The Backup

I realize that I am entirely too intrigued with human behavior to stay out of trouble. I believe that I would have half the number of men I slept with if I didn't find people so interesting. Today I went where I never should have gone, but something in me had to see what it was about. This guy has been slightly obsessed with me via myspace for almost 8 months. He is a very successful Jewish guy in his mid 30s. He thought I was hot, and he added me as a friend. Apparently, though, he has a girlfriend who has recently given him an ultimatum to propose to her or she will leave him. Given the fact that he is unsure that she is "the one" she has effectively pushed him away. Considering this new development, and that he is still very much attracted to me (or my pictures at least) this guy asked me to lunch. It was not a date, but it definitely was not completely innocent either. Rafi has yet to really commit to me, so my curiosity got the better of me and I joined my cyber-stalker for lunch. While we have very similar personalities, he is definitely not the most physically attractive person I have met. Rafi is tons hotter than him, and I have way more chemistry with Rafi, but I am still intrigued by this strange dynamic. This guy just had to meet me. Because of that I had to meet him. At this point he is very attracted to me, and I am interested to see what he is going to try to do. He lives with his girlfriend, but he is on deadline to propose by August. Since he is planning to opt out, he is of the mind to wait it out until then, and then have her move out. Once that relationship is over he will need at least another 8 months to really rebound fully. He cannot even think to have a relationship with me for another year or so. Still, he is going to have "innocent" lunches with me just to keep me around as a backup. Funny enough, that should give Rafi just enough time to build something real with me. I could wind up in a really deep relationship with someone who (now, after entirely too long) has a level of physical and emotional intimacy with me that no one else has had with me for years. At that point this guy will be ready for something he cannot have. So really, what was the point? No matter what, I will be very curious to see how this will play out.

Still Hanging On

Rafi is still hanging on. He will never return my call at night. I think that I will just have to accept that. Whenever we speak he is much more attentive. We have been able to talk more freely (during the day) now, and I am able to spend time with him pretty frequently. Rafi has one last chance now. Hopefully he uses it wisely.

High Turnover

There is absolutely no way I can stay at my job. Every day is something totally different. Having a job that changes regularly should be considered a plus, but when policies change at a whim with no supporting evidence that the new shift will be more effective, there is more of a "water bed" feeling (which just makes me motion sick). One movement from our manic owner causes her managers to put new pressure and policies into action with no notice. Since they have had almost 50 people quit within the last six months I would say that they are definitely not making their staff happy. While I hate being the person to leave a job without seeing it through, I feel my hands are tied here. Working retail has always been one of the things that I was good at, but was not totally excited about (mostly because of the schedule), and considering that retail is starting to look good again I must absolutely get out of my current gig. I told my manager I was feeling sick yesterday and left an hour early. Today I will call in sick. Tomorrow as well. That way I can catch up on the orders for clothing I have to fill and look for a new job. Thankfully the paychecks I get take forever, so at this point I have all of this month figured out already, and the kids that sign up on Monday will determine my first check of July. The one problem I won't have is waiting for my new job's paycheck without one from my last employer.

Clearing My Head

This last weekend was the last straw on the camel's back. Rafi missed the chance to see me on Friday night because he had been invited to dinner by another family. I had been fighting back and forth with him for the entire week since he was being rather detached. He had failed to follow through consistently on any plans we had made. I was fed up, and decided to stop inconveniencing myself in order to see him. Friday came along, and he didn't have a way to see me. He promised we would see each other on Saturday night. That didn't happen. I didn't even get a phone call until the next morning. Sunday he promised to see me in the evening. I figured it would be early enough we could go to dinner, see a movie, do something outside the house. He decided to go meet up with his piano teacher at the last minute. That was it. I was done with Rafi and his strange list of priorities. I took a long drive to clear my head, so when he finally called at 10:30pm I was absolutely sure that I was ending all of the insanity. He told me that he understood. He said that there were some things he found out about me that kept him from getting close to me. He wouldn't tell me what they were. He wanted to talk in the morning. The next morning we spoke, but Rafi thought that I might no longer be mad, and decided to invite me over to lay in bed with him in the morning. That was definitely not the direction I thought the conversation was going. I told him the only reason that we are talking still was because I felt that he truly wanted to discuss the problems we were having. If that was not the case they we are over, and there is no longer a need to talk at all. He told me that he was told that I have had sex with lots of guys, and that he couldn't be serious with a girl who has been that active in the past. He also heard that I am cheap. I told him I have had sex with a certain number of men (my guess is between 25-30 since I lost my virginity at 17), but that I cannot go back and change anything. If that was a deal breaker for him, then we just needed to end things regardless. I do not have a time machine. As for being cheap, I just started finally making enough money to make my ends meet. If I have any extra money it goes towards paying off my credit cards that were maxed out during the times I didn't have enough in my account to cover things. It is a function of having started my own business, and not working for almost a year and a half. During this conversation Rafi admitted that he misses me a ton. No matter what he finds out about me he can't seem to stop wanting to be with me. I told him that I needed to see action because words such as these have been exchanged before. Things need to change in order for me to feel comfortable. He promised that he would work on it. If last night is any indication, when he told me he would call later that night and failed to, then his words had nothing behind him. I left him a voicemail at 11pm or so that if he was planning to call me after that time I couldn't see it, and he should have a great life. He can live that way all he likes, but I will not be at his side for it. So far I have heard nothing from the man that wakes me up in the morning when he calls. It's almost 10am. I'm pretty sure it's over.

Moving Up

I am finally going to be my own roommate. I figure it's about time since I am halfway through being 25 years old, and I have not lived on my own once. Even though I left the house when I was 17 years old I always had at least one roommate. Twice I have lived with 3 others in the house. I am slightly fearful, and simultaneously excite about the prospect of being the master of my own domain. While talking about it the other night Rafi half-proposed the idea of moving in together. I figured that someone with attachment issues would never want to live with a person they were dating, but I was wrong. Honestly, though, I don't think I would move in with Rafi unless I was engaged to him. There would never be the security there to allow me to feel that I could trust him to keep my happy through an entire lease. Also, I have all of my stuff for sewing and designing coming with me. The idea of being able to work and play whenever I want without having to coordinate or consider anyone else is very exciting to me. I want to find out what that is like. Also, it will be nice to be able to keep things orderly without any silly roommates to mess things up. I have learned a lot about being patient with the laziness and messiness of others. I think it's time to just be responsible for myself.

That Fresh Clean Feeling

Not that I talk about it all that much, but I am a product junkie. I guess the fact that I could never really get into drugs had allowed an opening for me to become way too excited about beauty products. Eye creams are number one for me. Haircare and face products tie for second place. Recently, however, toothpaste has started to become a new interest of mine. I happened upon a shop out in Omaha (of all places) that carried Marvis toothpaste. I bought the tube of jasmine mint flavor, and instantly fell in love. The flavor was amazing, but the frothiness of it (as opposed to the foam of the standard toothpaste) amazed me. Last Friday I happened to go into Merz Apothecary for the first time. It is the most fantastic store in Lincoln Square that carries all sorts of wonderful goodies. I found a toothpaste from India that is reddish colored, and is made with an assortment of Ayurvedic herbs to promote oral health. It tastes a bit like brushing with an herbal muscle rub (there is camphor and menthol in it), but it's quite good. Needless to say, I have found something else to get into. At least it is a good habit to pick up. My dentist will be happy.

All In

Rafi is still around. Actually, since the last post, he has been very good about seeing me and paying attention. I was over at Rafi's twice last week, and even stayed over on Saturday night (so I could drive him to the airport on Sunday). I am not sure that things are really going to go anywhere notable, in fact I think that Rafi is much more religious than I am which will be the end of us. I want to be with someone who has a strong Jewish identity, but someone who is so religious that they cannot be social with non-Jews is not what I want. People are my passion. Anything that seriously impedes that is out of the question. I have been playing around with the idea of going back onto the Internet dating site again. There may be a lot of random people on there, but it's the same way out in the real world. At least this way I can select the ones I am interested in without having to do it face to face. This time, however, I will wait until I am really prepared (and Rafi is fully out of the picture). He is in his mid 30s, but I am still young. There is no real fear that I will turn up an old maid. In fact, I think that my biggest fear is that I will settle for the wrong guy, and much later on I will realize it. As long as that doesn't happen I will be content. All of my classmates from elementary school have seemed to find me on facebook. Lots of them are married. 26 is the age to tie the knot, apparently. I guess I didn't get the memo. Considering that I am just starting to get the business running there is a lot left for me to achieve before I can really say what type of person I will be. Somewhere around 35 I will start to worry about my biological clock. Worse comes to worse I figure I will get a turkey baster and a donation from the local sperm bank.

Double Baked

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I should have let Rafi be. Even though he said things he was doing needed to change that was not really what he was planning on working on. Last night we had another incident of supposed plans that were never resolved in the end. For some reason Rafi feels that when he is busy or tired he doesn't need to call anyone. Considering the events of last week I would have thought that he could have spent the effort to follow up for at least a week. Apparently not. I hate this back and forth. It's not so crazy to ask for a guy who is willing to expend the bare bones amount of effort involved in actually dating someone. That effort consists of calling back and actually going out in public with the other person. Rafi is clearly not that guy, twice over. If he was baked before, he is double baked now.

Chick Flicks

I have a strange propensity towards dance based girl movies. I own Bring It On, Step Up, Drumline, and other such cinematic masterpieces. Yesterday I found myself watching Honey, and Stomp the Yard. Funny enough I have never in my life taken a real dance class. Considering that I have been considered chubby as a child, and curvy as an adult (thankfully I learned that working out regularly is a necessary part of life for me) I was never the type that people really encouraged to become a dancer. Ballet was completely out for me, and the only dancing I ever really got into was hip hop and break dancing. Unfortunately for me having a set of D cups keeps me from really being able to balance myself correctly for break dancing, so even that plan was foiled to a certain degree. For some reason, though, I feel like I can live vicariously through these films. They give me the same type of high that teenage boys get from watching Fast and the Furious. It's weird. I know. Once I met a guy who was also a big fan of chick flicks himself, which I thought would be fantastic, until I realized he was nuts. From then on I decided that these movies would be something I do with my girlfriends only. Sometimes I will trade with a good guy friend and make him come with me provided that I see something he picks later, or I make sure that the girl in dance movie is hot and scantily clad for half the film.

The Remodel

Rafi may not be totally through yet. I saw him last night. He invited me over to talk. I wanted to hear what he had to say, so I went. It was actually rather nice. We had dinner and talked. He apologized for what had happened earlier in the week. He also acknowledged that what I was asking for was not at all strange. Being able to spend time with someone who you want to get to know better is totally understandable. As much as I want to believe Rafi I am still skeptical. Talking is one thing, and doing is something entirely different. If Rafi can deliver on what he said then things will be fine. I think that my silence this week allowed him to see what it would be like without me. He said that he doesn't ever want me to stay away again. He missed me all week. He thinks that there is a possibility of something very real between us, so provided he doesn't mess things up again then I think everything will be okay. For the time being I am still going to keep myself guarded. A real date best be in my future.

Making a List

One of the functions of facebook is that they suggest profiles of people you may know based on mutual friends. Yesterday I ran across the profile of a guy who I dated very very briefly, and who I totally forgot I had been with at all. He is the definition of a blip on the radar. Ironically, even though he didn't last long (in more ways than one) he did become a notch on my bedpost. My best friend decided that I should really make a list so that I don't forget who I have slept with. Honestly I think it's better not knowing for sure. I would guesstimate that I have been with somewhere between 25-30 guys at this point. I will never really know for sure. At this point I don't want to be worried about numbers when I can be concerned about quality. Also, I really don't feel like beating myself up about a connection gone wrong should also be coupled with remorse about having added another "guy to my list." With guys I have learned to stop gauging them by how many partners they have had, and become more concerned about how they are with me. People change. For many years I had only been with 5 guys total, and in a terrible break up I racked up almost 8 in one year. Phases are what build character. I would hope not to be judged by a guy for how many partners I have had. If he is the one, he will be the last one on the list. If no one comes afterwards I feel that would be the ultimate accomplishment, regardless of how may have come before.

Seeing Green

I finished my work week today. I have a full 3 day weekend ahead of me. Just before I left for the day my manager called me in to talk. I thought I would be in trouble when she told me to close the door as I walked in. In actuality she wanted to let me know how proud of me she was. She had high hopes for me, and I am definitely exceeding her expectations. This search I closed my kids at over 40% and had more than 45% of my appointments show up (we aim for something over 30%). Not only will this allow me to make fantastic money at this job, but I will be able to work without being constantly watched and critiqued. Having both managers and the boss on me a few weeks ago was starting to become overwhelming. This is the beginning of a new chapter in my time with the company. As long as I can keep this up things are going to be great for me. I will finally have a job that I like, and that I can keep until my fashion line is successful enough to merit me leaving my job to work for myself full time.

Breaking the Addiction

"Spinning wheels" (Rafi's new name in my phone) text messaged me today. I responded with a one word message. I didn't call him all day. Last night I didn't call him either. He did text me an hour after I would usually call him. I responded in two words. If Rafi doesn't want to accept that I am fed up he will certainly figure it out when I make absolutely no effort to contact him. I also refuse to keep having sex with someone who isn't into me enough to take me out, or call me back. Withholding sex probably won't make him very happy but I could really care less at this point. A few times today I wanted to call him just to talk. I didn't. I realize that I need to commit to my decision. I am used to talking to him so it's hard not to call, but I don't see him picking up the phone either. Truth is, as much as it hurts to admit it, Rafi could really care less about me. I need to stop concerning myself with him. If he decides to change I can see a future, but that is very unlikely to happen any time soon. At this point I just need to keep myself away from him. If I can power through this tough part the rest will be much easier.