known in its market. After having a moment of clarity I realized something: The job I am in is something I am being grossly underpaid for, so if my boss cannot come to realization that he has nothing to lose by giving me this project to run with then I have no place there. The money is not enough to keep me coming to work, so if I am being fought on the one project that makes me happy (enough to forget the missing zeros on my paycheck) then I deserve to find something that better fits me (financially and skill-wise). Fortunately enough I have some very exciting things going on with my own line, and I can make the necessary appointments amidst finding myself a better and more fulfilling job. Maybe my pipe-dream of doing what I love and making enough money from it isn't so unattainable after all.

Lights! Camera! Action!

There is nothing like modeling: It is the business of others putting whatever they like on a model and the model making it look good regardless of the reality. Today I was put into a 34DD bra (when I wear a 38D....so my ribs were being crushed for most of the day and the straps were cutting into my shoulders) and 3 pair of panties (since one was too sheer on camera so we had to layer them for opacity). It was the strangest thing I have ever been put in while on the job. The client let us keep the underwear, but I don't really know what to do with it. First of all, everything we wore was white, and I never wear white underwear (nude or colored is the rule). Also, I don't think that anything I was given was actually my size, so I don't see myself wearing it in the future. I feel badly throwing it away. I may just have to donate them to the local Salvation Army or something. Other than the strange underwear situation, the actual taping was pretty cool. The models and I did a little rockettes-style line up and I learned a lot about the process of filming tv. All the other jobs I have done have been in runway and print so tv is a new frontier for me. I feel like the experience was pretty good, now all I need to do is get in the shower and wash off all the full-body makeup...
(Update: The producer liked me enough to want me back for another segment! Cross your fingers for me!)

The Sheets II

Someone once told me that Target is the store "most capable of dropping a C-Note on ya." I have definitely been one of those people who consistenly spends at least $100 per visit. I can get clothing, bedding, food, cosmetics, and office supplies in the same place. This weekend I took Chuck to Target with the specific purpose of making his bed a place worthy of spending as much time as we do in it. He had some very limp pillows on top of a rather firm mattress that had a threadbare sheet on it, and nothing else. There was no mattress cover, no duvet, and no sheets worthy of anything more than a bed in a frat house. It was one of the most uncomfortable night's I've spent. I told Chuck that if he wanted to see me in his bed regularly, we were going to need to improve conditions. He agreed that it might be necessary to upgrade his bedding. We bought a mattress cover (aren't those so much better than feeling the edges of the mattress ticking?), new sheets (that was a bonus), and two new pillows (thank G-d!). I was very excited, and so was Chuck until the clerk anounced his total: $118. Woops! There Target goes, dropping that C-Note again. Fortunately for Chuck, the purchases became priceless when we spent the next 2 nights in them.

When It Rains...

I would have to say that I am on an "upswing" right now. I have found a guy who is more and more amazing to me everyday, my boss has decided to start me in my new position this week, and new opportunities have been coming my way in other facets. I have been a plus-size model on and off since I was 19 years old. Tomorrow I will be given my first chance to be on national television as a model. I am so thankful for the experience and the possible exposure. Unfortunately I will have a whole lot of exposure, since I will be on national television in my underwear...or actually a very well known company's underwear to be exact. The least that will happen is that I will have a new pair of panties, a backstage pass, and an extra paycheck. The most I can hope for is being seen by some corporate marketing manager for Lane Bryant, and being given a contract to model with them that would let me really concentrate on my line as well as have a fabulous day job. I will hope for the latter, though I am fairly sure I will just wind up with the panties and memories. My boyfriend thinks it will be really exciting. I am trying to not be so excited that I get nervous. Usually being in front of a bunch of strangers in your underwear is considered a nightmare, but for me I can only hope it's a dream come true.