The Unanswered Question

I always wonder why it is that guys act the way they do. Most of the time there is some insight that I have from guy friends about a particular guy's actions, but why they bail almost always alludes me. My coping mechanism is to cease to care at all, which will eventually make me a jaded b*tch. I am hoping to avoid this ending. Only twice have I ever attempted to either get a last word in, or ask why from the guy who bailed. When I did either of those things I usually got some answers, and the actions had no effect on whether or not the same guy who stopped contacting me would attempt to contact me a few months later. I used to think that my silence somehow encouraged the reconnection situation, but I now think the two are unrelated. Even my mother noticed this perpetual loop I seem to be in with certain guys. It's nice to be a memorable person, but it's hard when the connection with someone is there, then lost, then back again constantly. I'm on some sort of love merry-go-round, and it's not a fun ride! I'm ready to get out of this circus. Moving across the country will certainly limit the access a lot of the Chicago guys have to me, and thus will curb a certain amount of the problem. Since I am leaving I decided to attempt to get an answer from Adam about why he decided to cease contacting me. I told him that I would simply like some feedback from him, and that I did respect his decision, and promised not to turn this into a discussion nor reply to his answer. I would seriously like some insight from the horse's mouth. As of yet I have not received any messages, but I do hope that he gives me something. The last guy I asked told me that he really prefers stick figures (i.e. I was too curvy to date him) which didn't really help me at all. Most guys who date me already know that I am a curvy girl, and are usually really into that. Either this last guy was just lying, or his situation was atypical. I'm sure there are personality traits that are being perceived as not worthy of being a girlfriend type, and those are what I need to alter in order to change my luck with men. Ironically enough I do have the 2 guys in the background that are both looking to marry me. It's quite strange to be split into the categories of not-relationship-material, and then future-wife at the same time. Hopefully I get some answers soon.

History Repeats Itself

Of course I should have known that Adam would bail. Every time I find a guy who I would consider settling into a long term relationship with he jumps ship within the first few weeks. Conversely I will have guys I am not so interested in last for months at a time until I communicate to them that I will not pursue a committed relationship. If the guys I like would, at least, communicate that they don't want a relationship I would be much happier. In the case of Adam, as with almost all of the others, he just simply stopped calling. I was text messaging him on Friday of last week about weekend plans, and his last text to me said that he would get back to me shortly. More than a week has passed. Either Adam has a severely warped sense of time, or he got scared. For whatever reason it's over. Ironically, Adam also falls into the category of guys that spend 3-6 months away from me, and eventually come crawling back into my life. Since I will have moved to LA in the beginning of June Adam will be out of luck. I am so ready to move to a new city it's crazy! I will be very happy in a nice warm climate, and knee-deep in a completely new dating pool.

Push and Pull

I have been sketching. I have been drawing long skirts and dresses. It seems that I am going through a mental exercise to see if I could find ways to dress modestly if I had to, according to the laws in Judaism. Why would I be putting so much effort into something this big with a guy I barely have started seeing? It's crazy. I don't think that it really has a lot to do with Adam. Granted if Adam and I would get serious with one another many things in my life would have to change. I think, though, that this has more to do with integrating my childhood in religious schools, and the artistic, extroverted self that I am today. I feel like the community failed me as a child. I spent most of the time in the Jewish community feeling as though I was not accepted, and I was unworthy of being recognized. It wasn't until I was in public high schools that I felt I could really express myself. My personality developed in the massive mix of ethnicity, and span of economic background that I found myself in when I finally left the religious school system. Here I am at 27 years old finally trying to find a way to combine both of these elements. Perhaps, in a way, it allows me the opportunity to stop opposing the option that I would be with a guy who is more religious than I. It was never something I had considered before. I won't be committing to changing myself tomorrow, but I am not ruling it out either.