Notches

It can be very hard to see your failures displayed proudly in front of you all at once. When I go through the "your matches" section of the dating site much of my love life over the last year and a half is right in front of my eyes: The crazy guy I should have avoided, the one that wouldn't stay with me because I refused to become a trophy wife, the man with too many issues to count, the one I had sex with on the first date and didn't call me back after (I really should have seen that one coming), the one that chatted with me online but could never meet me in person, and the guy I'm seeing now. The current one, as said before, has been consistently logging on to his account daily. I haven't noticed until now because I wasn't on there to check on him, but ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance is what allowed me to think that it was a good idea to really consider being with him. Now that I see he hasn't skipped a beat I'm worried that the connection was really all in my head. For the entire day I haven't received even one text message. Yesterday I had to send him one in order to get a response. Tomorrow will tell where this relationship is really headed, though I don't have high hopes. Honestly, the only reason I keep beating this dead horse is because I know that my other options are fruitless. Unless I am out at a bar with my friends I work around women and gay men. No potential suitors are going to be crossing my path unless it occurs online. There is a certain part of me that almost wants to give up, but I do crave that connection with someone that my girlfriends just cannot make up for. When I have no one I wind up with lots of guys in the picture as a result. With all of that stacked against me I'm not sure what my next move is. Also, since the guy I'm seeing is rather fit physically, and I have been unable to go to the gym for the last few months I feel as if I am unworthy of his affections. When I'm with him I don't feel that he is judging me, but I don't see that giddy "she's nekked!" glitter in his eye either. Nor are there any mind blowing compliments coming my way. Perhaps he is willing to put up with me physically because he likes me as a person, and he wouldn't throw me out of bed. That alone is a scary thought to me as well. Even without working out I wouldn't consider myself unattractive, just a little softer than usual. With him, however, his behavior indicates there may not be "more of me" to love.