The N Factor

There are currently 3 men that want to marry me. I know that sounds like a strange thing to say, but it's true. The first is an ex boyfriend (who I dated during the hiatus in which I rarely posted...sorry followers!) who is totally and completely NOT what I am looking for. Dating him was a side effect of being in between jobs. Having no direction in my life was what allowed him the opportunity to even go out with me. Now that I am doing well in my career I have no attraction to him whatsoever. The second guy is my ex from college who I was sure I would marry when I was living with him. We broke up because he is Catholic (non-practicing), and couldn't stand the idea that I would have Jewish children. Now that he has a young daughter, and is getting divorced from his first wife he realizes that he was an idiot. The major problem with him is that he now comes with a ton of baggage, and has yet to finalize his divorce. The third guy is a friend from high school who I have recently become quite entangled with emotionally, and who is in the army for the next few years. None of the 3 guys are currently available to me in actuality, and though I don't doubt their intentions, I don't know what's in store. Currently I feel that I need to keep looking because even if something is to work out, it won't be for a while. I miss being in a relationship. I would like to say I have a boyfriend. I don't know, however, how feasible that will be.

The Unanswered Question

I always wonder why it is that guys act the way they do. Most of the time there is some insight that I have from guy friends about a particular guy's actions, but why they bail almost always alludes me. My coping mechanism is to cease to care at all, which will eventually make me a jaded b*tch. I am hoping to avoid this ending. Only twice have I ever attempted to either get a last word in, or ask why from the guy who bailed. When I did either of those things I usually got some answers, and the actions had no effect on whether or not the same guy who stopped contacting me would attempt to contact me a few months later. I used to think that my silence somehow encouraged the reconnection situation, but I now think the two are unrelated. Even my mother noticed this perpetual loop I seem to be in with certain guys. It's nice to be a memorable person, but it's hard when the connection with someone is there, then lost, then back again constantly. I'm on some sort of love merry-go-round, and it's not a fun ride! I'm ready to get out of this circus. Moving across the country will certainly limit the access a lot of the Chicago guys have to me, and thus will curb a certain amount of the problem. Since I am leaving I decided to attempt to get an answer from Adam about why he decided to cease contacting me. I told him that I would simply like some feedback from him, and that I did respect his decision, and promised not to turn this into a discussion nor reply to his answer. I would seriously like some insight from the horse's mouth. As of yet I have not received any messages, but I do hope that he gives me something. The last guy I asked told me that he really prefers stick figures (i.e. I was too curvy to date him) which didn't really help me at all. Most guys who date me already know that I am a curvy girl, and are usually really into that. Either this last guy was just lying, or his situation was atypical. I'm sure there are personality traits that are being perceived as not worthy of being a girlfriend type, and those are what I need to alter in order to change my luck with men. Ironically enough I do have the 2 guys in the background that are both looking to marry me. It's quite strange to be split into the categories of not-relationship-material, and then future-wife at the same time. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

History Repeats Itself

Of course I should have known that Adam would bail. Every time I find a guy who I would consider settling into a long term relationship with he jumps ship within the first few weeks. Conversely I will have guys I am not so interested in last for months at a time until I communicate to them that I will not pursue a committed relationship. If the guys I like would, at least, communicate that they don't want a relationship I would be much happier. In the case of Adam, as with almost all of the others, he just simply stopped calling. I was text messaging him on Friday of last week about weekend plans, and his last text to me said that he would get back to me shortly. More than a week has passed. Either Adam has a severely warped sense of time, or he got scared. For whatever reason it's over. Ironically, Adam also falls into the category of guys that spend 3-6 months away from me, and eventually come crawling back into my life. Since I will have moved to LA in the beginning of June Adam will be out of luck. I am so ready to move to a new city it's crazy! I will be very happy in a nice warm climate, and knee-deep in a completely new dating pool.

Push and Pull

I have been sketching. I have been drawing long skirts and dresses. It seems that I am going through a mental exercise to see if I could find ways to dress modestly if I had to, according to the laws in Judaism. Why would I be putting so much effort into something this big with a guy I barely have started seeing? It's crazy. I don't think that it really has a lot to do with Adam. Granted if Adam and I would get serious with one another many things in my life would have to change. I think, though, that this has more to do with integrating my childhood in religious schools, and the artistic, extroverted self that I am today. I feel like the community failed me as a child. I spent most of the time in the Jewish community feeling as though I was not accepted, and I was unworthy of being recognized. It wasn't until I was in public high schools that I felt I could really express myself. My personality developed in the massive mix of ethnicity, and span of economic background that I found myself in when I finally left the religious school system. Here I am at 27 years old finally trying to find a way to combine both of these elements. Perhaps, in a way, it allows me the opportunity to stop opposing the option that I would be with a guy who is more religious than I. It was never something I had considered before. I won't be committing to changing myself tomorrow, but I am not ruling it out either.

Magic Formula

Men are bad at picking up signals. They resort to time lines and guidelines as a way to navigate the treacherous curve on the road to committed relationships. Unfortunately this results in a lot of cryptic messages and communications in the beginning of any new dating situation. Talking to my guy friends I realize how completely different men think than women. I try to remember this when I am first starting out with a guy, but even though I can manipulate the behaviors I exhibit I cannot control the emotions that naturally accompany the beginning. The butterflies in the stomach, the rush of the new possibilities, and the panic that comes with the uncertainty of intentions on the part of the guy. I have learned over the years how to control my behaviors in order to seem cool and collected, but the reality is that the accompanied emotions are still there. I am a total girl in all of the ways I do not appear at the surface. Ironically I think that I had the same amount of response from guys I was dating regardless of if I played it cool or completely went with my emotions. On some levels it's great to be able to control my outward appearance. On other levels I really am lying to myself, and pushing back emotions that would otherwise come out. I never lost a guy who would have stayed because I was emotional, and I don't think the guys that really want to be with me would leave if I stop playing it cool. I guess I'm just a work in progress.

All In

I spent the last week in limbo. Adam did a great job of returning my texts, but didn't initiate contact on his own. Since I am well aware of the differences between us I was concerned that he would be as well. I stopped texting him for 2 days, and he didn't make any effort to see what I was up to. I feared for the worst. Finally I sent him one last text message on Friday, and I swore to myself that if he didn't respond I would cease to contact him completely. Thankfully Adam replied. He wanted to call me on Saturday evening. I told him I would be available after 7:30pm, and he sent me a text at 8pm to say that he would call me in a while. The half-hearted contact only served to make me feel the anxiety more intensely. I finally called Adam myself after an hour passed. The conversation was completely normal, but short. I kept waiting for him to get into telling me that we can no longer see each other. That moment never came. He did, however, have to go babysit for his niece so we only spoke for a few minutes. Once he was at his sister's house he sent me a few texts, but never responded to the last one I sent about making plans for the following day. One of my guy friends called me to go out with him that same night, and after a few drinks I checked my phone to see if Adam had replied to my message. He never had. I sent him a few texts demanding to know what his intentions were, and he only responded with "awkward." I figured it was over. I put him on the spot, and he still didn't give me an answer. The next morning I woke up to find a few texts from him. He said that he planned to see me later that day, yet never gave me a time. For a few hours I heard nothing from Adam. I carried on with my day until about 4pm when he finally wanted to know when I would be available. Once he was at my place things seemed fine. He explained to me about the things he is studying, and showed me his notes. I finally realized that this guy is really intelligent, and will get completely absorbed into whatever he is doing. What would have been the brush off from another guy is just a complete zone out on his part. He wasn't ignoring me. He ignores anything that is not what he is reading. Once I was with him he was intently focused on me. It was great. I did tell him that I worry about how emotionally available he may (not) be after his last relationship dissolved the way it did. I think that things are far more open between us now, and I am getting to know the particulars about this person. In the process I seem to be learning a lot about myself.

Merging

So here it goes: I am a Jew. I have always grown up in a semi-religious house. This means that we kept kosher in the house very strictly, and as a child I went to Jewish day school. I am educated in all of the laws of my religion, but I am not totally religious. It makes for a weird mix. Outside of the house I will eat at non-kosher restaurants, but I don't eat pork or seafood. I go to synagogue on holidays, but I do not keep Sabbath. I speak fluent Hebrew, and I have many Israeli friends. Dating guys who are not Jewish is a bit hard, but sometimes dating Jewish men is even harder. Because a non-Jewish guy would not understand all of the particulars of Judaism, I have to explain a lot to them regarding how and why I do things. Since it is not their culture, however, they can respect my decisions even though they only sometimes effect how we do things as a couple. For Jewish men this is part of their own heritage, and they usually fall on one or the other sides of me. For instance, Adam grew up in a similar family to mine, and his family was semi-religious. Now, he has become more religious, and is actually a rabbi! While I am happy that he found something that he is passionate about it makes things complicated if we would ever get serious together. Adam would not eat non-kosher food to any degree, so we could only go out to a few restaurants together, and taking any type of vacation would have to planned out according to nearby food resources as well as times for the Sabbath. He is also of the mind that his future wife (and his last wife, but more on that later) will dress in skirts that cover her knees, shirts that cover her shoulders, and wear a scarf or wig to cover her hair when in public. I don't think that at any point in my life I would choose that degree of modesty for myself. This would never be an issue for me with a non-Jewish guy. The tricky part is that while the non-Jewish guys can respect my decisions it is impossible for them to really participate in any portion of that part of my life. In order to be happy I need both sides to mesh. While it is possible for me to lean on family and friends for my religious needs it still feels like something is slightly off. Also, when there are future children involved things get more complex. I will have Jewish kids, and I refuse to raise them in a way that doesn't educate them on what the beliefs of their religion are. What that means is that if my future husband is not Jewish I will have to do it all myself, and it will not allow any room for his religious beliefs to come through. I understand that it will be tough for him to have that dynamic, almost as much as it would be for me to wear skirts and cover my hair. So the only way I think anything would work out is for me to only get serious with a guy who is religious to the same degree as I am, or near it. When there are so many other personality traits that are necessary for compatibility I think this one might limit me completely within the dating pool. It's quite frustrating. So as for Adam's ex-wife: She came from a non-religious family, and changed completely for the relationship. Now that they are divorced she has reverted back to her old life. Adam's daughter will never get to grow up in a household that he originally imagined for her. Reconciling that is immense for anyone. What I know for me is that what I already do on my own is what I will do in the future. Since Adam works in the financial field despite being a rabbi, he is not the type of guy who needs to be the example for the community like the rabbi who leads a congregation would be. If he can realize that I will always practice certain key elements despite not dressing as modestly as he would like then he would know that through thick and thin I would uphold those things on my own. He would never have to worry that if we would split up that anything would change. At this point, however, I don't even know if he will take that chance. I guess it's really too early to tell, and he may have already cut and run.

Brad's Last Stand

While the last time I posted about Brad was about a year ago, he has recently been on my mind. After he and stopped speaking consistently, he still would send me emails from time to time about how busy he was. Not once did Brad ever attempt to make plans with me so I would just shoot him a short reply and promptly forget about it. After nearly a year of this happening every 4 months or so Brad actually started to call me again. He made an effort to take me to a play with him in December when he was given an extra free ticket. Unfortunately Brad wanted me to take the train down to theater in time for the start of the show at 9pm, and then escort myself back home on the north side of the city after the show ended at 11pm. Considering that the cold weather combined with the late hour would guarantee me a long and cold commute home I respectfully declined the invitation. Personally, I don't think that the appropriate way to reconnect with someone you dated is to make them do all the work themselves. If Brad wanted me to go to the show he should have at least offered to drive me home, and perhaps even gotten coffee with me before or after the show. Shortly after the invitation was offered (and declined) he attempted to start discussing future plans with me. Via email I explained to him that I had been fed up with the constant emails about how busy he was, and that if he couldn't find a moment to meet up with me in an entire year I was not willing to see how long it would take for him to get his act together. I told him that he should just stop trying, if trying was ever really involved. To his credit, though, he replied: I am sorry that was the impression I gave you. It seems that what was tried, primarily, was your patience. I laughed so hard reading that! I guess the man knows how to make an exit.

Through the Desert

It has been an unusually long while since I last posted. I do apologize. Lately it seems that lots of things have been happening, and each situation gave me enough time to appropriately handle it. I did not wind up with a boyfriend in June. The guy eventually turned out to be just like the rest, and found a way to completely forget to put in effort with me. There was also an incident involving the ex-boyfriend of my ex-best friend who tried to date me. The strange thing was that he would text message with me throughout the entire day for weeks on end, but it turned out that he actually had a serious girlfriend who he had been with for about a year! The whole thing was really strange, and it was quite funny to me once it was over. As of right now things are kind of up in the air. My ex-boyfriend from college, who I was with for over 2 years, is back in the picture. He is getting divorced from the woman he married shortly after we broke up. He also has a child. Things are very complex for him right now, and he is in the Army, so he is in Iraq at this time as well. He and I have had very long conversations about what is happening with him, and how he can cope with all of the mess ahead of him. While there is a ridiculous amount of chemistry between us it will be at least a year before he and I can even think about having a relationship. Right now I am mostly a supportive friend, and someone who he can connect with in ways that he cannot with others. We always were very close. We were so close that his wife wouldn't allow us to talk at all during the time they were together. I hadn't spoken to him in over 5 years when he emailed me to apologize for his behavior. Part of me hopes that we can be together, but I know it is not something I can legitimately wait for at this point. He was the one that I thought I would marry, and that didn't happen. Part of me does feel a certain relief, though, when he admitted to me that everything missing from his marriage was something that he found in me. He feels that he was not with an equal partner, and he essentially married the wrong girl. I have to say that gave me a certain amount of closure on things that were unresolved for me from that relationship. Another guy who is floating around in my life is a friend I have known since I was a freshman in high school. He and I had crushes on each other, but never acted on them. About 2 years ago we started being "friends with benefits" and that was pretty much it. Lately, the situation has become a bit more intense, but he is working in upstate New York. Aside from the geographical hardship I also feel that he has yet to really become the man that he will be. Mostly it is just a great connection that will probably never materialize into a committed relationship. Since, of course, everything happens in 3s there is one more guy in the picture. Recently I went to concert that some friends of mine were playing in, and I ran into the older brother of my friend from grade school. I remember him being so old to me since I was in 7th grade, and he was in high school. Now that I realize he is 29 and I am 27, we are practically the same age. His name is Adam. Adam is back in Chicago after having finalized his divorce over this past summer. He has a 2 year old daughter who he visits every month on the east coast. I didn't ever expect to see him again, and it was quite strange to be on a date with someone who I had a crush on as a tween. I do really like him, but I also know that he is most likely on the rebound right now. I cannot expect too much from him. Considering that my job will move me to LA in another 5 months I definitely should not be getting my hopes up. Part of me wants to see what happens, and the other part of me would like to strap on my parachute with my finger on the eject button. Since our date I have texted him a few times over the last 2 days following our date. He has yet to make future plans with me, but does respond to the texts. I will stop initiating contact with him since he has yet to initiate anything with me. I want to see what he does when I give him some space. Hopefully he will pick up the ball and run with it when I put it in his court.