The Pursuit

There are always turbulent times in every person's life. Most of the time I remain fairly calm when the weather is stormy, but when financial issues are unresolved I lose my cool. Currently I am waiting to hear if I will be hired by a cosmetics company to manage one of their very lucrative accounts downtown. This will be the first job that pays me more than I need to get by. I am hoping that it works out. Not only will it allow me to be challenged by what I do, but I will also have the chance to afford living on my own, and pay down some of my bills. The other issue that is really getting under my skin is the incessant chase after money on my part with others in my life. I pay all the bills for a household of 4. Every month I have to run after 3 roommates to pay me for their portion of the expenses. On top of that, I have to front the money in the interim, making my budgeting very tight until I hunt down the cash from the other 3 contributors. I am very careful with my money, but I cannot say the same for those around me. A friend of mine has me do some work for him from time to time, and I can say that it is a rare occasion that he remembers to pay me without a reminder. Tonight I had talked to him about giving me the cash, and he promised he would get it to me this evening. When I got home it was not there. I called him (yet again) to ask when he could get me the money, and he said maybe tomorrow. Initially he was adamant that I finish the work in a few days, and now I have finished on time but still been waiting for almost 2 weeks for my pay. I think at this point, with waiting for the job offer to be extended to me, I cannot take on any additional projects. If I have to chase my next job, and my 3 roommates, there is no room left to need to chase after others as well. The whole situation is making me unbelievably stressed out. What I can control has to be kept in check.

Then There Was One

I retired my profile today from the online dating. The other men have all been without something, be it height, chemistry, or good timing. All have fallen away except for the Israeli guy. Marc is not the same kind of Israeli as Rafi was. At our last meeting I brought up the topic of men who will only be serious with a girl who has had few sexual partners. Marc responded by recognizing that most girls lie about the total number, anyway, and that the past is not as important as the present. Marc, also, is not as religious as Rafi was, but does uphold a lot of the traditions of Judaism. On top of that, he works 6 days a week, and still finds time to see me at least 3 times in that space. He likes to go out. He invites me out along with him. Basically, Marc doesn't suck. Perhaps I have found someone who will take on the role of boyfriend, and has his life together.

The Countdown (Part 1)

Now that I have started to weed through these guys I have learned that lots of different things come into play. I met the Russian guy who works in web development on Thursday evening. He was perfectly nice, and was really easy to talk to. Unfortunately he lied about his height. He said he was 5'6" when he is more like 5'4". I am almost a full head taller than him. Feeling like a giant is not going to bring out my femininity in the least. Lying on an online profile only works until you meet in person. Once you are face to face with someone things like height and weight are totally apparent. I might be okay with a guy calling me "shorty" but I am certainly not okay with going out with a guy who is one himself. He can find a lovely 5'2" female for himself. I am tall. I need a guy at least my own height. That is one down. Today I met another one who is rather tall, but a divorced dad of two girls. We met for lunch, and I think we hit it off, but he was very reserved and kind of nervous so I didn't get too much of a feel for him. While he was perfectly nice, but I didn't feel any major sparks. There will probably be a second date so I can get a better picture of him, but I don't think he is going to really be the one for me. The Israeli is still around, and I do like being around him, but I still feel the need to keep looking. Yesterday I told the guy who I was pretty unsure about that I didn't really think that I felt comfortable meeting him yet. He told me he never wanted to be my boyfriend, and proceeded to close his chat window. That behavior definitely confirmed for me that he is emotionally unbalanced. That guy was certainly not someone who was worthy of my time and energy. Also, out of nowhere yesterday, I had this fantastic online conversation with a totally new guy. He was witty, intelligent, and seemingly amazing. We were supposed to meet last night at midnight, and I gave him my number so we could work out the details. He never called me last night, which was a huge let down. I guess I should say that it was nice to know he wasn't all that he seemed in such a short period of time. A certain part of me, however, was hoping he would be.

The New Batch

So now that things have been wrapped up with all the old batch of guys I am diving headfirst into the new batch of boys. There are 4 or 5 of them around right now, and hopefully one of them will be worthy of becoming a real boyfriend. The first is a nice Jewish boy (in fact, they are all nice Jewish boys) who is a financial planner in the northern suburbs of Chicago. He is tall, cute, and easy to talk to. At first, he was pretty sure that he was headed for a career in professional baseball, but now he wears a collared shirt, and no cleats. His drawback, however, is that he is divorced with two small children. The ex-wife is catholic, so his girls are not Jews. Should the relationship progress, there could be issues with starting a Jewish family with a guy who has non-Jewish children. How do you explain to the kids why their half-sisters live by different rules? It's not a total loss, but it is definitely a worry. Obviously I should see if I really click with him first. The second is another Israeli guy who, unlike Rafi, takes me out on dates and actually likes to spend time with girls he is seriously dating. Talking to him is fine, but I have to consciously make sure that I use very simple vocabulary with him. What I really want is to be with a guy who is intellectually and sexually stimulating. This guy can only support 50% of the equation. The third guy is originally from Russia, but has lived here most of his life. He is awesome to talk to, and is very attractive. He works in web development, and has a great sense of humor. His drawback is only that he is about an inch shorter than I am. If I wind up with him, I will have to retire my heels from their regular rotation. The fourth is an extremely tall (6' 3") dirty blonde who lives in Ohio. He hails from South Africa (bonus points for a cute accent) originally, and is really looking to settle down. Working out the details of a long distance relationship, however, may be a little more stressful than I am really willing to deal with right now. His only chance will be that he is devastatingly handsome in person, and that I cannot think of anyone else. That is probably not going to be the case. The last guy is someone I had spoken with a bit the last time I had been on the dating website. There is only one picture on his profile. From what I can tell he is cute, but I cannot say for sure. I am also worried that he is a bit of a player, but I may meet him for a drink. If any strange behavior results I will be the first out of the bar. I promise. Until one of these guys rises to the top of the group I will see what possibilities there may be. Still holding true to the prior posts, though, I am waiting to have sex until I am in a committed monogamous relationship (thank you Patty Stanger).

Morning Clarity

Last night I was so stunned it took me a long while to process that fateful phone call. A week long relationship, however, does not merit a long mourning period. I cried hard for about 5 minutes, mostly due to my frustration with the concept rather than the specific situation with Jon. This morning, now that I have slept a full night, I have this for him (which he will never be told).

Jon-
You will keep yourself from getting to know many extraordinary people by trying to risk manage your relationships. There was obviously a connection with us that was present from the start, and that you have pushed away in the name of possibly wanting to live outside of Chicago in the future. You are going to be in this city for 2 more years in order to complete your education, and many other situations could have divided us naturally in that time. To end what has only begun will only cheat you from the experiences that you treasure down the road. We could have had a great run, and broken up down the road, but maintained a friendship. Instead you have cut us off at the foot, and we cannot have any semblance of a future. I hope that is exactly what you wanted, because that is definitely what you got.

A Drop in the Bucket

Since my last post I have had a full term relationship in the course of a week. A guy who had been someone I dated (once) during my first stint in the world of online dating came up again when I recently signed back up. I met up with him again with a girlfriend of mine to have champagne on his balcony. All went well. A few days later I had lunch with him, and dinner two days after that. We were getting into the habit of talking to each other for hours at a time on the phone, and every date was rather enjoyable. Last night, after dinner, we finally returned to his place and took it to the bedroom. Since he is a self-described "late bloomer" I was a bit worried that he would be lacking in the bedroom skills department, but my assumptions were unfounded. Three rounds later we went to sleep. Tonight, however, he threw me for a loop. Just when I was getting to like him, and congratulating myself for finding a guy who was really great, he opted out. We had scheduled a date for tomorrow night, but when I called him this evening he said that he was absolutely not ready for something serious. Over the course of this last week he had made mention of several trips we would take together. In his head he had planned out our entire future. In some way he had ended us before we began. He told me that he was very intrigued with me, but he couldn't be what I was looking for. He didn't want us to continue to waste each others' time. To some degree I am relieved he would tell me this early on. On the other hand I think he acted too quickly. So far we were getting along very well, and it was just the beginning. There is no way to tell the future, so predicting that it will be disastrous when nothing indicates that in the present is completely ridiculous. I guess I am still stunned. I never saw this coming. Things had been going well, and I feel like I am unable to maintain my hope that I will find someone who makes me feel secure when all the men I have been dating lately have a way of pulling the plug.

Put Up or Shut Up

The 3 month mark seems to be my breaking point for guys I am dating. Within 3 months the guy I am seeing either decides to commit to me, and starts to fall in love, or he gets scared and runs. With Rafi it seems that the same is true. While I get a text a day from him, nothing has changed in terms of how he sees me. The fact that he feels very comfortable with me keeps him attached, but his "under 10 partners" double standard pushes him away. It was right around 3 months that this final fission occurred. The same has happened before with a few other guys. Fortunately for me, the 3 month point has also been when a lot of guys have become intensely committed to being in a real relationship with me, and have started to fall in love with me. I certainly hope that this time around I will able to find someone who will be in a position to give me back what I am capable of giving. I want to feel like I can build something with a person who is stable, and in a place in their life that they can really move forward. When Chuck was in the picture, he was committed but he didn't have his life together. He won't for a long time. While Mike has his career in place, he just wasn't able to commit to anyone. What I need is both pieces of the puzzle.

Someone Else's Book

It's been 3 days. Rafi text messaged me last night asking for me to come over. I told him that I was through with having sex with guys that are not my boyfriend. He said I should do whatever I feel. What I felt like was changing his name on my phone from "spinning wheels" to "under 10" which I think is more appropriate considering the circumstances of our break up. A small part of me did like the fact that he had to contact me in a few days of our fight. I won in some small way. I had pushed through my urge to contact him, and he had not won against his. Last night, though, I did go back on the dating website. I really am going to be borrowing a page out of Patty Stanger's (from the show Millionaire Matchmaker) book on dating: I am not having sex until I am in a committed monogamous relationship. If I really need to have sex I will utilize my long term "friend with benefits" or my battery powered friends. Something has to change. I am not in a mood to just date right now. I really want a relationship, and I have to acknowledge that. The guys that I meet at this point who are just interested in sex will get frustrated with me. I won't have to find out later that all I had was another notch on the bedpost. I think I have acquired enough of those already. According to Rafi, about 15 too many.

One Down

I just want to congratulate myself: I finished out a full day without calling Rafi once. I must say that it was hard, but I did it. I will continue to do this until I finally stop thinking about him. I really deserve better. Speaking of better, I received a phone call today from a fashion program in the area looking for teachers. I had submitted my resume on the off chance they were hiring. Turns out I looked good to them. Teaching in the industry would be a great way to stay on my game. It would also give me the same flexibility to have some time off throughout the year, and still keep my line going. In fact, the line gives me extra credibility. Who knew? Maybe things are looking up.

Quitting Squared

Yesterday I quit my job, and Rafi. When I went into work I decided to talk directly to the (crazy) boss, and tell her that the environment was too stressful for me. She was very understanding. I don't think she realized that she was the reason the environment was stressful for me. Next, I went in to talk to my manager. She was well aware of all the things I was about to say. I had discussed my frustrations before. When I was given the exit interview paperwork she told me to be very candid. If no one speaks up then the boss will never see that her actions directly impact her turnover. Micromanaging a commission based staff is utter nonsense. Now it's my job to get a job that I will really stay at. Retail may be where I go to next if this nanny opportunity is not for me. Thursday will bring me some answers. As for Rafi, I finally got to see him last night after almost a week. We had both been busy at different times, and we didn't get a chance to meet up. We had just finished having sex, and were lying next to each other talking. I started to talk about the fact that I had yet to have an orgasm with him due to the emotional wall he had up between us. Rafi decided that it wasn't making him feel good to do all the work with no results to show for it. I asked him if it would change. His response was that since I had sex with so many guys, and that someone who could list less than 10 was the only acceptable answer, we could never really get close. Apparently there was no way to change his mind. I don't deserve to be with someone who puts a ceiling on a good relationship because of something that I cannot change. Hitting the ceiling tends to cause emotional concussions, so there would be nothing to gain from staying with him. I slowly got up, and started to get dressed. Rafi didn't want me to leave. He said he was very connected to me. I told him he wasn't. He would never be, and it's better that I know that now. He wanted to talk about it another day. I told him that any other day would be the same thing. If Rafi couldn't see himself with me then I didn't want to be putting myself in a situation where I don't get back what I need emotionally. In the end I walked out the door. I closed it behind me. He opened it a moment later, looked me in the eye, and said good night. I said good night quietly and walked away. I have a feeling that Rafi will learn quickly that I did impact his life positively. I know he will miss me. Unfortunately, none of that pining will ever change his iron clad limits of what he will accept in a female. He may miss me and want me back, but he will never be able to open himself up to being with me. Perhaps that is why, subconsciously, I had never changed his name on my phone after I re-named him "spinning wheels." That was all I ever was doing while I was with him.

Today is the Day

Today is the day I quit my boss. Technically I am quitting my job, but it's mostly caused by the erratic behavior that has allowed my office culture to become ridiculously stressful. The environment is so bad that I have compromised my immune system consistently, and the other workers and I are unable to do our work efficiently. Because of the shady things that go on in the office I will have to quit without giving them notice. I will complete this search and all the follow up that goes along with it. After that, they are on their own. I have no idea what the result will be. At this point I don't care. Yesterday I applied for a nanny position that will work in well with my schedule. It is for 2 young girls who are going to be moving to my area as soon as their parents announce their divorce. Since I come from a divorced family, and I love kids, I think this job will keep my on my toes in a good way. The mother is very nice, and she is a little frazzled at times between her job and her girls. Helping people is something that makes me feel rewarded, and as long as I can make my ends meet with this new gig I will be a very excited woman. I interview on Thursday. Wish me luck.