Score 1 For The New Girl

Yesterday I found my phone ringing the whole time I was at work. Some private number kept calling my phone and not leaving a message. Finally, after work, I picked up when it popped up again. I happened to have been on the other line with Rafi. The woman on the line said she wanted to warn me about the guy I was seeing. Honestly I had no idea who she was referring to. Rafi and I had only spoken on the phone for a few days and had not yet been face to face for months. If I thought she was referring to anyone, I figured it was Allen. She said she was talking about Rafi, and that he had STDs, he was probably having unprotected sex with me, he is a player, and all sorts of strange accusations. Immediately I knew she was absolutely nuts. I have not even had the chance to think about having sex with Rafi, and I have yet to see if we are actually compatible. To get a hold of my number she would have to be able to access his phone, and Rafi's phone is the only thing that would reveal that he and I have been in contact. We certainly have not been seen out together. I called Rafi later on. I told him what happened. Apparently this woman is almost 40 years old and was a sexual partner of Rafi's almost a year ago. He made it clear from the start that he was not looking for a relationship, but she fell for him after a while. He realized that she was getting attached and asked her for space. She immediately started hacking into his phone records and calling all the numbers. Every woman that answered she would start with the onslaught of accusations. 3 women he dated before me received calls before the first date. Rafi set protected passwords, eliminated online access, and even changed his phone company, but it has done nothing. He even had a lawyer threaten her with legal action. I feel that there is very little about the situation that I can blame Rafi for. Crazy women are crazy on their own, and I am a fairly unflappable person. As far as Ilana is concerned (I know her name now), I can just answer the phone with "Ilana, every time you call me I am filing a police report. This is illegal." That should be enough of her. Rafi offered to tell me everything, and I told him that I think I have had enough of Ilana's fixation on him. I would rather spend time getting to know him than find out about her. Perhaps when we have gotten bored of each other Rafi can re-hash every detail...but I don't see that happening

Tag You're It

Rafi is finally on the same schedule as me. I finally got the chance to talk to him for over 20 minutes. Honestly I think that we will get along just fine. There are lots of similarities between us. Without actually spending time together, though, this is all just theory. I'm crossing my fingers that I get to see Rafi before the week is out. Maybe tonight will work. After so much phone tag I had my doubts if this is even the right time for us, but with this new momentum I would like to see where it can go.

Hurry Up And Wait

Rafi is busy. When I first called him he wasn't available. He called me back when I was busy. Finally I reached him for a few minutes before I arrived to my friend's house for dinner. Initially we were going to get together last night, but it didn't wind up happening. Rafi was out later than expected so I didn't even hear back from him until this afternoon. Unfortunately for Rafi I was at my photo shoot until 4pm. He had lots of things to do this evening which meant that we couldn't hang out tonight. Tomorrow may be open for Rafi but I will be back at the studio for the shoot until 1pm then I go back to the regular job from 2-9pm. Once I get done with that 13 hour day I don't think anyone will want to hang out with me. As impatient as I am it's hard to wait so long for something that I have approached with a certain level of expectation. I am curious to see where this goes, and I don't like having to wait for it. As it stands now I won't know anything until Wednesday night if that even works out...

In The Background

Jerry is disappointed that I am dating. He expected me to actually wait around for him for 2 years in the hopes that we might have sexual chemistry in person. Lots of variables have been left to chance in our relationship. The whole thing didn't start off well, we don't know if there is any sexual chemistry, we haven't spent adequate face time, and we won't be in the same place for at least another 24 months. Jerry wants to disregard all of the variables and hold out for me. I refuse to trust that he is really the one for me without having checked the viability of this relationship. Meanwhile there has been another guy in the background. Rafi is a very attractive guy who has been interested in me for a while. He met me without makeup and in sweats, and is still attracted to me. He is in his 30s, has a good job, and is interested in having actual relationships. We almost went out when I was on the dating website months ago, but the timing was totally off. I called him today. He is interested in going out with me and seeing where it may go. With Rafi I know that I can actually find out how well I get along with him in person. Unlike Jerry, things are not all theoretical, but actual. The prospect of a real decent, employed, attractive, and mature man coming into my life is really exciting to me. I can't say what exactly will happen, but (unfortunately for Jerry) I hope something good develops.

In The Know

I finally told Allen that I didn't think things were really clicking between the two of us. He was not a happy camper, but I'm glad I was able to say it. He leaves for Europe tomorrow, and I think that it will give him a chance to forget about the relationship he thought would blossom between the two of us. Honestly, I am not completely certain that the current environment is not also contributing to my lack of sex drive. Outside of Allen himself I have just started a new job, broken up with the deadbeat boyfriend, and have yet to receive my first paycheck. At this point in time my mind is in a million places at once. I have a photo shoot on Monday to worry about, the uniforms that I still need to sew up, the accompanying press releases, and the new gig too. I want so badly for things to settle down, and I don't have the patience for boys right now. Sam has been attempting to reconnect with me recently, and I don't even feel the least bit excited about him either. Perhaps I am surrounded with lots of sub-par guys or I am just mojo-free at this point. Whatever the cause I know that things won't be developing between me and Allen, or rekindling between Chuck and I.

Mixology

When I went to the party at which I met Allen I had waaaay too much to drink. The last straw was a vodka redbull on top of the consistent vodka tonics I had all night. Usually I don't get hangovers, but that very next morning I had the hangover of a lifetime. It was horrible. I was almost non-functional. For the most part I blamed the vodka redbull. Generally it is responsible for the only times I get drunk instead of buzzed. Last night, however I had on gin and tonic and one vodka tonic later on in the evening. This morning I am slightly woozy. Aside from alcohol dehydrating the body, I think that I may need to just avoid the vodka entirely. Apparently with or without redbull it just doesn't work out well for me the next morning. Weird.

Pressure

There is always a downside. Since my job is commission based it was only a matter of time until I figured out where the pressure was going to be. During the initial learning process people tend to go easy on the new girl in order to allow her to learn. Since I have now completed my first talent search the push from management is now starting to come at me. Essentially what we play is a numbers game. We make appointments for talent searches, only 30-40% of those appointments will be kept, and of the kids that we see only 30-40% of them will actually take the next step and begin classes. My paycheck is determined by how many kids start class at a given time. Right now I have 5-7 students starting class. 3 or so will start later on (so that won't be on this paycheck), and a bunch of kids couldn't afford it, or decided against it. Now that we are on to the next search I am under pressure to book a ton of appointments. This part of the process, i feel, is the hardest. Calling tons of numbers and never knowing who I am talking to is a bit of a strange experience. It is also my least favorite thing to do. I think that eventually I will acclimate and it will all get much easier, but for now I am feeling the burn a bit. Not to mention that I am going into work today when everyone else is off just to try to book a bunch of appointments since I will off on Monday to shoot the homecoming catalogues for my last boss (I started out as his model before I was hired to work in the office). I just want to make sure that this job is something I will be able to stay at. As long as the money is good I can deal with the pressure. Finances make me crazy, so I know that if the money issue becomes stressful for me I won't be able to take the pressure at work. Really, only time will tell.

Outreach

A few days ago Sam decided to call me. This time, however, I couldn't hide behind my boyfriend. I don't have one anymore, so I am left to fend for myself. Last night, though, I stepped into my own pot of boiling water when I texted Mike for no reason whatsoever. Perhaps I feel like distracting myself from Allen and his horrible kissing. Maybe I am just plain bored with men and I feel like stirring the pot. I don't know. Jerry is still running about claiming to be my next husband (way over there in the Virgin Islands and not to return for almost 2 years). I think that Jerry's presence is screwing with me. Since I don't discount the notion of us actually being compatible as a couple I think that I keep myself from really trying to make a relationship work for the long term because I am worried that I will miss out on Jerry when he returns. The problem is that I don't really know if it would work or not between the two of us, so the possibility is holding me down. What I need is to spend some real one on one time with him and develop my impressions from there. Good phone calls do not make a relationship that leads to marriage. Once I get to spend real time with him we will both get to see one another for a more true picture of who we are. Not that a few days will also reveal the warts of the other person, but at least I can stop idealizing Jerry and see him more for who he is. In the meantime I just need to stop getting the drama to surround me again. I should work out more or take a class if I am that bored, not go pushing boys buttons. Don't you think?

Status: Inactive

Allen, aka guy number two, is calling me nonstop. While I should be excited to be pursued this way I find myself strangely repelled by this behavior. Only one thing could be the culprit: I am not attracted to Allen. Physically he is my type. He is tall, broad, with dark hair and a medium complexion (I cannot date blonds even though I am one myself). We have fantastic conversations, but when it comes to anything more than cuddling I am just not interested. Kissing Allen is like making out with my cousin. It just seems wrong. Surely, the fact that he is not the best kisser (thin lips+squashing my face=yikes!) doesn't help things. I would bet that Allen is not so experienced (though he is in his mid-twenties). While some women like to be able to teach their men how to please them I am the type to want them to come equipped beforehand. Besides, I think that I deserve to find someone who is already established career wise, and Allen is working on finishing his college degree. His day job is working as a supervisor in a grocery store (clean up in aisle 4!). The situation at this moment is that I now have to tell him how I feel. I am not in the business of leading people on, though I am sure Allen will not like what I have to say. Truth is, I just can't fake it anymore with him. Sleeping with him is definitely not going to happen, so it's time to come clean. Tonight I will have to spell it out. I have to.

Fingerpainting

I will get positively giddy about one ridiculous thing: eye cream. I am constantly trying new ones out. I will use two (one day, one night) at once. Last week I bought my third eye cream this month. The best I have found is Booth's licorice eye cream. I use it during the day. At night I was using one from Avon that was sort of gelatinous, but the new one I just bought is much better. I was in Nordstrom last Friday and I bought Kiehl's avocado eye cream which is amazing! So now I am tapping away at night with the new eye cream. I realize that it is a little strange for someone to be so excited about eye cream, but at least it means that my eye area will be well cared for. Not to mention that this addiction is tax deductable, since modeling allows me to deduct anything spent on my appearance. Perhaps my profession enables my insanity. Oh well, it will all pay off when I hit 40.

Assumptions

Chuck did not get the memo: I told him that I wanted to take a break, and he is even more pushy to spend time with me. On my way home from my first talent search Chuck announces on the (friend's) phone that he is coming out to see me. Instead of asking if I was up for company he just assumes he can come over. I have been working for over 10 hours today plus driving 1 1/2 hours each way. If there was ever an example of a time where I would be too tired for company, tonight would be the night. Not to mention that I would have to go pick Chuck up from the train and watch for him (since calling him is not an option). It is especially annoying to me since Chuck is devoting all this energy to seeing me and not as much to fixing the situation that originally caused the rift. I think I'm done with Chuck. Every time I speak to him I am very short with him. I have no patience for him at all. Since good boyfriends bring out the best in the other person I would say Chuck is clearly not the guy for me.

The Beginning of the End

Chuck is not keeping up. In fact, I have had enough of the fact that I cannot even attempt to contact him regularly. When we get together it's because I show up when I'm supposed to and I have to stay over at his place 90% of the time. His bed is too firm and his pillows too soft. I wake up with my neck and shoulders so stiff my chiropractor commented that I am taking a turn for the worse (since the car accident my neck and shoulder are really touchy). It's rather irritating to have all the responsibility in the relationship. On top of that I have to pay for nearly everything. Chuck has no phone, no car, no money, and very little motivation to change these things. I find no other way to correct the situation other than leaving it entirely. Unfortunately, Chuck is so "in love" with me that it would crush him to completely opt out, so I had to tell him that we needed a break for a while. He cannot put all the responsibility on me, and until he is able to carry his own half of the relationship we will not be together. What I would rather have done was just made a clean break of it and remained friends, if anything. Nothing is less attractive than a man that cannot provide anything in a relationship. I don't ever want to be in this situation again. Hopefully I am able to ease out of my half-ended relationship without too much drama. In the mean time, boy number two is calling me regularly. I have gone out with him a few times, and he pays every time. He even comes to pick me up even though I am not on the way. While all this is good I can't seam to figure out if I am actually sexually attracted to him. I think I may need to give myself some time before I really get into another relationship. Boy number two leaves next weekend for a trip to Europe, so perhaps that will give me the breathing room I need.

Crazy Women

My friend said to me "show me a sane woman and I will show you world peace." I think women get a bad rap for being overly emotional. Obviously not every woman is the same, but sometimes it seems that way to men. I woke up this morning to a strange text message from this same friend's phone. It read "I found naked pictures taken of you while you were sleeping and I am uploading them to the Internet -K." When I called my friend (who I did used to sleep with when I was single, and who's very insane once-ex and now current girlfriend's name starts with a K) to find out what the deal was he explained that K had stolen his phone and called a bunch of girls she was threatened by. He had to call the cops in order to get his phone back from her since she didn't take her medication (so she is legally crazy) and went on a spree with his phone. I doubt any pictures taken of me with a sub-par phone camera could be all that worthwhile. Besides, I have been on national TV in my underwear so I really don't think there is much of me that the world has not seen. I sleep with the covers on. I know that much. What I find funny is that as apologetic as my friend was he didn't think that this was grounds to break up with her (again). He thought he just needed to make sure she took her pills. So my question really is: If you are a guy who thinks ALL women are crazy, then are you surrounding yourself with nutcases? I think yes.

Sleep

I have always been a bit of a night owl. When I was starting the fashion line I didn't have a set schedule. I would naturally get tired around 2am and wake up about 10am. I never needed an alarm. Now that I am at this new job I have the luxury of keeping this natural rhythm. It is fantastic. I find that being able to sleep makes me a much more amusing person during the day. I have natural effervescence that comes from being well rested. Perhaps it will allow me to do even better at work...

The Un-Boyfriends

Before all the guys that have become staples of this blog, and after my last long term relationship I wound up with 2 "unboyfriends." Both of them were originally from another country, and both lasted for about 3 months. For some reason these guys were completely unable to call me their girlfriend. The title scared them even though I was with each of them exclusively, and we spent consistent time together. The first was in his late twenties. He and I were together for a few months. I would see him at least 2 times a week. Sometimes I would ask him to extend the foreplay in order to let me really warm up before sex. Every once in a while he would forget, and I would have to talk to him about it. After a few months I found myself back in the same discussion with him, but this time things were different. He responded to my request by saying that he recognized what the problem was, but didn't care enough to change. Considering there is no response to a statement like that I promptly got out of bed, got dressed, and quietly walked out of his apartment. After that it was over. He tried consistently to get back with me, but not until 2 months had passed since that last discussion. He wasn't worth another go, honestly. The second of the unboyfriends was quite a bit older than me at 38 years old. He was married for 15 years and had two young girls. Frankly, the fact that he was such an involved dad made him more attractive. When he and I first met it was shortly after the car accident. I didn't think he was attracted to me until a month after the initial meeting when he started flirting with me on another occasion. He practically forced me to go get a drink with him. I felt that if he had seen me at my worst and was still interested, he was worth a go. When I went out with him later on that night I had dressed up and pulled out all the stops. His mouth almost hit the floor when he saw me all "modeled out." We were together for over 2 months when one morning we started talking about eye cream. I have a slight obsession with eye cream and I had started to apply it to his eyes at night when I stayed over. When I told him that there was a noticeable difference now that he had been using it for a couple months he freaked out. I could see the fear in his eyes as he realized that he and I had been seeing each other for that long. After that day I didn't hear from him at all for a while. When he did finally call he barely talked. I told him how upsetting it was for him to be out of contact with me for almost a week. He said that he would have to call me back. That was the last I heard from him. Ironically, a man almost 10 years older than my first unboyfriend would wind up ending the relationship in an equally childish fashion.

Replacement Addiction

I suck. It seems that the instant my relationship is in trouble I wind up with another guy in the picture. It has happened before, and it will happen again. Every time it happens I gain a bit more control over the situation. This time I didn't wind up really doing anything with the replacement guy, but I know exactly why he is in the picture. I was at a party on Thursday night which was mildly entertaining, but my ex-unboyfriend was there (it was a strange relationship). Considering all the drama surrounding Chuck right now, I completely neglected to act like I was in a relationship once a few drinks were in my system. I vaguely remember the night, but I do know that I was extra flirty with this new guy. Saturday night I told him the situation (telling Chuck is completely out of the question). Thankfully he was fine with the whole thing and we were able to get past it and still be friends. I know, however, that the minute I am single he will expect that to change. I honestly don't know if I would actually persue anything with this new guy, even if I was single. Strangely Chuck said that Thursday night he couldn't sleep. He felt worried that he would lose me (which is a just a matter of time at this point). I think he sensed that things are changing rapidly, and the tide is turning against him. Pretty soon my patience will be completely gone, and this other guy is just an indication that it won't be long.

What Not To Do

I learned a lot about what not to do from my old boss. Here are the lessons I learned:
1. Do not give your employees a sub-standard health care policy and enroll yourself in a better one.
2. While the bottom line is always considered, underpaying employees hurts their productivity.
3. It is important to show up to the office regularly when you are the boss.
4. Embrace change and innovation: What worked for building the company is not necessarily the same thing that will keep it going in the future.
5. Let employees work in areas they are passionate about.
6. Delegate authority and responsibility: Trust the people to do the jobs they were hired for.
7. Set realistic expectations.
8. Advertising is necessary to building a brand image so don't skimp out on it.
Hopefully I will be given the chance to implement these lessons when my company gets big enough to have employees. I think treating others like I would like to be treated is important. Fair pay and giving employees adequate health care and vacation is something that will make people feel like they are valued. Looking back on my old job I can honestly say that I felt like I didn't matter. Most of that sentiment came from my boss constantly making his employees feel like 2nd class citizens. My new job is the complete opposite. My boss is very empowering, sets realistic goals, and leaves her door open to new suggestions. In addition I will be paid roughly double for less stressful work, and given adequate health care as well as dental coverage (my old boss thought dental care was unnecessary). Thankfully I found this fantastic opportunity, and learned from my past experience.

Dialing Out

I started the new gig yesterday. I really like my manager. She is a very upbeat person, and gives great feedback. For now I am on the phone a lot. Staring at cubicle walls is not my favorite thing, but I will be out with the clients every week (for the first month, then every other week afterward). The schedule is probably the most fantastic thing about the job. I have mornings free to take meetings for my own business, and one weekday off to take care of errands. I also get out in the late evening, so going out during the week is not off limits (love it!). The only problem is that all this new freedom is making it increasingly hard for me to be patient with Chuck. Last night we were talking on the phone (his roommate's phone to be exact), and he mentioned that he really needs a job. He said that he feels like he is trying so hard, but is getting shot down constantly. Knowing that he is barely trying considering he has never applied to the many openings in the city, but goes to the tiny restaurants in his suburban neighborhood, I told Chuck that he really should try harder. He may find that putting real effort into finding a job actually empowers him. He will also, more likely, find something if he is going to more employers. It took me a few weeks, but I knew that I could be picky, and I still applied to a minimum of 3 positions a day. At this point Chuck will just have to get himself into gear, or I will be speeding past him.

Millionaires

So I have become slightly obsessed with Bravo's show, Millionaire Matchmaker. I think that I would be tempted to join such a dating service (Chicago has Selective Search) if I break up with Chuck. Not that I am looking for a sugar daddy, but most millionaires have gotten to their position by being very driven, smart, and ambitious people. Men with those qualities are the most attractive to me. I also think that dating wealthy men will eliminate the possibility that they will end up jobless and broke like Chuck. At the same time, however, I think I would make a horrible trophy wife. I plan on running my own business. I will not (as some exes can attest to) give up my career for any man. I want kids, and I plan on making sure I spend time with them, but being a homemaker is definitely not in me. So, perhaps if Chuck and I should split up, I would need to really think about the whole "rich boyfriend" thing through thoroughly.

The Rat Race

I want so badly to know what to do here: I don't think that Chuck is going to really be able to step up. He will get a job (something mindless), and in time he will get a cell phone and a car. Meanwhile I will be going ahead with the modeling, the day job (which will make at least 20k more than him a year), and working on making my business something to sneeze at. I just don't see how Chuck will ever be on par with me. As excited as I was to find someone who cares about me, I overlooked all the other pieces that needed to fit into the puzzle. As much as Chuck wants to be a man with a career, he is really just a boy without ambition. Ambition is the most attractive thing to me, so I am quickly losing interest in my boyfriend. As much as I recognize what I need from men it still makes me feel very superficial to want to dump Chuck. I guess I will ride it out until I really make up my mind about what I want to do.

To Blow, or Not to Blow

Oral sex is one of the things that is mostly performed for the pleasure of the other person. I feel like it is a very necessary part of sexual activity. For me, it is one of the only ways that I can reach orgasm. Men that refuse to perform oral sex often are not good sexual matches for me (see all posts on Mike for details). Because I need oral sex often, I know that I must return the favor. Frankly, I like all the little tricks that I have learned. Practice makes perfect, you know. I found out last year, however, that my mouth is about the size of a teenager (my dentist had been giving me the compact head toothbrushes on purpose). Unfortunately for me, that makes it quite painful to linger down there a long time or go very deep. My mouth is simply not sized for that. I have found other ways to make up for my shortcomings, and I do believe that every woman should still go down no matter what kind of "gag reflex" she thinks she has. One of my male friends actually married a woman who won't give head at all. Apparently she has tried in the past, but failed miserably. Now, it seems, he is obsessed with the idea of it. He talks about it constantly. It borders on absurd sometimes. If it was so important to him, why would he commit to a lifetime without it? It would be like me marrying Mike! What a dumb idea! It is really interesting to me to see the kind of effect it has on men when they know they won't get it. They say that prostitutes generally perform oral and anal sex the most since those are the things that men don't get from their wives. Sounds to me that without a little bit of head, men seem to lose theirs...

Moment of Weakness

Last night I had a total girl moment. I needed "closure." There was this guy who I was seeing back when there was a lot of drama going on in my life. Aside from having just been in the car accident I was also having my apartment broken into on a regular basis. It was probably the most physically and emotionally painful part of my entire existence thus far. The guy in question knew what was going on, but I never showed him how very stressed and scared I was. We had been talking extensively on the phone for a few weeks and decided to meet. We met, and things went well. After our first date, though, he stopped calling as much, and then not at all. For some reason, I became a total nutcase on him. I messaged him more than once asking for a reason why, chiding him for running away, and yelling at him for being such a horrible guy. It was stupid of me to show someone, who clearly didn't want to speak to me, my feelings. Why bare your soul to someone who doesn't care? Had I not been under the stress I was I don't think he would have received those messages. So last night, when I accidentally drove through his neighborhood, I was reminded of the craziness. I sent him one last message. I apologized for the previous messages, assured him this was my last contact with him, and that was all. Generally speaking, I am very good about expressing my resentment to my girlfriends rather than the guys (once it's over, only the girl is left looking for answers). Since I was unable to keep it to myself this time, I had to leave one last "girl note" while I was at least in a stable emotional state.

(R)evolution

Since Chuck lost his job (along with his already missing car, phone, and cash) I have been less attracted to him. Women are genetically programmed to find a fit mate for breeding, and I think that is what is happening to me. Chuck is in a very unstable position. He is not secure financially at all, and will not be for a while. I am turned off by him because he is an unfit mate for breeding. Now, the question is, do I wait and see if something changes? Perhaps when he gets a job I will want him more, and things will get better. Breaking up with Chuck now would only be kicking him while he is down. However, it is unfair to me to stay with Chuck when I am clearly not attracted to him. I feel myself pulling away. I just don't know when it is that I should pull the trigger. I will see him tomorrow. Hopefully I will understand better how to deal with this situation. I find it interesting that, in the beginning, I loved that Chuck was so into me, made time for me, and called often. The things that other men were not doing, Chuck was. At this point, however, that is the only thing left. The other men I was dating had steady jobs, cars, cell phones, and a future. What they lacked Chuck had, and what they have Chuck lacks. I guess I can't get it right no matter what.