Filling the Gap

Provided I make a concerted effort to keep myself busy making Rafi go away will be perfectly fine. Since I like to rename people who annoy me in my phone Rafi has become "Spinning Wheels." No matter what I said to him today he wouldn't let me break up with him. He kept arguing with me. I don't think that he really gets it. Finding someone to take me out is really not a problem. Finding someone who will spend time with me, and call me back is not really a problem. Getting them all in one package is. The plan at this point is to make sure I find as many ways to reconnect with my friends as much as possible. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week, and keep up with my blogging and whatnot. That way I won't have time to miss the bastard. He also won't really be able to make plans with me since I will be so busy. I guess we will have to see how he likes it when the tables are turned.

The Final Blow

Rafi is cooked. Baked. Fried. Eaten for breakfast. He woke me up at 6am to talk. It was his impression that I would be available to see him before work. I was in no way thinking that I would get up for this bastard at 6am and drive over to his house to service him before he went to work. For the entirety of the relationship I have been last on his list of priorities. He has been much higher on mine. Knowing that someone who you are interested in is barely concerned with your existence is much like being in high school and having a crush on the most popular boy when you are considered a geek. Needless to say choosing to go through that emotionally again has been very trying. I am finished with the situation. As attracted as I am to him, Rafi is clearly not able to give me what I need and I have to accept that. There must be someone out there for me, but he is just not it. At this point in my life I am really looking for a relationship. I have been casually dating for so long now that I feel I need to really build something rather than just spinning my wheels (and racking up notches on my bedpost).

Cashing In

A note about my job: I think I finally get it. This pay check I finally made enough to make ends meet. Just barely is okay for me at this point. This last weekend was actually a worthwhile talent search, and I should come out with enough to really make some money now. This weekend with be my first 3 day weekend that is not Passover as well. Perhaps the strenuous schedule of working on back-to-back searches and the mediocre pay was getting to me. Things have begun to start looking up. I may not be going elsewhere so soon.

End of the Rope

I have reached the end of my rope with Rafi. I cannot (after almost 6 weeks of dating him) get him to care enough to make real time for me. Every evening he is either busy, tired, or more into spending alone time than having me over. Most of the time I can barely get him to answer the phone in the evenings when I call. I have yet to be taken on a real date. I know that it's only downhill from here. Never have I been in a situation where a guy put in such little effort. Even Mike got off his butt more than Rafi! I am fed up. If he had given me half of the time that he allots for Debbie I wouldn't be complaining. My best female friend told me that the beginnings of relationships should be the most fun. They are full of excitement, dates, and moments together building something. I don't feel like that is terribly consistent with Rafi. I cannot force him to pay attention to me, nor have I really encountered this problem before. Mike lived and hour and a half away as well as had a toddler to care for. I can understand him being busy. Rafi lives 10 minutes from me and lives alone. I have to pull the plug. This is seriously going nowhere.

Exit Strategy

Jerry has effectively phased himself out of my life. I sensed he was getting too involved with me (even though all we could ever do was talk on the phone). What I attempted to do is bring a small dose of reality to him. I explained that until it was possible for us to date face to face friends was the only option open to me. Unfortunately that was unacceptable to Jerry. He started imagining me running about with random guys and hooking up with them all the time. Considering that is not the case it is apparent that Jerry had gotten in too deep with me. His head ran away with him. His response was to thank me for my honesty and then cease to call me. I chatted with him on IM last night for a bit. He told me that there is no way we can stay in contact because it hurts him too much to know that I am not his while he has been so invested in me. Even during our chat he abruptly stopped talking and said "I can't do this. Have a nice life." In an attempt to push things along too fast for me, Jerry effectively never gave himself a shot.

Apply a Coat of Perfect

No matter what I do I cannot seem to get it right. I wind up with a guy who is great emotionally, but cannot function in the working world (Chuck). I wind up with a guy who is creative and sexually compatible, but cannot follow through (Sam). I wind up with a guy who is everything that I would want in a man, but he lives across the universe (Jerry). Now I am with a guy who is great when I am with him, but is unable to make time for me (Rafi). I don't know anymore when to cut my losses. I am in a virtual headlock with Rafi. I feel like he doesn't give me the amount of attention I need, but he is definitely the type of person I am looking to wind up with in all other facets. He is creative. He is open emotionally. He is good in bed. He is spiritual. So how is it that I don't seem to find someone who is right on all points. Is perfect truly too much to ask for? Maybe I did something in a former life to deserve this...

Crumbs

Rafi pretty much gave me an ultimatum today. I am Jewish and in the mid-range of the conservative religious sect. I don't eat pork or seafood, but I do eat at non-kosher restaraunts. Rafi, however, is pretty religious and plans on becoming more religious in his life. Right now it's Passover, and all the crumbs are supposed to be cleaned from the house, car, and other personal spaces for the holiday. While doing him a favor, and fixing his jeans I was talking to Rafi in front of my car when he noticed that I had not been able to vacuum it. I did make sure I had removed all the food from the car, but Rafi was very disturbed that I had not finished the job. Also, since I do not fully observe the sabbath he is now completely unsure that we have the faintest future together. My entire life I have been very worried that I would not be able to find someone who loves me for who I am, and accepts my religious views. Ideally I would be able to marry a Jew who shares my religious identity and would give our kids a Jewish education. Now I am with a Jew who finally qualifies and he is telling me there is no future for us. More than anything I am frustrated. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to get more attached to someone who would never be with me. That will only cause me to really be opening myself up for heartbreak. I cannot, at this point in my life, adopt all the religious things I would like for my family life. I have to make sure that I can make my ends meet and live my life. If Rafi doesn't have the patience to wait for me to adopt the things he wants for his life then he will be right, and there will be no future with us.

Almost

For about 10 minutes today I was absolutely sure I was going to quit my job. My boss has been on me all this week to book appointments when last week I was pulled out of my area to train on closing students. I didn't have the same amount of time as the others to make the numbers yet expected to perform the same as they do. My manager has been under pressure from her boss, the owner of the company, to make really high numbers for this coming search. I told her today that I need a balance here in terms of my numbers with my time allowed to book them. If I cannot be given the same number of hours to book appointments I cannot be expected to have the same number of appointments. The two are related. No one can deny that. She started to get defensive and told me I should just walk if I was going to talk that way. She could find plenty of other people to fill the position. I almost did. She felt that I would call her bluff I think, so she quickly changed her tune. She understands my frustration and she is going to help me pull up my numbers (how? I dunno). In the end today was not so bad. I will be looking for more appealing jobs in the meantime, but I won't leave unless something else comes along.

Busted

My car is broken. I have a leak in my coolant and it won't be cheap to fix. The last version of this car was the one I crashed in. Since I was relatively unharmed I bought another one. This one is a year younger and with way less miles. Unfortunately I have had more work done on this one than I ever did on the other. The brakes have been replaced. A small sensor that controls the air circulation for the engine shorted. I hit a curb really hard and had to replace the whole joint by the wheel on that side. Now I have a compromised seal in my thermostat casing. I feel like this car is making up for the good price I got it for by breaking and causing me to pay to fix it all the time. Not to mention that I have to wake up at 8am in order to get it to the shop to repair it. Grrrrr.

Dishwater

Today I changed something that has stayed the same for almost 4 years...my hair color. I always use the lightest shade of natural blonde there is after I bleach my hair from its natural version of dishwater blonde. For some reason when I went to go by color I decided on a whim to go 2 shades darker. I have been getting used to the new hue for the past 2 hours. I think I may like it, but I am not sure. There is definitely less of a contrast from my face, and I don't know if it's a matter of not being used to it, or if I may have made a wrong decision. Either way, hair grows. It is definitely not permanent. I can lighten it up very easily. I will have to update this post as I decide.

Now that the color has faded to something a bit less drastic I have to say I quite like the more subtle blonde. Even Rafi likes it, and he does not deal well with change.

A&R

Allen and Rafi are rivals. Aside from Allen calling me entirely too frequently for my liking I had no complaints about him. I wasn't very attracted to him, and after I had some space I realized that Allen and I were completely incompatible. Rafi and I, however, are so compatible it's scary. I have now been able to find the patterns that allow me to anticipate (for myself) when Rafi is going to forget to call me or be unable to hang out. I don't listen to what he says completely because I know what to expect which makes me less reactive when something happens. Physically and emotionally, though, we are very good for each other. He is a really caring person, and makes me want to be a more positive individual. Allen, on the other hand, is turning out to be very scheming. I was talking with him today for a short period of time and he kept fishing for information about myself and Rafi. I never said a word to him about having any kind of connection with him. Rafi later said that he told Allen this weekend that we were together, so Allen was fact checking in a round-about way. As far as I'm concerned it's best to come right out with something rather than trying to play Sherlock Holmes. Regardless of Rafi's importance, Allen didn't stand a chance. Perhaps he will think of this as an excuse as to why he is not with me. Truth is he just shouldn't be with me. Rafi, however, felt that my involvement with Allen indicated that he was the last on my list. He felt like I didn't really value him when, if anything, I was too into him so I didn't want to jump the gun and screw things up. Because it's still a new, budding relationship I don't want to get too emotionally invested before I really have time together with Rafi (we haven't gone on a proper date yet!). Deep down, though, I know he is going to be a very noteworthy person in my life.

The Compilation

Sam called me from "the lab" the other day wanting to know how to spell ylang-ylang. It was the scent of the oil I massaged him with when we were together. Seems he is writing about me in a song. I will have to find out the lyrics and post them. Chuck, as well, has a few songs written about me. His style is more rock and roll, and he is not nearly accomplished enough in the music scene to have a very wide distribution, but Sam is kind of a big deal among Chicago hip hop artists. The last time anyone wrote a song about me it was my boyfriend in high school. Perhaps I will have to make a mix tape or something.

Females

I don't understand women. The most petty things will make us go insane. I can say that I am guilty of some very standard female downfalls, but I have little patience for those that get all worked up over very little. My best (female) friend has been somewhat missing as of late since her boyfriend is more important to her than I am. Now, since I didn't call her on the day of her birthday, and sent her a text message instead (I cannot call from 2-9pm when I am at work, but I can text message) she is really upset. At 9pm when I finished work on her birthday I didn't call her since I knew she would be with her boyfriend. Whenever I got upset that she is never available she told me I cannot be mad at her. She is busy and that is all. Now she is doing the same thing that she stood against except instead of her being second to her boyfriend, she is coming second to my work schedule. Since she elects to spend time with the beau, and I must go to work, there is little comparison between the two. At this point I feel that I may have to count her as the third female friend to bite the dust. The first let me with a bad taste after an accusatory email sent within 24 hours of my devastating car accident, the second was left behind when she decided that stealing my belongings was a better way to communicate her anger than talking, and now this one will fall away because she feels she can be unreliable with me yet I cannot be allowed the same behavior. My male friends have never had any issues with me that they could not talk to me about. Also, the tiny mishaps that occur in life are not earth shattering to them. I guess I am too much of a logical thinker to really understand females. Funny enough that I grew up in a house ruled mostly by women. I suppose I have to become more choosy when it comes to girlfriends.

Glands

I think I am getting sick. The stress of work has gotten semi-unbearable. My glands in my throat have been swollen for a few days and they just keep getting worse. I really cannot afford to be sick. My manager realized that I am getting very frustrated, and gave me a bunch of appointments the hourly-paid appointment setters have made for this Sunday. It is nice to know that someone is going to look out for me when things aren't going well. I am still fairly worried about my potential future with the company, but if I can get a good bonus check this month I can have something to cover myself in case the money is not consistent. With commission only work the money is rarely consistent. Now all I have to do is keep my energy up until Sunday so I can rock this out.

Inverse Proportions

I am beginning to feel that my job is full of false hopes. There have been a few days where I have made twice the normal number of calls and have less than normal numbers to show for it. At first I thought that it was just an off day, but now I have experienced this with different regions in the Midwest. It will be very hard for me to keep up my spirits while all of the hours I am logging with the company are not being shown in my paycheck. For the first 2 months I have a salary guarantee, but I am fearful that after the guarantee is over I will be in financial trouble. Money makes me crazy, and I will leave a job that doesn't have the earning potential equal to the effort required. Funny how hopeful I was at the start, and now I am back in reality.

Spring Ahead

I do think that I like my job. I hope that I am able to make sure that the money comes in from it without expending so much effort that I burn myself out. For me the amount of money I earn must be more than I consider to be the effort I put into my work. If I have to work my butt off for a meager paycheck I burn out very quickly. Work is definitely not my life. When my life suffers for my work I tend to go looking for something else. The only exception to the rule is my business. I love my line so much that I would work at it all day every day as long as I can make enough to live comfortably. The satisfaction of having something that is completely your own is what makes it hard for me to do anything else. There is always a certain facade that is put up in order for a person to represent something that doesn't belong to him. Because there are so many opportunities for us to build this business over the spring season, and since I have yet to get a great paycheck from the (still) new job it becomes hard for me to concentrate on what is going on at the office. At the same time I know that I have the ability to make quite a lot of money if I apply myself to the task at hand. I hope and pray, though, that eventually the only task at hand will be running my line. Patience has never been my strong suit, though. It better come quickly.

The Inside Out

Being the child of a social worker makes me a virtual open book. As I have gotten older I have become less of a loose cannon, but sometimes others will still view me that way. Last night Rafi and I were supposed to see each other, but when I called at 9 he didn't answer. At 10:30 when he picked up it turns out he fell asleep. He said he would call me once he took a shower. I knew not to believe him. This morning when he went to work at 8am he called me. I was still sleeping and didn't pick up. He text messaged me with "miss u sleepy girl." Why make a comment about me being sleepy at 8am when you slept through our date last night? I talked to him when I woke up. I told him at least I am asleep on my own time when he is at work. He says that he cannot help the way he is. I told him that being unreliable is probably one of my top 5 pet peeves. He cannot expect me to be okay with us seeing each other less than half the time that we actually make plans. To anyone else this looks like lack of interest. It is not such a strange reaction. I told him that I can work on being more easy going but he has got to work on being more consistent. It has to go both ways. Otherwise I will max out my patience and he will be left wondering why I started dating someone else. Guys always say they want to know what is going on inside the heads of women. I show exactly what I'm thinking, and he still finds no relief in it. Now he just wants me to think what is convenient for him. Too bad. That is not the name of the game here. We are dating not playing Simon says.

The Best of the Best?

I am beginning to think that my best female friend is a bit more selfish than I expected. She has been ditching me and other girlfriends of hers for her boyfriend ever since they got together a few months ago. Now that our schedules are not in sync she becomes very distant and barely calls. One of her coworkers has become her new sidekick, and I believe that I am being phased out slowly. Unfortunately, since I now work on Sundays I could not wait until 1am when she decided to arrive at Crobar last night for her birthday. On less than 6 hours of sleep I simply cannot function during talent searches, so while I made the effort to come out and see her on her birthday there was little I could do when she arrived so late. Now I am getting the silent treatment. Ironically when I first met her I found her to be very mature. Lately I am beginning to see that her maturity is only an outward appearance. When I was getting out of my gynecologist appointment after getting cryo she promised to stay with me. My best guy friend came with me to the appointment, and also drove downtown afterwards to pick her up. Once we got back to the house she promptly left because "she promised her boyfriend's roommate that she would take his girlfriend to get her eyebrows waxed." I have never felt so annoyed in my life. My "best friend" is ditching me post-op because she is taking some girl she doesn't even like to get her eyebrows waxed just because he is a friend of her boyfriend? Seriously? How ridiculous is that? Since then it's kind of been downhill. I don't feel like she is capable of putting in the effort necessary to maintain a friendship with me. It is more convenient for her to replace me with someone else. I guess I can see now why I get along with men so much better. They don't have the same silly indulgences that girls do. It's exceptionally frustrating after having lost my last female friends due to their emotional immaturity. I can say for certain that I have no patience for people who don't correctly tend to the important things in life. At least this situation is coming to light at a time when I am not in an extraordinarily stressful place. I feel better equipped to deal with the stress.

Sleepover

Score one for Rafi (though not literally...yet). Last night after not hearing from his sister by the afternoon said that he definitely wanted see me Friday night. I was relieved to know that Rafi is capable of following through sometimes. Last night was really nice. We ate dinner, talked, and cuddled. Rafi, in person, is very sweet. He has a touch that incorporates the sparks of sex but is still rooted in tenderness. The combination of those things is hard to find, and very attractive. I love his body. He is lean, muscular, and very proportionate (no chicken legs!). He is in love with my body. He loves my face, my curves, my butt. As long as we can find the time to spend time together I feel like Rafi could actually have (real) boyfriend potential.

Ima Do Me

Finally I am given the chance to assert myself with Rafi. Last night he was back and forth about whether or not I might come over after he finished some stuff (with Debbie) last night. I figured it would be too late for him so I went out. He never called. No surprise. I stayed out and had a blast until 3am. Tonight I have a few different things going on, but Rafi may want to see me. I told him he needs to let me know if we have actual plans or else I'm going to make plans. Tomorrow night I will be busy with my best friend's birthday on top of another party and dinner with an old client of mine. Considering I have to be back early enough to get to the talent search on Sunday, I have my night cut out for me. Rafi has no chance to see me if he refuses to commit to plans tonight. I told him what I have going on, so he knows that it's either tonight or next week. A lot will be revealed in how he chooses to play this one.

Green

Thankfully I think I may be making some real money now. The job is starting to get a little easier for me. The possibility that I have the ability to enjoy my work as well as get my silly self out of credit card debt. The best part about this situation is that I get enough per pay period to actually make my ends meet, then I get a bonus at the end of the month at a certain level. Since the bonus is at the end of the month I can actually save money instead of spending it. Yay!

Putting Out the Flames

Rafi came over yesterday for an hour before I left for work. He wanted to see me and make sure that I was really okay after the conversation the night before. I was okay, really. I decided that I was giving Rafi too much credit, and I put him back where all guys start. He has to prove himself just like everyone else. I keep myself back, letting him call me when he wants, letting him see me when he wants, and if that is not enough to satisfy me I move on. When Rafi was over he was saying that sometimes he is known to be absent minded. If that is true then I think things will be okay because, with time, I will learn to accept that about him. No one is perfect, but as long as he is not the type to exclude me from his life I can deal with this fault of his. He will have to put up with quite a few of mine as well. Still, I will have to see what happens. Hopefully there will be time for me to see him for more than 2 hours this weekend. I have Friday and Saturday off. Somewhere in that time period I expect that Rafi will find time to see me. If not it will not bode well for our future together.

Reeling It In

I talked to Rafi this morning. He avoided talking about last night, but kept asking how I was. I told him I was fine and avoided the topic as well. It will go like this: Rafi is going to go about doing whatever he wants to do, but if that doesn't result in me feeling secure then I will find it somewhere else. I cannot compete with Debbie. I refuse to put someone first who I come secondary to. With the way that he talked I gave him too much credit. I put my trust in him before he deserved it. Now I know what I'm dealing with. I will not ask to see him. I will not call him back if he forgets to call me. If he consistently falls down on following through he will be gone. It's that simple. Just like all the others.

They All Say Things You Wanna Hear

When I called Rafi this evening he said he would call back in 10 minutes. Almost an hour later I heard from him. After a few minutes of conversation he said he would call back in a half hour. An hour and a half later I called him. He had been chatting with Debbie on messenger and forgot. Last night he fell asleep and didn't call back either. I just can't stand to compete with Debbie for Rafi's time and affection. When I called him I confronted him. I told him that I didn't know how it was going to work. He didn't have any time open for me and I had no place in his life. He replied that he was busy with things all day and that all he wanted to see when he got home at night was his bed. Ironically he was out at Debbie's late last night when she needed something though he was too tired to talk to me. Today he wasn't looking at his bed but chatting online with Debbie instead of calling me back like he said he would. Even in the beginning when the thrill and the novelty are still there I cannot capture his attention. He decided that he didn't want to discuss this, so he told me to end the conversation. He will talk to me tomorrow. I think I might be done with Rafi. Funny how something that looked so promising would decline so quickly. I feel a little insane dealing with this in a semi-unreasonable fashion, but I don't really think that the good feeling I have with Rafi is going to negate all of the pressure of having to push him into spending time with me, and knowing that I don't even rank on his priorities. It may be better for me to just cut my losses now instead of getting entwined with him further when the inevitable comes. For all the things he says when I am with him. How much he wants to be with me. How special I am. I don't feel that way now. Rafi is all talk.

Tick Tock

Number one pet peeve: Not following through. Rafi likes to act like we will spend all sorts of time together, but in all actuality that is not really the case. I saw him Friday night, and then for a few hours on Monday morning. Last night he fell asleep instead of calling me back, and tonight is likely to end the same way. I thought I would see him tonight for a while, but I hardly think that will happen. If this is something I was prepared for I think I wouldn't be so reactive, but I didn't expect this at all. Allen came home today from his trip to Europe. I told him flat out that there was no romantic future for us (and that stands regardless of Rafi). Then this afternoon I was chatting online with Sam who informed me that he was "the one" for me. I must be too clueless to notice this considering that Sam is, by far, more inconsistent than Rafi ever could be. Not to mention that he is much farther from me geographically as well as in life. While Rafi is near, he is still far. His best friend is this 40 year old woman, Debbie, who is his boss's assistant. They spend a lot of time together, and I worry that Debbie will ultimately be the reason that I cannot get close to Rafi. While one of my best friends in this world is, in fact, a male I can say securely that he is not at all competitive with my boyfriends, and visa versa. Rafi sees Debbie almost every day, and spends long hours with her. If she wasn't so much older and as unattractive as she is I would think that the romantic intentions were mutual. While I know Rafi thinks of her in non-sexual terms, I wonder how important I can become to someone who already is so close to another. It bothers me that I will have to wait at the back of the line for my chance. It seems I will just have to wait and see if something changes before I become too frustrated with this issue.

Good Morning

Friday night went well. I finally saw Rafi face to face. We spent a long time talking and then ended by finally kissing at the end of the night (or, the last hour of the night, that is). The next morning I left for the out of town talent search (which took up all weekend). I was looking forward to seeing Rafi last night when I returned, but he was tied up with a friend of his who was sick. He was very worried about her, and I can't fault him for being a good friend. This morning at 9:30am I got a call. Too tired to answer I silenced it. When I woke up 30 minutes later I realized it was Rafi. He wanted to know why it was that he was in bed and I wasn't there with him. Since I didn't have to be at work until 2pm I decided to oblige him. I packed up my outfit and makeup, and headed over in my pajamas. Rafi and I had a fantastic morning. It's quite nice to be with someone who is as sensual as Chuck was, but who has his life together. Rafi is neat, clean, employed, and educated. While he is capable of being very sweet and caring there is some fire in him that is especially enticing. Sexually I feel like we are going to be very compatible. Rafi will have to wait to find out how compatible we may be for a week or so, but I think that it will be worth the wait. I have a sneaking suspicion that Rafi may be in my life for quite a while. He makes me feel really good when I am near him.